So first things, This will be really long. I am really sorry about that and will be really thankfull if someone know the answer to my problem.

My name is Aldi, you can call me smam or aldi. I am 21 years old and currently doing thesis at my bachelor degree and have full time job + side job + enterpreneurship or building business with other people. I am the youngest from my brothers and i have 3 brothers, my family is kinda poor so i need to work extra hard to fullfill me and my family needs.

From primary school, I'll always getting bullied. In primary school i am getting bullied because i am really bad at sport, cant socialize much, and didn't really want to do bad things. There's only some people bully me tho but the bullying comes with physical (punching, kicking, etc) and verbal type. But i still got a really good friend, i still remember how kind he is and one time he teach me how to punch properly too but i never have the courage to do that before. I always hoping that primary school year will be done, then come middle school years. In the middle school i got much bigger problem, i have even less friend and the bully comes in group now. I still remember that the bully group will always wait me after school to do stuff you know what will happen, day by day i either rush to go home quickly or go out with the teacher. I always saying thanks to the teacher and the teacher looks really confused. Some of the time i got ganged up too, got punched in the gut, it really hurts. My only peace time in middle school is when i got into academic competition, my school will teach me in different room when class time so i dont need to attend class and meet with the bully group. Thankfully i am really good at mathematic so about 1/4 to half of my middle school time is spent on the special class for special student to learn for the competition. But thinking back i think i joinned up the competition so i dont get bullyed, but yeah day by day is like hell when i am in normal class and really hoping for middle school years to pass. To this year i still remember the name of the one who bully me, sometimes i search the leader who bully me, or the one who bully me. Most of the time i dont find their profile in internet, some ignore my chat, few people just said its in the past and it doesn't matter. It really hurts and haunt me sometime, to add some salt in the wound. I have friend in the middle school, but they betrayed me because they are afraid to get bullied to if they are become my friend. In high school, the difficulty seems to be lowered in a sense, except the lower difficulty is a fake. The bully still takes in group, but i managed to get some friends that want to talk and befriend with me, most of the time in school they hang out with the bully group but some time they have a nice chat with me. It's looks like a good time to me, until i found out its all a lie. The teacher hate me because i am strange and to strict (maybe because i dont want to do bad stuff, maybe because the teacher feel that handling one people is easier), my friend talk bad behind me when i am not in class, ect. I feel really betrayed, I dont even know who is my friend anymore and how to find a good friend. things maybe easier in the pyhsical bullying department compared to the middle school, but damn it is hurt in my heart.

You all maybe asking, why did stand idle or didnt ask for help? I do ask for help, a lot of time in fact. When i ask for my parent help, they only come to school and told the bully nicely (literally) to stop bully me. And you know what happen? it become worse because i am called a snitch and the bully become more aggressive. asking a teacher will result in the same stuff happening, either they told the bully or both of us going in discussion with teacher in middle one time then next day i got bullied more. Once my parent said for me to ask the bully forgiveness myself to stop bully me, but hell its only got worse. Lot of time people said to ignore the verbal bullying, I can ignore it but there is a cost to that and i will explain it later. Fighting off myself is impossible because they gank in group, my only saving grace is when i got separated because i need to study for competition.

In home, its not really a good place too. I must always yield/give in everytime, when i have a problem with my brother then i need to be the one to say sorry or they wont talk to me (my parent said that) then i need to kneel down and say sorry to them. My brother always got supported more for their school needs, When i make money then i need to pay for their necessities too. Last time i got in a fight with my brother, it is getting heated then my parents become sick because they are embarassed if neighbour heard our fight. So i need to backdown but my brother keep badmouthing me saying i am a thief ect. If you want the context, the internet package got depleted really fast and my brother have the tendency to blame others. I give every proof that when i use the wifi or i am not using the wifi (because i am not home and working far from home) and the internet package get depleted fast too. But my parents always ask me to back down and be patient. Right and wrong become gray to me, if being bad have no consequences and become more happy then why should i be good? why should i the one to back down? but yeah thats only one example of the problem.

For my university days, the first and second semester is really busy because orientation so not much stuff happening. In the second semester covid comes then everything become online so nothing interesting happen (maybe if covid not coming i will be bullied again?). Online classes keep happening till my last year, i only need to be patient at home and honestly its better than in school because i am not having problem with my brother everytime. Its just for my thesis, i need to do it by 3 people team. I choose my own member, the first one is my personal friend (yeah stupid me, i dont know if he is really my friend but i am having good time gaming with him) and the other one is someone who is really good at my thesis topic. Because i am always failing and need to take extra step and really cautious then i always plan ahead and choosing best member. I do the 60-80% part of the thesis and the rest is divided between my other member, i provided the necessary tool out of my pocket money even though i am really hard on money too so they can do their task easily. but what happen? THEY IGNORED ME FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, i got really depressed because i need to graduate so my salary will increase and i hopefully theres some money left for me to enjoy (thats right, every month i always out of money because my parents will always ask for it like for my brother necessities). My brother didnt even have a job, they always ask for money then go out from home to look for job (its just empty words). But stupidly my parents always believe it and they got so much in debt because my brother sweet words. FYI my brother is 35+ years old now and they dont have a single job experience, they always get supported but i dont because i can fill my own necessities. Like i know i can fullfill my own necessities but its still really hard to see when my brother got provided with money but i need to work my ass off to pay for my college. FYI again My 2nd and 3rd brother is 35 years old with no experience and my 1st brother is 38 years old with full time experience but he got cancer and i need to help for paying the treatment too.

