no matter how hard i try, its never enough

ive felt this way since forever. im 18 and i still remember how i was never appreciated in my childhood for no matter what i did. id always try to impress my parents, but i can still image their disappointments. ive never been disappointing, yet ive never felt appreciated in my life. i still live with my family. ive absolutely zero friends. i have tuberculosis and i barely get to socialise (which is only with my family and relatives). i dont know how to explain this feeling to anybody but ive always felt like no matter what i say, nobody listens. no matter how much i want to prove myself right or tell others about my pain whether its physical of mental, it wouldnt matter. im a rlly quiet person and this has affected my self worth so much. i stay in self doubt all the time. ive rlly unusual thoughts such as “im not allowed to share abt my hobby to anybody or rlse i cant enjoy it”. and i cannot even find the root cause of the thoughts. i met my bf online 5 months ago. i never met him irl. my anxiety and fears tell me that im not allowed to enjoy my relationships cus of the reputation ldrs have. its all filled with stories of cheating and stuff and no matter how good he is to me, i still end up fighting with him and doubting him. im so sure that im not living as a normal person. ive no activities (ive a few hobbies). i dont feel physical good to do anything. and talking to my family feels a huge burden. im rlly sensitive and everything feels like a trigger. ive put so many limits in my daily life and when i think about it i feel so guilty that ive not enjoyed or lived a single day of my life since i just dont know how to. i feel so left out and im afraid of what ppl would think of me. i ruminate abt every single moment and its just so overwhelming.