hi. i am 21(m) and my girlfriend is 20(f). i am in a relationship for over a year now. everything was just as i expected from the beginning. but since the last 5-6 months, things started to go down real quick. i feel like a lot of things have changed in both our lives. both of us dont have a normal lifestyle. we both are living a life that people wont prefer living. but i think the main reason of all the problems is the long distance. i am studying in a different city, as we are indians, we are not allowed to go into a living relationship. i know the society is conservative. still i wanna work things out. but nothing changes.

i dont know why she just stopped being nice to me. in face her behavior is always rude. she doesnt like spending time with me anymore. i always think that she is into someone else but i cant jump into conclusions right? she finds me annoying. no matter what i do, she doesnt feel happy about it. i give efforts, a lot infact. she doesnt. she has stopped giving fucks about me and its been a long time now. i cant even leave her as i love her so much. she is the girl of my dreams. and she cant leave me either because her family likes me now.

her behavior is, in short, toxic. she never speaks like a normal girl. she is either screaming or abusing me. but when i raise my voice, i become a victim of the feminist movement. "you cant talk to a girl like that". when she does that, its always "you go queen" drama. she doesnt give a fuck even if i dont contact her for days. she doesnt call me or text me in the first place. whenever i call her, she sounds irritated just by hearing my voice whereas i am the one dying to talk to her.

i live alone and i have no friends. i am diagnosed with schizophrenia. its hard for me to even maintain sane behavior at times and it feels like shes being a burden. she is not the girl i fell in love with. she is not the girl she was last year. she is just so different. she was my last resort to escape the daily circus of this shitty world. she was my shelter. now all she does is fuck me up, fuck my mental health up. she has become narcissist. she is always like "i dont give a fuck about what happens to you unless it affects me.". i dont know why shes doing such things but yeah, its hard, specially when it comes from the person whom you love the most and the only person you talk with.

i dont know if im ever gonna come back to this site but i had to get my head clear. bye

Being from a broken home I believed everything that was happening at home was because of me like if I wasn't born my parents life would have been way different.Till some days back I hated myself so much that I thought what's the point of living such a pathetic life. In 28 yrs I never understood what happiness and peace was because more than ups I only witnessed down's in life that lead me to believe that I am a complete failure, because of me my family couldnt witness good days .For years I had been in trauma ,not being able to tell anyone what I was going through and how I was feeling , thinking no one would ever understand and I will be stuck here life long... Exactly a month back I realised I can't take it anymore leading to severe anxiety and depression.For some days I took therapy felt a little better but as I had to take break for months from work I couldn't afford therapy,had no option so decided to actually experience life once.I went through the root cause of why I felt the way I did realized it was just my thoughts and situations at home which made me believe so ...I journaled,cried for days, accepted all the emotions associated with it , opened all the wounds, dressed them realised they were just wrong beliefs which had nothing to do with me,forgave myself and my loved ones and healing gracefully.I have finally accepted everything and started loving myself...just feeling on top of the world.I thank God for letting me go through this and making me realise how beautiful I am and life is .So my readers I do understand what you are going through its tough but never lose hope till u find the way out through this tunnel... no one is alone... you all are loved and blessed with the gift of life..utilize it to the fullest and never let your thoughts make you believe that they are fact....take that power away from them and give it back to u...Hope it inspires you to smile always ,never give up live your life to the fullest and thanks for the support...

Sometimes suddenly I remembers about the mistakes I had made taking wrong decisions due to others words

And I know that then and also now my mind is not stable due to stress and anxiety.

And if I wanna make myself feel positive then negatives dominate giving substitutes in my positivity that in this position you should not do this

I always want to take revenge who ever hurted me with their abusive words ,""should I do? Or let it go""please answer this.

I know I can do revenge but it can be worse n either for me or them.

And I think these dominating power of negativity is due to not loving me myself. isn't it?

Has anyone ever experienced their body shutting down out of the blue, seemingly for no reason? Like you’re going through an attack, but it’s not how panic attacks are usually described (hyperventilation, breathing fast, etc.), it’s the opposite. It has happened about 5 times to me, always in the evening when I’m preparing for sleep or am lying in bed. I noticed it starts with this weird tingling feeling that I associate with intense physical efforts like running a marathon, when the last bits of energy are floating out of you and the body is preparing to get a deserved rest. But it doesn’t feel like drifting to sleep. My body sorta freezes while my mind is still fully awake and I can sorta watch my body from above. I can feel my breathing getting slower by the minute, and I instinctively begin to breathe through my mouth for fear of being choked from no oxygen. I try to keep my eyes open because I’m scared that if I fall asleep in such a state I’ll certainly die… Yet my brain is willing to go into sleep mode, which makes me fight with myself and fight with this terror that something’s wrong with my body. My vision gets blurry and my head lightheaded. If I try to get up and walk the room I can’t fully shake off the dizziness and extreme anxiety akin to panic (but again, not quite), the room sorta zooming away from me. I can’t describe it in any other way but tunnel vision as I can’t focus on anything in the room besides what’s right in front of me. My hearing gets muddied and I eventually have to sit back or lie down on the bed because otherwise I’ll pass out.

I’m seriously scared there might be something wrong, and not only with my mind. I wonder if this could be disassociation gone too far or some sort of a pre-stroke condition? It makes me dizzy and nauseated, and I’m scared to fall asleep for many more hours afterwards. The last time this happened during the day when I was about to lie down and watch movies for a couple of hours. Basically, it always happens when I’m about to relax, nothing seemingly worrying me, that’s why I’m positive it’s not a panic attack.

Can it be the body’s reaction to stress? The first two times when it happened I was staying with my stepparent who is going through rehabilitation after surgery, and those were super stressful days and nights. I thought it might be my body’s way to tell me it needs a rest or some medical help. However, I’m on antianxiety meds now, and it happened three more times since. I would really like it to go away, it scares the shit out of me. Am I the only one with these weird conditions??