The problem i said above is just a glimpse of it, most of the time i always failed or the odds is stacked again me so i need to plan ahead and being extra carefull. Even though like that i still get screwed off sometime like my thesis that currently happening. My enterpreneurship with my friend where my friend work less and didnt answer my chat, I want to cut off the partnership but i still got a client that need to be done because my name is on it (hell the client is really slow too to provide what i need to finish the project).

Now lets talk what i feel and my problem is:

1. I am having a hard time trusting people
2. Got a bad dream sometime about the bad stuff happening to me like bullying and waking up really tired.
3. Can't smile because i always put poker face when i got verbally bullied.
4. Got really cold attitude and dont have any feeling, when my friend in primary school got an accident i didnt feel anything but i know that i must feel something because he is my friend. My oldest brother got cancer but i still dont feel any remorse at all.
5. Having anxiety, low self-esteem, closing my eyes and cant look at people when i speak, my legs and body really shaking when talking to people especially group of people.thats strange tho because i am a leader type in my job so i cant have these traits
6. Having really negative though, like i think that dying is better because i wont get any problem at all. Logically thats true, but on the one side i must keep living and never give up plus my religion said suicide is not allowed.
7. Envy when looking people happy, I dont know why its just i want to have a good childhood and life like them.
8. Got confused and self conflicting a lot.
9. My emotion is always jumping high and low, but i always keep it to my self and not showing it. Other people wont like it when i got mad right? but i am really happy when i do gaming and stuff i like.
10. Right now i am procastinating for my thesis, I need to do my thesis. but the stuff that left to be finished is the side that i am not really good at (designing stuff and learning new stuff), it should be where my two friend shine and good at. I try to learn it but sometime i lost motivation or my head hurts, but i need to do my thesis so my salary will Increase.

Someone, anyone please help. I really want to talk to therapy but i always self conflicting, on one side its really pricey and on one side i need to know a way to solve my problem. Hope someone can help me. I am really thankfull if you read it this far, and even more thankfull if you can give me some thought. Thanks!

From the age of 13 (now 20),I experienced deep seated insecurity and dissatisfaction with the shape and appearance of my nose and it greatly impacted my self-esteem and overall self-image.I embarked on extensive measures to camouflage what I perceived as an unsightly and repulsive nose. Notably, my naturally curly hair became a target of transformation – I painstakingly straightened it in pursuit of adhering to the prevailing standard that straight hair was more attractive. This became a part of my comprehensive strategy to create a curtain-like effect, hoping my hair could serve as a diversion from my nose. My choice to position myself at the back of the classroom was intentional, an attempt to evade angles that exposed the hump on my nose. Even when I laughed, my immediate instinct was to shield my face, concealing the widening of my nostrils – and this very habit persists to this day. Frequently, I'd return home burdened by an overwhelming sense of distress over my appearance.

My dad, in his attempt to console me, resorted to comparisons between my nose and those of accomplished individuals. He invoked examples like Marie Antoinette and Barbara Streisand, emphasizing that these notable figures embraced their unique looks and still achieved considerable success. However, these comparisons offered little consolation, failing to alleviate the deep-rooted insecurities that plagued me. My envy of individuals with straight or smaller noses remained unwavering, leading me to yearn for an entirely different nose. Unfortunately, these feelings of shame and discontent culminated in a series of challenging situations. Throughout my formative teenage years, I spiraled into a profound state of emotional darkness, primarily as a consequence of this issue. My fixation on my nose escalated to an unhealthy and all-consuming extreme. I amassed an extensive collection of nose-centric images, which included close-ups extracted from my friends' Instagram posts. Proficient in photo editing, I subjected my own pictures to intricate alterations, attempting to craft a more favorable version of myself. I also ventured into drastic measures, including massaging my nose until it bled. I distinctly recall attending school with a visibly swollen nose as a direct result of these actions. In my endeavor to divert attention from my face, I threw myself into excessive exercise regimens, dedicated hours to meticulously selecting outfits designed to overshadow my nose, and even toyed with the idea of bying an unconventional "nose lifter" device online.

