Old Patterns, Low Self esteem, past traumas and betrayal.

Old Pattern, Past traumas, and Ideation.

this past few weeks I had been thinking of doing self harm. I always feel insecure, doubting myself and my worth. When I was a kid my father is a drug addict who left us a multiple times. and I think that's where I get this thinking of maybe in not worth it. because my father changed when he had my brother but when my brother passed away he get back to his old ways of coping which is using drugs.

Im in a relationship now about 6 months and we're in a Long Distance Relationship. And every time that I enter a relationship I have this Old pattern that my brain is so familiar with it. and also my best friend for almost 4 years were like a siblings. She betrayed me for having fling with the person I’ve always wanted and out group of friends seemed to think that its like a big deal and its in the past. well in fact I was not grieving for my best friend going after the person I’ve always wanted, its the fact that I trusted her so much and in the end my best friend betrayed me.

This patterns are re-occurring when Im in a relationship. I was unaware of it since | was a teenager and now Im a young adult wanting this patterns to change and I don't know where to start. I wanted a support because I lack of it.