i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.
it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.
i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.
it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.
everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.
the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.
the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.
i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.
idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.
after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do
but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.
first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.
when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.
in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.
i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.
people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?
but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???
or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.
i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.
tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.
what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.
i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?
I don’t believe you suck. I believe you are strong and you deserve to be happy
@megan kohler omg youre so right! I agree with this 100%. I need to implement this more into my daily life, thank you!
@megan kohler I use to always bring myself down, how do I get rid of it? 😭
@positive_vibes_only Honestly I’m not sure lol I struggle with it every day. I guess I just try to do things like listen to music that brings me up or remind myself that I am worth it
@semicolon you are welcome 🙂
@megan kohler thanks for your kindness 🤍
You're not a failure or someone who deserves mistreatment. The patterns you've identified are incredibly insightful
Learning to set boundaries is genuinely one of the hardest skills to develop, especially when our early experiences didn't model healthy ones. I'd recommend starting with tiny boundaries in low-stakes situations - practice saying "I need to think about that" instead of an immediate yes.
It takes time to rewire these patterns. Your awareness is already a huge step. Also, depression is not your fault - it's a legitimate health condition that saps energy and hope. Reaching out for professional support might help provide tools to navigate this. There are therapists who specialize in boundary-setting and recovering from narcissistic abuse. Your insight and self-reflection show remarkable strength, even if you don't feel strong right now. What small act of kindness could you show yourself tomorrow?
@SoulJourney22 thanks a lot for your understanding! and yes it's really how i should improve myself by being less of a people pleaser, i have a therapist but i don't know if it really helps me for decisions it's more like a relief when i need to rant. and for my day i went to an exhibition, restaurant, movies and a snack it was cool and peaceful just to do everything at my own rythm and choices
I think celebrating your birthday alone sounds wonderful! Treat yourself kindly.
@Mai yes i don't see this as a loser thing actually i think it's important to prioritize also our important events only for ourselves to breath. but not gonna lie i was kinda sad after because some people showed again i really did the right choice by not expecting from them, you know?
@semicolon Yep! That's a wise observation, and don't worry about these people, some people are just not worth the attention at all!
First, happy early birthday. I'm sorry you've experienced so much pain. The cycle you describe is incredibly common - when we grow up without healthy boundaries modeled for us, we often struggle to establish them as adults. This doesn't mean you're flawed or unworthy - it means you developed adaptive strategies that helped you survive earlier in life
@brendasmth876 thanks a lot! and yes it definitely shaped me in a way i always faced life with but now i have to improve that!
@semicolon You got this! I believe in you! ❤️
I understand your pain, it's really tough to go through these cycles of abuse and disrespect. You deserve so much better than what you've experienced. Taking time for yourself on your birthday is actually a powerful act of self-care. Sometimes we need to step back from people who drain our energy. Remember that healing isn't linear, and there will be good days and bad days. I hope you find peace within yourself first. What activities are you planning for your solo birthday celebration?
@Joseph C. i hope i will finally feel better too but ngl i'm not hopeful... i went to see an exhibit i wanted to go to since months, restaurant and movies and snacks, just doing things at my pace and choices made me feel peaceful
@semicolon Hope you'r doing okay right now! I really think that we never should lose hope. There's always hope!
Reading your story reminds me of how much courage it takes to acknowledge these painful patterns. True connections are built on mutual respect and care, not what you can provide for others. Setting boundaries doesn't make you selfish - it makes relationships healthier. I am happy for you. it can be tough I know but it's worth it!
No, you absolutely don't suck. The fact that you're reflecting so deeply shows tremendous self-awareness. What you're describing sounds like a pattern of encountering people who don't respect boundaries, which is unfortunately common. Have you considered that perhaps you attract certain types of people because of qualities they see in you - like kindness and generosity? Those are beautiful traits, even if some have taken advantage. What helped me was learning to pause before saying yes to requests and asking myself "Does this serve me too?" Boundaries aren't selfish
I spent years being a people-pleaser and it led to burnout and resentment.
Learning to say no was terrifying at first but ultimately liberating. Your birthday celebration sounds perfect - honoring yourself exactly as you wish.
This might be the beginning of a new chapter where you prioritize your wellbeing. Trust that authentic people will value you for who you are, not what you do for them. You've survived difficult experiences, which shows remarkable resilience
Your birthday probably have already passed, but I want you to congratulate you anyway! Always prioritize yourself
Each small choice to honor yourself builds a foundation for a different future. Depression makes everything harder, but recovery is possible. What would genuinely bring you joy on your birthday?