 Advancing to the present, post my rhinoplasty last year, I find myself still grappling with a prevailing sense of dissatisfaction. While the surgical procedure effectively addressed the hump on my nose, an all-encompassing sentiment of discontent continues to plague me. My family's patience has worn thin, as they urge me to redirect my energy towards more meaningful pursuits. Reflecting on the period prior to the surgery, my fixation on my appearance dealt a significant blow to both my academic and personal growth. Countless opportunities were forsaken, including the realization of my long-held aspiration to attend medical school. I now acknowledge that societal beauty standards played a substantial role in amplifying these deeply ingrained insecurities.I'm intricately involved in the process of reshaping my self-perception. I've come to understand that the act of comparing myself to others is fundamentally disrespectful to my inherent worth. In those moments when negative comparisons arise, I gently remind myself of individuals grappling with challenges far more significant than appearance-related concerns. I'm steadfastly committed to fostering a profound sense of gratitude for the blessings that I possess, irrespective of society's prevailing norms. Rather than seeking validation externally, I'm gradually cultivating self-compassion, treating myself with the same kindness and understanding that I instinctively extend to my loved ones. To counteract the lingering negativity that occasionally resurfaces, I'm intentionally redirecting my focus towards my unique talents and passions. I'm channeling my energy into endeavors I excel at and genuinely relish. I've begun to comprehend that my appearance is just one fragment of my multidimensional identity. I'm currently navigating the journey of embracing what I possess instead of yearning for what I lack. Through practicing mindfulness and gratitude, I've found a means to genuinely appreciate my body and exist more fully in the present moment. While I do occasionally find myself drawn into moments of comparison, it's no longer an overwhelming and all-consuming compulsion. In essence, I've reached a point of comprehension wherein I understand that my appearance merely constitutes a facet of my overall identity. I'm actively engaged in nurturing my body through healthier choices, occasionally enhancing my features with makeup, and curating a wardrobe that resonates with my personal style, irrespective of external validation. While I haven't fully conquered all the challenges posed by my self-perception, I'm gradually and resolutely progressing towards a healthier understanding of myself and a heightened sense of contentment.

As a content creator, part of the reason I quietly stepped away from media and became selective with who I collaborate with is because after reflecting on past connections, it opened my eyes to how people will support you until they perceive your success as their failure; now you’re a threat to their self-esteem. It’s disheartening because while my mission statement is to educate, entertain and encourage, I said to myself I’d never become an influencer who doesn’t interact with their supporters. But after so many instances of others attempting to slander and defame me, take advantage of my kindness or simply experience abundance by proximity, I’ve had to reform my approach.

If it wasn’t one-sided competitions then it was attempted sabotage. I’ve had “friends” try to destroy my spirit but when THAT failed, they resorted to one-upping me. Because I’m secure and increasingly becoming more content with my Being, I’m never envious of others. I don’t know what that person had to do to get what they’re at nor do I want to, but if there’s something someone has that I want, I can achieve it myself. Might not happen today or tomorrow but I trust that it will. If it doesn’t, I take that as the universe saying it’s not meant for me. Seeing other people accomplish their goals motivates me in my own pursuit which is why I love watching others win.

And after a 6 month hiatus, I feel ready to return. I’m not internalising the insecurities people project onto me nor am I engaging with mindless drama. I’ve come to realise that the reason some people have developed animosity toward me is because of their own shortcomings and they dislike the genuine passion I put into my craft.

There’s people assuming the volunteering I do is to curate the image I’m someone who can do no wrong which is far from the truth, because you can be a shitty person and still do “good deeds.” I advocate because I understand what it’s like to live in an underserved community. I understand what it’s like to struggle financial stability, food security, have accessibility to healthcare and other resources. It’s having that experience that helps building relationships with my and neighbouring communities easier and more fulfilling. There’s people upset at me for being a non Latino/hispanic, Spanish-speaking person, despite the fact I’m open about learning with Duolingo and have been for 2 almost 3 years. Mind you, it takes nothing at all to install and learn the language themselves yet they don’t, they’re just upset that I’m putting forth the effort.

Even constantly facing an influx of unnecessary bullshit, I truthfully don’t care about the people perceiving me. I care about those who see me for who I am and what I strive to do, not the roles and titles I have as an advocate, creator, etc. While I’m gradually easing back into media, I’ve created and am taking an approach that works for me and am excited to get back in my motion!

Haha it's gone. No fr it's gone, non existent. My self esteem is at rock bottom, I used to think shit like "oh.. I'm so ugly.. God who would want me" or "why am I so stupid..?" To "mm.. I'm ugly, there's 7 billion people and honestly won't be surprised if no one still wants me. I ain't lyin" and "Wooo! Let's see how LOW my grade is today!" Likeee.. I already know to not expect anything higher than minimal man. Atleast I'm smart enough to know that. Like I don't expect anything of myself anymore. But like dayum, me. You suck-