Lately, I've been feeling off. Sometimes I notice changes in my behavior—I'll feel different, like I'm not myself. I experience bouts of depression, stress, fatigue, and disinterest in things that used to excite me. It's like a mix of negative emotions swirling around inside me. I've become more emotionally fragile too; even small things can set me off, making me cry easily.

At home, it's tough. My parents constantly put me down, telling me I'm worthless, the worst person ever, and comparing me to everyone else. They expect perfection in everything I do, but no matter how much they criticize and pressure me, I seem to do worse than before. It's like a never-ending cycle of abuse. I hear more than ten insults (mostly abuses)every single day, and it's become almost normal for me to endure this verbal on slaught. But lately, even the slightest hint of criticism or yelling makes me break down in tears.

My emotions are all over the place. I struggle to feel love and happiness most of the time. My days are filled with sadness, frustration, intense anger, tears, and moments where I just feel numb. It's like I'm stuck in this whirlwind of negativity, and I don't know how to break free. I've tried everything to cope with what's going on, really. I've read up on how to reprogram my mind, tried to change my thinking patterns, but nothing seems to stick. It's like life keeps throwing insults at me, non-stop. Sometimes, I get so angry that I end up pushing away even the people who care about me. I just isolate myself and avoid talking to anyone.

Getting out of this negative cycle feels impossible. Even though my long-distance boyfriend loves me and tries his best to take care of me, I'm starting to doubt my own feelings for him. It's like my emotions are all over the place, and I don't know what to do.

Every day brings its own set of crazy situations. Whenever someone hears the full story of what I go through with my parents, they just shake their heads and say my parents must be mentally ill or something. I try to keep my distance from them, but it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep forever or go deaf so I wouldn't have to hear their voices anymore. I'm getting more and more irritated, and I can't stand the sound of their voices.

Being human, we're greatly influenced by our environment. It's like they say, if you're surrounded by animals, you might start acting like one too. For me, it's like living in a world of constant negativity and abuse. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I have little to no confidence in myself. I get really anxious around other people, and social situations make me extremely uncomfortable.

To make things even harder, I've been stuck at home for the past six years with no chance to travel or experience anything new. My life revolves around enduring these abuses, going to school, and then back home, day in and day out. It feels like there's no escape from this cycle of negativity.

i am 26yo, and ive been going through depression for almost 1 year, im blaming myself for anything bad is happening in my life, i couldnt achieve my goals yet and regret many things i did and didnt do, and i hate myself for this, i am mentally consumed, i cutt off my friends everyone and just isolated my self from the world, i want to do alot of things in my life but my inner self just keep telling me that its too late and i cant do this or anything! Instead i just stay at my room everyday not sleeping well or eating well not motivated to do anything, and tired, i been having delusions, and get panic attacks and anxiaty, whenever i think about my future i lost hope and meaning/purpose of life, i didnt seek help from anyone, i used to live alone, but when i graduated i moved back to my parents house, i thought that my family are the ones suppose to help me through anything, the only person i rely on and consider as my safe place is my mom, i dont have a good relation with my dad and i dont rely on him, but my mom is narcissist and kinda toxic, at my lowest i felt abandoned by her she made my mental health even worst since i moved in, i have a hateful sister that she always feel threatend by me for some reason, she always fake her attitude and her treatment so she can appear as the favorite daughter, and to do so she always have to bring me down and cause me problems with my parents and humiliate me infront of people and her friends, so they would hate me and love her more!! Cuz of my depression i became less tolerating and more violant, so she knows how to get on my nerves everytime she is home, and my parents alwyas on her side they just dont care about my mental health or what i am going through they always blame me for anything and i am always the bad person, i grew up in a toxic enviorenement where there is verbal violance and even physical, now i came to the degree that when i am furious i cant control myself what i say or do i just hurt myself to feel relieved and say mean things, iam scared that i would kill myself one day, i even left the house once, and my mom faint and went to hospital cuz she was scared i would do something harmful to myself then i came back home hoping that things will change no matter how much i communicate about everything with her she just keeps bring me down and as long as my sister in my life, she will always make my life miserable, i cant even focus on myself while living in a toxic house, and i cant live alone rn cuz iam currently unemployed, i love my family no matter how they are or how they treat me but iam so tired they ruining my life as it is already falling apart, idk what to do or where to start,i feel alone without any support, Pls praay for me to get my life on track, i really dont want to live the rest of life like this or do something i will regret!!

July 2022 was the year I decided to start doing things outside my comfort zone as an introvert, so it began with presenting more feminine and bar hopping. I brought two-tone wigs, revealing clothes and started wearing makeup. I began going on dates with people from media apps and was treated to tacos and margaritas every other day. Then, 2 weeks into August I met someone special. It was from that evening forward, August 17th, 2022, that my life would change in the most unexpected way.

It was half past 19:00 when I pulled up to a rooftop bar in my new, red and black two tone wig. I was dressed in all black; a cropped fishnet top with leather pants and eccentric punk makeup. I took a seat by the window and then… I saw him. My server. The man I briefly dated and the abuser who traumatised me. After placing a carafe of water at my table, he gave me a gentle smile and introduced himself. Post taking my order, I noticed his flirtatious expression in between passing, most to which I returned.

