THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.

I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).

To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.

Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.

I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.

Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.

Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).

Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.

Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).

But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.

I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?

I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.

A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.  

My husband has always been loving and caring(or atleast I thought like that). Since the time I got pregnant, the only fight that comes between us is the fact that he spends very less amount of time with me. He did the same during my labour as well. I didn't feel like he was there for me during my delivery.

Above all, we're still living with his parents(which is a common thing around here). But, I expressed my wish to move out soon as we have our family with us now. To which his response was that his parents are more important to him than me and the baby. And it's fine by him even if go on separate paths.

It deeply hurt me hear him say this. I feel very fed up and negative thoughts keep calling.

The worst thing is that he talks to me normally now. As if nothing has happened. 💔

I don't know. Should I end it with him?

I am 20 years female , and I am in my 4th sem , I wear a burkha and a mask and from this sem , all have to attend classes for 75% attendance with proper uniforms that is shirts and pants , I am fat overweight girl I have to attend classes but thisy fucking anxiety don't make me to do it. I am ready to attend classes in uniforms but I am scared that what if someone make fun of me , I have no friends , no one sits beside me and without maks I will be so uncomfortable because of my anxiety , the anxious persons makes so weird awkward expressions and I am scared that what if someone saw this , that's the reason I wear a mask, I am trying my best to be regular but end up in sitting at libraries. My appearance already highlights me in my class and all the prof have an eye on me. My parents thinks I am attending my classes regularly.

I know everyone will tell it's all in my head , but it looks very hard to believe this. All students in my class are so confident, I am an only muslim girl in my class. I am already a year back students. I am really really fed up of life , myself. It's getting so hard for me.I am thinking to change my department but no one will gonna take me now , and my department's will not gonna give me tc. I was ready to attend classes today but I got late.

To whom I am telling this fucking issue , they are telling, it's ok , nothing will happen , at least you should go , I know they are not telling wrong , but if it was that easy for me I would have done it few days before , they will all not gonna know until they have experience it. Due to this I have constant anxiety in my mind , I can't sit at least for 2 minutes peacefully , whenever I try to relax or sit , I recall how should I do it before , I should have attended classes from starting , now what will gonna happen , if they saw my anxiety , I just don't want to look anxious in front of my class , don't want to get insulted , I wish I could go in the past...

I am fed up. I am fed up 😔

I think all of my issues started because I was assigned female at birth. I was only 5 years old when I was told that how my mom would've had preferred a boy child over me. I was so young at that time that I didn't even knew why she wanted a "boy" and not me but when I grew up, it all made sense. My parents were never truly in love with each other. my dad was abusive and used to hit my mom infront of me while I was crying and begging him to stop. I knew at that age that love is not true. all their fights and physical ones still affects me. Now, that I am 16, I am having trouble with academics because of the past that keeps on striking my mind. I want to forget and move on but I can't. It's stuck. One day, I came with lower test results than usual and I was demotivated to my lowest, said that I am not capable of anything or that I can't do anything because I am a girl. I am just fed up of my life. it might sound small or " easy to get over with" stuff but It's really tough to live with this fact.