Please I need your opinion. Never thought I would find myself in this situation. It started with my obsessive-compulsive disorder, constant intrusive thoughts and the need for control and order. But right before the new year, after a regular night of smoking weed with some friends, everything spiraled out of hand. I had a psychotic break, and now I'm being told that I might be developing schizophrenia.
The diagnosis terrifies me. I've always been aware of my OCD, but the idea of losing touch with reality is a whole other level of fear. I don't trust this new diagnosis, but the thought of it lingers in the back of my mind. I was prescribed two antipsychotics, not taking them for now...
A short description of how it felt, because I still think this could be drug induced. During my psychotic break, I was trapped in an altered reality that I didn't even realize was happening. Was like living in a distorted dream, where nothing made sense and everything felt threatening. I remember feeling like the world was closing in on me, and I couldn't escape. I became convinced that people outside on the street were watching me, plotting against me and my friends. The walls seemed to whisper secrets, and I couldn't shake the feeling that going outside was a threat to my life. Time lost all meaning, and I felt like I was stuck in an endless loop of running from the people outside. The lines between where I were and where those people were sort of blurred together, leaving me disoriented. I later found myself on the street with my hand bleeding, I’d broken my friend’s window throwing an empty bottle right through it. I’m lucky that no passersby or cars were harmed at such a late hour… We have cameras everywhere, I’d be in trouble. The worst part was that I didn't even realize how far gone I was. In my altered reality, everything seemed perfectly logical and connected. It wasn't until I came back to myself that I realized how distorted my thoughts had been. Doesn’t the fact that I realized it afterwards and didn’t deny anything prove that my mind came back to normal?
All people smoking weed sometimes have these visions and hear voices, right? I got stoned many times before, and it was usually like some funny mental puzzle, but never so vivid and distorted.
Now, faced with the possibility of developing schizophrenia (which I still don’t want to believe!), I can't help but wonder if that altered reality is waiting for me again. The fear of losing myself to a world of delusions and hallucinations drives me nuts. I cling to the hope that it was just a one-time episode.
Fuck, I wish I could go back to the days when my biggest struggle was managing my OCD. Now, this schizo specter hangs over me, and it’s just too much!
Welcome back to creating content! Your honesty about the challenges you've faced with fake friends and one-sided competitions is refreshing in a world where everyone pretends everything is perfect. Your determination to stay authentic despite the negativity you've encountered is truly commendable. I'm curious about your advocacy work - what causes are closest to your heart?
@IamHere Thank you! If it’s something else I try to do with my content it’s show that there’s truth to the saying “not everything is as it seems.” I have an older post that goes into detail about the misconceptions people have about content creators but the more authentic, the better.
A cause that’s close to my heart is human rights, but more specifically for minority groups. I’m continuously advocating for black and brown communities because our communities are the ones most impacted by poverty, food insecurity, proper education and safe environments. A second is advocating for black and POC, LGBTQ individuals.
@Mitchel Yay! 🎉 I can definitely can behind what you're advocating for, keep going 🙏❤️
It's powerful that you're choosing to focus on those who genuinely support you rather than trying to please everyone
@Mai my people-pleasing ways are far behind me, thank therapy for that! If everyone likes me then that’s an issue. It’s better to be yourself than to create and uphold an image I say
Reading your post resonated with me on so many levels. The creative journey can be incredibly isolating when others misinterpret your intentions or feel threatened by your authenticity.
I've observed that the most genuine creators often face the most pushback because they challenge others to examine their own motivations. Your break sounds like it was exactly what you needed to recalibrate and set healthy boundaries.Creating content with intention and boundaries will likely attract the right audience anyway. The people who truly value what you bring will stick around, and those are the connections worth nurturing.
@robsmith343252 I wish I could pin your comment, you articulated everything perfectly in the most concise way possible. Thank you! It’s refreshing to meet people who understand and it makes me happy to know I’m not alone in experiencing this.
@robsmith343252 really? I’m shocked! You have an amazing way with words and I’m grateful you took the time to leave me with words of wisdom as well as kindness.🎈 thank you again!
@Mitchel Thank you so much! You're so kind. I've always been told that I'm not good with words, so that's a really nice comment! <3
You're definitely not alone, I feel you so much!
@Mitchel Yeah 😅 I actually used to get bullied a lot because of it, but your comment sure did stuck with me, thank you! <3
Personal growth often requires reevaluating relationships, and it sounds like you've done that important work. Connection without competition is rare but invaluable, I'm very-very proud of you, friend!
@katie Thank you so much! Every day I’m doing the work to make sure I’m reprogramming myself to have a healthier outlook on life, proper responses to conflict and more. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement.🙏🏾
@katie That's so true! Some time ago I had to step back and evaluate my relationships, and that turned out pretty awesome for me, so hoping that everyone's get to this chance in life to be themselves and do what they love ❤️
So glad to see you returning to your creative path! It's always challenging when people project their insecurities onto you, but your decision to focus on genuine connections shows real wisdom. Taking that hiatus probably gave you much-needed perspective. Your approach of staying true to yourself while setting boundaries sounds healthy and sustainable
@Kevin Sand I agree! Navigating the world of content creation requires such a delicate balance between sharing authentically and protecting your energy.
I too started going back to my creative outlets that I was unable to pursue due to some personal issues! How do you find it do far? For me it's kinda refreshing to go back to something that I once loved
Going thru the same thing right now! Praying for us