I'm sorry, I don't need help. I just wanted to express my frustration.
After almost a year of depression I can finally say, that I'm not as depressed anymore. But now I feel anger. I don't know whether it's hypomania speaking in me, or whether it's me, who's just so frustrated and baffled at the fact, that I actually didn't get any emotional support during those times from my friends and relatives, from closest people around me.
I couldn't protect myself during those times. I felt extreme guilt, I felt like a failure, that I don't deserve any good. I was so vulnerable, so fragile, yet people around me considered it to be their duty to tell me that I'm not trying hard enough, that I'm just a fool who's stupid enough to not figure out how to live his life. My mother always reminded me how I'm being a burden for her, how I instead should've been a support for others. My friends suggested that maybe I don't want things that I was trying to achieve hard enough. I always felt shame for seeking for someone who could understand me. As if I was just seeking attention and pettiness. NO. I was seeking emotional help and support that I didn't get in the slightest. I'm so thankful that at the end of the day I turned out to be strong enough to bare those challenges despite having such incompetent friends and relatives.
I understand why they were as they were. Because affective mental disorders aren't considered to be a big deal. You seem perfectly normal, you're not screaming out of your mind. What's the problem then? Sometimes I feel "depressed" as well, I just try not to be consumed by it, I just think about my responsibilities and blah blah blah. I just want to return to times when i heard this bullshit and say shut the fuck up, just shut up. You have no idea what people are going through, nobody is asking you how are you dealing with your so called "depression". If person says that he's suffering don't minimize his problem, don't project your insecurities on him. If you can't help, just say sorry I can't help you, don't make things worse. Try to learn things if you don't understand them at least for your closest friends and relatives.
For those who's suffering: I'm with you. If people tell or suggest even in a slightest way that you're not trying hard enough, fuck them. They are fools who know nothing about hard challenges that you're going through every day. You're trying your best, even if you're just staying alive its enough. You are strong.
Hello!
You say that your feel worthless. Unfortunately, we tend to underestimate ourselves and our abilities. I am sure there’s a great potential in you. Your friends think that you can get into college. What if there’s some truth in that? They obviously have reasons to believe in it. Undoubtedly, other people can be mistaken. Yet, think about what they say, maybe they have a point.
I know that you are upset because your loved ones and teachers may seem to worry only about your academic performance. Probably this creates an impression that they value you only for good marks. You need to understand that you are worthy no matter what your achievements are. All of us have our ups and downs, it’s a natural process.
What you have to do now is to stop trying to be a good student. Ask yourself: “What do I want? What is it I really need?” You say that you constantly have to match other people’s expectations. But this is your life, and you don’t have to live it according to someone else’s scenario. Start by doing things you really like and enjoy every day, even during a small amount of time.
To conclude I would like to say that close people usually mean well to us. But still they may forget to ask for our opinion. I would recommend you to have a talk with your father and share your emotions and worries with him. I am sure you will work it out and find a compromise.