From the age of eight, I’ve constantly fantasised about going no contact with my immediate relatives the second I became an adult because they’re genuinely awful people. While having self awareness is a blessing, the unfortunate thing about possessing it at as a child was being able to recognise a lot of abuse I endured was unjust. What adds insult to injury is that when trying to speak up and defend myself, I was demonised and invalidated.
At the age of 14 I developed an interest in psychology and proactively began researching into various subjects. Upon recurring hospitalisations I was diagnosed with coexisting personality disorders among other things as a result of the trauma experienced and spent many years attempting to advocate for myself because I couldn’t trust relatives, the police or firemen to.
As an adult now I continue to research and educate myself on psychology. As a tool to educate myself and understand others. While I’m yet to go no contact with my narcissistic relatives, comprehending their behaviours makes tolerating their toxicity somewhat easier. With me being two almost three years into my recovery, they’ve amped up how much they’re attempting to self sabotage me.
I have a self care routine that’s imperative I’m given time to work through but every time I’m constantly disturbed. They understand it dysregulates and frustrates me yet it’s done repeatedly as a way to upset me. I exercise regularly at the gym and cut fast food because it’s a detriment to my health yet I’m continually being “encouraged” to cancel my gym membership and am tempted with restaurant food. Any and every time I speak up, respectfully or otherwise, I’m antagonised or told I’m “doing too much.”
I’ve been in therapy and actively researching long enough to understand the truth in the saying, “No one who truly loves themselves would feel the need to hurt or belittle others.” So recognising this, training myself to become non reactive has proven extremely beneficial. When I share these hardships with others, if I share these challenges with others, sometimes I’m met with invalidating statements such as, “That's your family” and that I’m supposed to be forgiving.
Forgiveness is optional, nobody is entitled to it. Doesn’t matter if they’ve changed and is doing better or if they’ve apologised and genuinely mean it. Someone being “family” or having blood relation doesn’t excuse their inappropriate or abusive behaviour. Living and being surrounded with bigoted people and narcissists is frustrating to say the least, but the more I learn, the easier it becomes for me to tune out the bullshit. I just can’t wait to go no contact so I can continue creating the life that’ll feel good for me.
