Post
ze
zehra
11d ago

no matter how hard i try, its never enough

ive felt this way since forever. im 18 and i still remember how i was never appreciated in my childhood for no matter what i did. id always try to impress my parents, but i can still image their disappointments. ive never been disappointing, yet ive never felt appreciated in my life. i still live with my family. ive absolutely zero friends. i have tuberculosis and i barely get to socialise (which is only with my family and relatives). i dont know how to explain this feeling to anybody but ive always felt like no matter what i say, nobody listens. no matter how much i want to prove myself right or tell others about my pain whether its physical of mental, it wouldnt matter. im a rlly quiet person and this has affected my self worth so much. i stay in self doubt all the time. ive rlly unusual thoughts such as “im not allowed to share abt my hobby to anybody or rlse i cant enjoy it”. and i cannot even find the root cause of the thoughts. i met my bf online 5 months ago. i never met him irl. my anxiety and fears tell me that im not allowed to enjoy my relationships cus of the reputation ldrs have. its all filled with stories of cheating and stuff and no matter how good he is to me, i still end up fighting with him and doubting him. im so sure that im not living as a normal person. ive no activities (ive a few hobbies). i dont feel physical good to do anything. and talking to my family feels a huge burden. im rlly sensitive and everything feels like a trigger. ive put so many limits in my daily life and when i think about it i feel so guilty that ive not enjoyed or lived a single day of my life since i just dont know how to. i feel so left out and im afraid of what ppl would think of me. i ruminate abt every single moment and its just so overwhelming.

LO
LOSERRR
10d

same w/ me. wanna talk?

ze
zehra
10d
Author

@LOSERRR yeah sure

ze
zehra
10d
Author

@LOSERRR i grew up in this environment. toxic mother whod insult and yell at me for small things and extremely emotionally absent father. almost all my days go like that. i cant get out of bed and do most stuff. i cant even take care of my health cus facing them just feels too much. the worst part is, everytime i react to them emotionally, i just feel so embarrassed about it and ruminate about it. idk how i move forward but doing something i love and creating a distance from them so they dont trigger my emotions actually kinda helps. but its rlly tough and its like i keep going in circles of this negativity. i feel so unloved and alone and my mother has totally shattered my self esteem at this point. and about you thinking something bad will happen, its just your fears. its not actually true. its like out mind creates these fears and we get so used to the environment around us that we cant accept anything good happening to us anymore. your fears are not your reality and you can still enjoy things you like without fears holding you back. our parents being disappointed in us do not define us and these phases of life only make us stronger

ze
zehra
10d
Author

@LOSERRR its crazy that the jealousy part happens with me too and its with my own boyfriend. but guess what, its not our faults. we just crave something healthy. and yes i always imagine what itd like to be in a different family. and actually “live” life. yk, every small thing triggers me. even if its someone enjoying their hobby in my mind i go like “how are they just doing it?” everything just feels impossible and overwhelming and then theres this feeling of guilt about not being good at literally anything. all these thoughts pile up and make me feel hopeless and bad about myself. have you ever tried something new and lost interest in like 3 days cus you feel like it will just end up badly or theres mobody to appreciate you for it?

LO
LOSERRR
10d

@zehra i jus feel u so much. like ive never had friends either and my parents r also like that. they never care what i do but still find a way to be disappointed. its so hard dealing w all this stuff alone. i stay in my room all day and dont even wanna talk to my family anymore. like everytime i try to share smth w them they just brush it off or make me feel dumb. its so hard when u cant even trust ur own feelings. im always thinking smth bad will happen and i cant enjoy anything. i feel like im wasting my life but idk how to change it. everything feels so heavy and nobody gets it. do u also get those days where u just cant get out of bed cus everything feels too much?

LO
LOSERRR
10d

@zehra i'm really sorry you have to deal with all f this. and thank u for understanding me sm. yeah ur so right abt the fears not being real but its so hard to get out of that mindset when its been there forever. like i keep thinking that if i try smth new itll just end up bad like everything else. and what u said abt getting embarrassed after reacting emotionally, i feel that so much. every time i try to stand up for myself or show any feelings i end up feeling stupid and overthinking it for days. its good that u found some ways to cope tho. we can both work on believing that we deserve good things happening to us. its just hard to break free from all this negative stuff when its been our normal for so long. do u ever wonder what it would be like to grow up in a different family? like one that actually supports u and stuff? i look at my friend and feels so jealous but then feel bad for feeling jealous

Show more replies
Su
SunriseHope
8d

Being 18 and dealing with TB while trying to navigate relationships and family stuff? That's a lot on your plate.


Your situation with socializing is temporary, TB won't last forever. About the LDR my cousin met his wife online 5 years ago, they were long distance for 2 years, and now they're happily married. Don't let other people's stories define your relationship. Take things one day at a time!

ze
zehra
8d
Author

@SunriseHope thank you so much. ill keep pushing no matter what

ha
hadia
5d

hi. i'm really sorry you have to go through this. i really hope life will treat you good and you won't have to worry about a thing. but in the meantime we just gotta make the best of what we got. like notice things that are good about our day, bot something thatt is ad. and i know it's hard. but we have to do it!

More on this topic