The heartbreaking part about surviving narcissistic abuse is that your body never forgets. Not the pain, not the sorrow. That trauma follows you into every relationship formed and sometimes destroy them. If it’s something I knew sooner, it’s that your body will communicate through sickness. At the time of dating and even after escaping my covert narcissist ex, my intuition tried to warn me but I ignored it.
First, there was this pervasive sensitivity of anxiety; waking up anxious with a constricting feeling in my chest. My upper body felt stiff and the sensation lingered throughout the days. Then, I gradually lost interest in doing things that brought me pleasure followed by loss of appetite. The emotional turmoil that ensued was the worst of it all for me as someone who already struggles with emotional regulation as I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It can only be described as “dysphoric mania”, something I discovered after Googling my experience. I’d have intense feelings of euphoria one moment and crash hard from depression the next. The overall, impending feeling of doom and dread hovered over me until I escaped and took legal and sought professional support.
I was fortunate to transform that pain into power, but now I’m experiencing it all over again just with my new romantic interest. We met a little over a month ago at a concert where we exchanged info and immediately started talking and going on dates. For the most part, everything has been well. Any time he’d say or do something that would provoke discomfort I’d create a safe space for us to have open communication and converse about it. While he’s been receptive for the most part, the longer we remain in contact the worse the feeling gets. I know this isn’t unprovoked hypervigilance because I’ve been in therapy, performed enough body scans regularly and developed discernment to know when it’s my intuition and not anxiety. And I promised myself if at any point my heart and mind are confused on a person, I’d listen to my body and my body is telling me I’m unsafe.
I’ve never been one to ghost because I don’t condone unless the person is reasonably threatening to another’s safety, but I’m contemplating because alarm bells are going off and I don’t want to fuck around and find out anything I can save myself from. I’m going to speak more with my therapist about it but today and the rest of this week I’m going to continue practicing self care and giving myself grace. To anyone who might be experiencing something similar, please don’t make the mistake I did. Listen to your body, listen to your intuition.
If you’re “randomly” coming down with colds, experiencing headaches, feel drained or loss of appetite, have no pleasure in your interests and feel yourself becoming isolated, this is your intuition and body trying to communicate something is wrong. Of course it looks different for everyone but do not take your safety and wellbeing for granted. If it’s available, considering contacting a professional.
Listening to your body and intuition could save your life so if you suspect someone you’re seeing or are romantically interested in is “off”, especially in indescribable ways, be wary.
Thank you for sharing this powerful perspective. Boundaries are essential for mental health, and standing firm in your decisions takes tremendous courage. Setting limits isn't selfish - it's necessary for growth. What techniques do you find most effective for maintaining emotional balance during challenging interactions?
@Laura Bridges yes! I wanted to thank you as well, OP. You don't owe anyone forgiveness or your presence. Period. I am sure that your future is bright, and you're already laying the groundwork for a healthier life. Be proud of how far you've come!
You've got this! And just know that you made me smile so hard right now!
@Mitchel yep! Behavior is really what matters in the end. Words are easy to say, but actions show who people truly are. I'm so glad you understand this and are standing firm in your beliefs
@Laura Bridges one technique that’s effective for me is recognition, because with that recognition comes understanding. Knowing they don’t love and care about themselves enough to do better and that they resent a lot of the choices they made helps keep me grounded in knowing they’re projecting.
Another technique is having a set of coping mechanisms for when I’m emotionally activated in both situations where I’m alone or around people. If it’s a person (or people) provoking me, in this situation my relatives, I have a toolkit to navigate. Sometimes it looks like stepping away to breathe, other times it’s tuning them out.
@kevinharry4190 Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, Kevin! I appreciate this so much. Whether or not my relatives apologised and changed I wouldn’t forgive them. I’ll acknowledge and reflect on an apology but changed behaviour is what determines everything for me.
@Mitchel This is so genius! Projecting is truly the main reason I need to stop worrying about people's opinion about me, because it's truly the opinion on of themselves.
The way you're handling this situation with grace and determination is truly remarkable. Your commitment to personal growth while maintaining boundaries shows incredible strength. Education and understanding are powerful tools for transformation. Your insights about family dynamics and the importance of self-care are profound. The gym routine you've developed sounds like an excellent anchor for stability! Keep nurturing your growth and protecting your peace. Your future self will thank you for the boundaries you're setting today ❤️
The strength it takes to recognize and address toxic patterns is immense. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!! Moving forward with clarity and purpose, despite challenges, is something that I truly inspire to do
This whole perspective on forgiveness being optional rather than mandatory is particularly insightful.. The way you're approaching this situation with research and understanding is truly commendable!!