A few drinks later I worked up the courage to shoot my shot and asked for his number, after asking if he’d take a photo of me dining, both to which he surprisingly obliged. The next day we went on our first date. He picked me up at a nearby park early afternoon and we spent the evening getting to know one another over sushi and plum wine. Everything seemed fine at first but then his mask began to crack and before I knew it, the abuse began.

It started with the evening I initiated our relationship, August 24th, 2022, where we hopped bar after bar, and each time he’d force me to drink with him. It wasn’t long before my intoxication as he already had me drinking since 4pm; specifically Prosecco (11% alc.) and Geikkeikan Saké (15.6%). To spare details, once he noticed I was in a drunken stupor, he escorted me to his place and sexually assaulted me. To this day I have little to no recollection of the event; I only remember collapsing on the bed, wavering in and out of consciousness before passing out and coming to at the sight of him fastening his belt, telling me, “Come on, I have to take you home.”

It was that day moving forward this became a pattern; coercing me to drink until I’m drunk so he could assault me, but it didn’t stop there. I foolishly introduced him to my at the time best friend who he not only attempted to triangulate between us, but sexually harassed despite our protests and isolate me away from them and other members of support. Among trying to financially control me with encouragement to quit my at the time job and live with him, he simultaneously triangulated an at the time coworker of his. Whenever we were at bars, he’d blatantly flirt with other people. Additionally, he’d make racially insensitive about minorities despite being a minority himself.

Whenever I would hold him accountable for his inappropriate behaviour or inflammatory remarks, he’d gaslight me or play victim. He projected accusations of infidelity onto me despite cheating on me with his ex and several other people, then began badmouthing my loved ones. He’d purposefully arrange and cancel, deprive me of sleep, ignore text messages, violate my boundaries despite there being clear communication, and misgender me despite knowing I’m not a woman as he’s seen me without wigs and makeup.

Throughout all of the mistreatment I did my best to give him the benefit of the doubt because the moment I entered that “relationship”, I said to myself that I want to ensure I’m exercising all the proper avenues to ensure it works and that I’m practicing healthy communication. September 26th, 2022 was the day I had enough and blocked him on everything, effectively ending our relationship. At the time of us dating, for every “situation” that triggered me it was also communicated to a trusted loved one. September 26th is the day they spoke my truth on behalf of me. September 28th, 2022 is the day I came forth myself speaking my truth.

Not even a week later, I began finding myself descend into a state of despondency. I couldn’t get out of bed, I lost my appetite, I was impulsively spending to cope and I became incredibly isolated. Despite being fortunate enough to be met with support when coming out, it didn’t change I didn’t have a personal support system. I took legal action and spent the next 7-9 months fighting health complications and legal affairs. What made it hurt twice as worse is with coming out, several other people traumatised by my assailant approached me saying he did the same thing to me.

However throughout this time, I actively sought professional help. I chose sobriety, started volunteering, I picked up boxing, and dedicated the rest of my time to creating a better life for myself. Came September 22nd, 2023 I received justice in a way that felt good to me. Many of hardships have become a lot more manageable and I’m thankful for the connections I’ve built from them and are maintaining today. Now, it’s August 1st, 2024 and 2022 feels far away. I’ve been so preoccupied with continuously practicing kindness, self love and restoring my health that I sometimes forget that entire ordeal happened. August 2022 was a terrible period in my life that could’ve actually killed me, but I’m so glad to have survived and came out stronger.

My assailant traumatised the ever loving hell out of me, but he traumatised me so badly it made me want to get my shit together. Sometimes I never know whether to hate him or thank him, but I generally feel indifferent. While he’s a covert narcissist and they rarely never change, that doesn’t mean I can’t continue to change myself.

Good day everyone.

I really don't know what to do anymore, I am so tired.

I am a beautiful girl so I have been told plenty times by numerous people yet I don't see it or feel it.

I am skinny, not so bad skinny but skinny nevertheless. People always says I am too skinny and I need to add weight which I agree with.

But the moment someone says oh you have added weight I find myself doing relentless exercise.

My stomach flat but for me it's not enough, it can't get flatter than that but I still find myself critising.

My sister is on the bigger side, she doesn't have flat stomach but she doesn't care, she loves herself like that.

I moved to a new city to stay with my sister who is in college. The whole place different. I see girls ten times bigger than me yet they wear crop tops and smile happily.

I can't wear a crop top with thinking my stomach is big which is not.

I can't control these thoughts no matter how hard I try neither can I control the automatic exercise that follows. My sister says she will beat me up if she catches me doing exercise because I am already too skinny.

It's so bad I can't take pictures or do videos like other girls because I will watch that video or stare at the picture over and over again feeling like my hands are long, my legs are too skinny, I don't have flesh.

But the frustration is that the moment I add a little weight, food loses appeal and exercise is my new friend.

I want to add weight but I feel even if I did I won't still love the way I look.

How can I do stop this, I want to feel good and take picture without worrying or deleting them.

I just want to feel that I am beautiful, I am tired of hearing people say it and not believing it myself.

How do i do that? 😭