pregnancy and postpartum depression

My baby is 4 months old, and I think I’m going crazy. All my life I’ve waited for these moments when I’d be holding her in my hands. And now that my dearest dream has come true, I can’t feel joy. I’m angry and sad. I don’t think it’s how it should be? I worry all the time that I’m doing something wrong. It’s my first child, and I have no one to help. My partner is home only on weekends. My days are all the same, and nights are the worst, I can’t sleep for nights in a row until I’m so exhausted I drop dead and am woken up by my daughter’s screams. I’m mad at my partner, and I feel so bad about it... He almost stopped talking to me. I know I’m being mean and unfair, he’s working hard to support us all. But I can’t control it. A few words he says may make me cry. I’ve never cried so much in my life! It’s as if I’m always on edge, ready to burst. I push myself to get through the day, but it’s getting harder. Why? Shouldn’t it get better? I’m praying that next month it’ll be a bit easier, my partner’s parents will arrive for the holidays to help. But at the same time, I’m scared as hell that my future mother-in-law will judge me. My house’s a mess, I have no time to keep everything in order. I’ve gained weight. I hope my partner won’t show his irritation when his parents are here. I’ve googled about postpartum depression, and I think all the signs are there. But I can’t have meds prescribed, I’m still breastfeeding. Am I even allowed to feel that way?

Specialist answer

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Veena Choudhary

Specialist

Hi,

I have also gone through this after birth. yes its okie to feel like that. It happens because there is a major life change after the birth which causes physical and emotional stress and physiological changes as well. it could also be because of drop in estrogen, Progesterone, hormonal changes in the body or even feeling of isolation could also be the reason.

There is no better gift to your child than a happy, healthy, grounded parent so do go to your primary care doctor for maternal therapist who will help you through talk therapy. You can also:

Talk to any of your close friends or anyone who has given birth recently. join a mother group online where you will be able to share and hear similar experiences which will help you to validate your emotions.

Communicate to your husband about it. say you just need atleast a day break to complete your sleep or just relax.

keep a daily dairy. write down all your emotions and feelings. This is a way to let out your thoughts and frustrations. Once you begin to feel better you can go back and re read your diary. This will help you see how much better you are.

Remeber you are not expected to be super mom, super daughter in law and you don't have to be one. Be honest about how much you can do and do convey this to your inlaws as well. Don't burden and stress yourself.

When inlaws are there trying taking atleast 1 hour break for yourself. do what you like read a book or watch a movie. Just dedicate that time for you.

Whenever you are anxious cuddle your baby gently as this releases oxytocin which can lower anxiety levels.

Try talking to your husband or inlaws and getting atleast one uninterrupted stretch of sleep.

Even yoga or meditation for 15 min helps.

See if you can get help in the night.

Go outside and catch some fresh air. Exposure to sunlight will improve your mood. take the stroller and bay out for 15 min a day.

Try sleeping in the day time when your baby sleeps.

Dont expect perfection. Give yourself time to learn and understand as its new experience. stop being self critical. Do talk to a therapist.

mrsKnobbs

Hi, Rita

As a mother of two, I can tell you it gets easier. Your life will be different now, but it will be full of joys you’ve never known before. You’re overwhelmed, and your body needs time to rest and reset the hormones. You are allowed not to be perfect! No one is expecting it from you. You should share your worries with your partner, your anger comes from a feeling of being misunderstood and alone. Drinking herbal teas (chamomile, lemon balm) helped me somewhat calm down my anxiety when my second child was born. You should try to find ways to relax and let it all happen naturally. There is no such thing as a perfect mother. You ARE the best mom to your wonderful daughter!

mrsKnobbs

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Greendays

You can cope with it without meds. My sister had a PPD. Self-care is your priority number one right now. Do not stress about your partner’s parents. It’s not them who’ve just had a baby, and they understand how hard it can be during the first year or two. You should get enough vitamins and minerals both for you and your newborn’s sake: vitamin D, iron, Omega (high levels of EPA and DHA).

Edited

shy_guy

I’m not an expert in this area. I suppose you’re seeing your health-care provider regularly, and they can help you with non-drug recommendations and with increasing the quality of your sleep. Also, psychotherapy is very effective, even compared to antidepressants, especially in the long term. As my wife likes to say, pills make you feel better, but therapy actually makes you better! So if you have a chance to try even online therapy, please consider it.

Elizabeth

Ah, it’s so priceless when there is someone to help during these first months, a grandmother or a nanny. I can imagine how difficult it is for you to look after your newborn on your own. Company is the best natural support, so if you can, reach out to your friends and invite them to walk with you or even help babysitting. There’s no shame in it, we all go through it at some point in life. Talking to other young mothers will put your feelings into perspective and help you worry less about mundane imperfections.

Violet omen

Motherhood must not be such a lonely experience. Ask your partner if he can spend more time with you and the baby. All the money in the world can not buy these first months when your child learns her first baby steps. Spending time outside the house, in fresh air and just among people, also helps. I'm sending you strength and good moods!

Minor Sage

Dark chocolate and St. John 's wort are two holistic antidepressants, though they may not be enough if you’re having severe mood swings. You’ll find your way back to normality, don’t ever doubt that! Try doing some minor exercise daily while you’re with your baby. A short yoga video, or stretching on the floor. I think exercising with a hopper balls is allowed for young mothers.

