I feel like calling it a conscious choice is oversimplifying it. A lot of young girls and boys “decide” to be anorexic. Our current culture values skinny people, and it gets ingrained into our brains that it’s the only “normal” way to be. So were you really making such a free choice as it seems, or were you trying to find coping mechanisms in order to deal with something else already present and mentally torturing you? Somehow, I can not believe that healthy people can suddenly choose to severely restrict their food intake.

Some of the things you mention really show how little of a choice there was in there, and how many other factors played into it. The fact that you had to face shaming and bullying due to your physical appearance makes it clear that your life circumstances left you with few options. In a way, we all make choices based on our current environments, and in that sense, we’re forced to make them, even if it seems to us we’re willingly doing it. Please note, I’m not trying to lessen your struggles or the results that you have achieved. You see, what really matters with eating disorders is not whether you are choosing not to eat, what matters is what has happened in your life that your brain and your body could allow you to keep choosing not to eat.

Oh, I used to think just like you! I thought I’d stop limiting myself once I got to my goal weight. It was my choice. But it was not my choice to be unable to start eating again. It wasn’t my choice to be unhappy with my life, not even being able to eat a cake on my birthday. If I simply wanted to lose weight, I’d visit a nutritionist. No one chooses to starve out of nowhere, if you’ve made this choice, you’ve already had some serious issues that led to that kind of mindset.

I suppose what those calling it an eating disorder mean is that though initially people think they’re making conscious decisions, later the disorder begins to control them and all their choices. Thus “an addiction” and a “disorder”. I don’t even think it’s important how to label it. The important thing is to pull yourself out of the unworthy mentality, to restore your body image and to find and share all the joys of life where food is one of those joys.

Think of it like an alcohol addiction. People who drink their first bottle definitely choose to do it. They probably choose it a few times afterwards, because it improves their mood. Until they can’t stop drinking, and the choice is taken from them. And they have to fight with it, sometimes for the rest of their lives. Your mind did not choose to be at war with your body, your ED did that.

I think you’re being a bit unfair to yourself. Those who call it a disease or a pathology are certainly idiots, even if they’re trying to help! But, turning back, would you make the same choice? Or would you prefer to find another solution, a better one? If you didn’t lack support at the time, if you knew about all the consequences... I think we all need self-love and empathy, we’re all struggling with our own demons. And judging our past decisions does not help us on your healing journey.

@jules To tell the truth, I think the majority of us blames ourselves for all our mental issues. We desire power and control, and we cling to every possibility to set our disorders in order. Yes, you consciously chose to restrict your food intake; however, you certainly never chose all the negative underlying emotions. We never choose the fear of getting overweight or the desire to look like a skeleton. I truly hope you’ve found other ways to cope with your mental struggle by now!

@jules The only thing I regret about is that I wasn’t able to stick up for myself back then. I wish I could turn back time and kick the ass of everyone who shamed me for my weight. I wish I could tell myself back then that I am good enough and I don’t need to be better than someone else.

I understand what you mean. When I was younger, I too believed that my eating disorder wasn’t real. Today I can look back and see that it all started at the time when I had little control over my life. The reason I felt that eating was wrong was because there was indeed something wrong in my life, but I could not pinpoint what, and so I chose what seemed like the most logical thing to do to make things right. I’m still not sure how I feel about it. I don’t blame myself for the lifetime struggle that followed, but I wish I could have found other ways to feel attractive.

I’m sorry you feel invalidated when someone calls your eating disorder problematic or addictive. Your struggles are real, and they don’t become insignificant however you call them. I trust that you’ve been in therapy and that all your future choices will nurture both your mind and your body!