i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.
it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.
i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.
it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.
everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.
the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.
the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.
i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.
idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.
after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do
but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.
first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.
when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.
in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.
i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.
people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?
but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???
or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.
i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.
tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.
what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.
i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?
same w/ me. wanna talk?
@LOSERRR yeah sure
@LOSERRR i grew up in this environment. toxic mother whod insult and yell at me for small things and extremely emotionally absent father. almost all my days go like that. i cant get out of bed and do most stuff. i cant even take care of my health cus facing them just feels too much. the worst part is, everytime i react to them emotionally, i just feel so embarrassed about it and ruminate about it. idk how i move forward but doing something i love and creating a distance from them so they dont trigger my emotions actually kinda helps. but its rlly tough and its like i keep going in circles of this negativity. i feel so unloved and alone and my mother has totally shattered my self esteem at this point. and about you thinking something bad will happen, its just your fears. its not actually true. its like out mind creates these fears and we get so used to the environment around us that we cant accept anything good happening to us anymore. your fears are not your reality and you can still enjoy things you like without fears holding you back. our parents being disappointed in us do not define us and these phases of life only make us stronger
@LOSERRR its crazy that the jealousy part happens with me too and its with my own boyfriend. but guess what, its not our faults. we just crave something healthy. and yes i always imagine what itd like to be in a different family. and actually “live” life. yk, every small thing triggers me. even if its someone enjoying their hobby in my mind i go like “how are they just doing it?” everything just feels impossible and overwhelming and then theres this feeling of guilt about not being good at literally anything. all these thoughts pile up and make me feel hopeless and bad about myself. have you ever tried something new and lost interest in like 3 days cus you feel like it will just end up badly or theres mobody to appreciate you for it?
@zehra i jus feel u so much. like ive never had friends either and my parents r also like that. they never care what i do but still find a way to be disappointed. its so hard dealing w all this stuff alone. i stay in my room all day and dont even wanna talk to my family anymore. like everytime i try to share smth w them they just brush it off or make me feel dumb. its so hard when u cant even trust ur own feelings. im always thinking smth bad will happen and i cant enjoy anything. i feel like im wasting my life but idk how to change it. everything feels so heavy and nobody gets it. do u also get those days where u just cant get out of bed cus everything feels too much?
@zehra i'm really sorry you have to deal with all f this. and thank u for understanding me sm. yeah ur so right abt the fears not being real but its so hard to get out of that mindset when its been there forever. like i keep thinking that if i try smth new itll just end up bad like everything else. and what u said abt getting embarrassed after reacting emotionally, i feel that so much. every time i try to stand up for myself or show any feelings i end up feeling stupid and overthinking it for days. its good that u found some ways to cope tho. we can both work on believing that we deserve good things happening to us. its just hard to break free from all this negative stuff when its been our normal for so long. do u ever wonder what it would be like to grow up in a different family? like one that actually supports u and stuff? i look at my friend and feels so jealous but then feel bad for feeling jealous
Being 18 and dealing with TB while trying to navigate relationships and family stuff? That's a lot on your plate.
Your situation with socializing is temporary, TB won't last forever. About the LDR my cousin met his wife online 5 years ago, they were long distance for 2 years, and now they're happily married. Don't let other people's stories define your relationship. Take things one day at a time!
@SunriseHope thank you so much. ill keep pushing no matter what
hi. i'm really sorry you have to go through this. i really hope life will treat you good and you won't have to worry about a thing. but in the meantime we just gotta make the best of what we got. like notice things that are good about our day, bot something thatt is ad. and i know it's hard. but we have to do it!