Kim

Please consider seeking professional help. Your fears about breastfeeding are reasonable, but your doctor will be able to choose a special postpartum supplement for you and help you with your insomnia. Your firt months with your baby do not have to be so miserable. You should be kinder to yourself, guilt only exacerbates other negative feelings. You are totally allowed to do only 50% of what you used to do around the house. No one expects more from you. Please take care of yourself first.

Breanne

Hello, congratulations on your firstborn! You will make your way to happiness, and all the current obstacles will seem like small pebbles along the road. You should really explain PPD to your partner and maybe ask him to educate himself about it. It will help him understand what you’re going through, and you’ll be more at ease with your emotions. You could also look into postpartum support groups, most of the online ones are free or very low-cost.

tengotti

I can’t imagine how people do it. I’ll probably never have children… Hang in there! Hope things get better for you.

postpartum depression?

My husband has always been loving and caring(or atleast I thought like that). Since the time I got pregnant, the only fight that comes between us is the fact that he spends very less amount of time with me. He did the same during my labour as well. I didn't feel like he was there for me during my delivery.

Above all, we're still living with his parents(which is a common thing around here). But, I expressed my wish to move out soon as we have our family with us now. To which his response was that his parents are more important to him than me and the baby. And it's fine by him even if go on separate paths.

It deeply hurt me hear him say this. I feel very fed up and negative thoughts keep calling.

The worst thing is that he talks to me normally now. As if nothing has happened. 💔

I don't know. Should I end it with him?

post partum depression

I delivered my baby on August second about 3 weeks back. It was an emergency cesarean. As my mother passed away, from the time I was pregnant, my mother in law was saying she will take care of me post delivery. When I reached native ( I was doing post graduation else where and came for delivery), I was craving to stay at my home and spend time with my younger brother and father. But upon asking to stay at my home for 2 days, my in laws didn't agree. I cried so much but suffered everything and didn't tell them. My tension was increasing day by day on staying at in laws home ( husband is working elsewhere) and finally it led to emergency c section. Post delivery I came to their house, as my baby wakes up at night iam not able to sleep in night but morning my mother in law comes , when I just close my eyes after putting the baby somehow to sleep and she asks me to wake up and drink milk so as to produce milk for the baby. They always blame for not eating , says I don't feed properly rtc. They are over caring for the baby and consider me as a milk producing machine for the baby. I fee like running away from this cage.

my bf constantly yells at me

I'm currently in a difficult situation with my partner. We're unable to have calm discussions, and when I try to stand up for myself, he responds by berating, cursing, and yelling at me. Even when he apologizes, I find myself apologizing as well, and I've expressed that I can't handle the way he speaks to me when he's angry. Unfortunately, he blames me for pushing him to that point and threatens to leave. To make matters worse, I'm pregnant with our baby, and he's started smoking again due to my hyperemesis, which has caused me to be hospitalized.

He says hurtful things to me, like telling me to "fuck off" and mocking me for not handling my hyperemesis well. He interrupts me and accuses me of always having a rebuttal, but even when I don't say anything, he still gets angry and threatens to leave. It feels like a never-ending cycle of torture, and I don't have anywhere to go since I haven't been working since getting sick.

I don't want to go through pregnancy and raising a baby alone. I just want my partner to see me in a better light. I'm hurting so badly, but he doesn't seem to care. He accuses me of being condescending and always needing to be right, but I don't feel that way at all. I'm just crying and begging him to stop yelling at me, but it seems like he doesn't understand how much his words and actions are hurting me.

I don't have the will to live anymore

I gave birth to my daughter six months ago, and since then, things have not been very pleasant. Initially, it was my personal life that felt chaotic. It became clear that my in-laws had wanted a boy, and they were deeply disappointed when I gave birth to a girl. They did not offer any support during the first three months. It was my mother and husband who helped me take care of my child. My mom stayed with us for a month, but my in-laws were distant toward her and never truly considered her part of the family. Seeing my parents being subtly disrespected hurt me deeply.

Three months after my daughter's birth, my sister-in-law also had a baby girl. Unlike with my daughter, my in-laws were excited about her arrival. I tried to reason that this was because she had complications during her pregnancy, and they were just relieved that everything went well. But that still doesn’t justify the fact that my daughter had to go through a tough first three months due to someone else's preferences. She didn’t get to celebrate any of her milestones because of the negativity and unhappy environment.

Now that my maternity leave has ended, I returned to work excited to reconnect with my team. I was a team lead, managing three teams before I went on leave. But when I came back, management told me that the team was doing well in my absence and that they wanted to reassign me to another project. It was painful to hear. I had built that team from the ground up, and now, I was being sidelined. The new project they want me to take on doesn’t even exist yet, which makes me fear for my job security. I also don’t know if I will be leading a team or working under someone else. I have been a lead for so long that the idea of reporting to someone again is unsettling. My professional life feels like a mess, and I don’t know if I can handle this new role. I feel like I’m hanging by a thread, unsure of what to do next.

I wanted to go to my mother’s place so she could help take care of my daughter while I focus on work, but my in-laws are against it. Managing both work and my baby has become overwhelming. I feel lost and exhausted. I constantly feel like crying, and at times, I have even lost the will to live. I often think about ending everything just to find some peace. I don’t know where my life is headed, and my future feels bleak. I don't like feeling this way. I just want to be happy.

pregnancy and postpartum depression

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