@solo I’m the “black sheep” of my relatives because instead of turning a blind eye to a lot of the sick and fucked up things that have happened and continue to happen, I call it out and they hate it. They’d rather pretend being family knowing damn well they either hate, distrust or belittle each other. It’s weird and bitter as fuck.
What’s twice as wild is I have no problem forgiving people despite knowing nobody’s owed or entitled to it, I just personally refuse to forgive them because they’re not even making the effort to change. Not for me but for themselves, and because they refuse to better themselves they’re projecting that self hatred onto me/others. All I can do is focus on myself and do my best to hasten the process in getting away from them.
But I appreciate you and your kindness so much, I’m grateful to be supported by understanding and seemingly compassionate people much like yourself!
@Mitchel oh sorry for the late reply!
Being the "black sheep" for standing up against wrong things is actually a badge of honor! You're so right about how weird it is when families pretend everything's okay while being mean to each other behind closed doors. It takes real courage to be the one who speaks up!
I totally get what you mean about forgiveness - it's amazing that you can still be open to forgiving people in general, even after everything you've been through. But you're so smart to recognize that forgiving people who aren't trying to change would just enable their bad behavior.
This post reminded that I really dreamed about becoming a psychologist when I was a teenager. Adult life has different plans, though. Not saying I'm still not bitter about it, but it is what it is Ig 🤷♀️
@alanna guerrero It’s never too late! Part of the reason I started researching psychology was because I wanted to be both a teacher and a therapist someday. Once I became an adult I thought, “Farewell” to that dream but currently work as a teacher and have constantly been told by my therapists and other mental health professionals I’d be a great therapist which makes me consider pursuing that also.
If it’s something you’re seriously passionate about I say go for it! Even if it’s not within your means right now, even if it’s something you achieve a few years from now, it’s been to try and let “shit happen” than to go the rest of your life wondering, “What if…?”
@Mitchel it's so true!! Life's too short to always wonder about the what-ifs.
I mean, I've always thought that once u choose something that's it, game over, but maybe that's not true at all?? Maybe we can try different things and even if we fail it's still better than not trying at all. At least we'll know we gave it a shot, right? 😅 And honestly, the way u went from wanting to be both a teacher and therapist to actually becoming a teacher is very inspiring!! That's so cool! And now ur thinking about the therapy part too which is just 🙌
Maybe that's what life is about, trying stuff, failing sometimes, succeeding other times, and just looking back being like "well at least I tried!" Because honestly, sooner or later we're gonna find what we're looking for, even if it takes a few tries to get there
Keep pushing forward! I am in awe of yor self-awareness and dedication to personal development. The fact that you're maintaining healthy boundaries while working on yourself speaks volumes. Healing takes time, and you're doing all the right things. Don't let anyone minimize your experiences or invalidate your feelings. Ever. Your strength shines through in every word you've written. Continue building that beautiful life you deserve!
@Rajput I wish I could pin your comment, I really needed to hear this. I appreciate you and everyone else providing insight and encouragement, thank you, Rajput. Really! 🙏🏾
I went no contact with my family three years ago, and while it wasn't easy, it was the best decision I ever made.
I found that journaling helped me a lot during the transition period. And still, when I feel down, I always journal. Just putting words down on a paper feels so soothing to me.
It took me a whole lot to understand that toxic family members don't change just because we want them to. And as sad as it is, it's also very true.
@brendasmth876 I wouldn’t expect for going no contact to be easy for anyone, but the peace and stability that could come from it keeps me motivated to achieve it. I’m happy to hear that you were able to find the solace you were seeking in going no contact!
@Mitchel going no contact truly Is one of the things that I proud of myself.
You're right, this is in no way easy, but it's so worth it and I hope one day you'll feel this kind of peace yourself!
The whole "but they're family" thing is such BS. Blood relation doesn't give anyone the right to abuse you. Your self-care routine sounds really healthy, and it's awesome that you're sticking to it despite their interference. Keep going strong! Your boundaries are valid, and you deserve peace. You're handling this with so much maturity.
Wow, this really resonates with me. I've been there - the constant interruptions, the "encouragement" to abandon healthy habits, the invalidation. It's exhausting.
Glad you could overcome all of this! Refreshing to see someone talk about it the way you do!