My baby is 4 months old, and I think I’m going crazy. All my life I’ve waited for these moments when I’d be holding her in my hands. And now that my dearest dream has come true, I can’t feel joy. I’m angry and sad. I don’t think it’s how it should be? I worry all the time that I’m doing something wrong. It’s my first child, and I have no one to help. My partner is home only on weekends. My days are all the same, and nights are the worst, I can’t sleep for nights in a row until I’m so exhausted I drop dead and am woken up by my daughter’s screams. I’m mad at my partner, and I feel so bad about it... He almost stopped talking to me. I know I’m being mean and unfair, he’s working hard to support us all. But I can’t control it. A few words he says may make me cry. I’ve never cried so much in my life! It’s as if I’m always on edge, ready to burst. I push myself to get through the day, but it’s getting harder. Why? Shouldn’t it get better? I’m praying that next month it’ll be a bit easier, my partner’s parents will arrive for the holidays to help. But at the same time, I’m scared as hell that my future mother-in-law will judge me. My house’s a mess, I have no time to keep everything in order. I’ve gained weight. I hope my partner won’t show his irritation when his parents are here. I’ve googled about postpartum depression, and I think all the signs are there. But I can’t have meds prescribed, I’m still breastfeeding. Am I even allowed to feel that way?

I gave birth to a baby girl 2 weeks back. I have never been happy since. I feel guilty saying this but I wish I could go back to the phase when she was inside me. I miss the pregnancy phase.

When I was pregnant I had a very strong intuition that I will be having a baby boy. I think I am still not able to come to terms with reality. It's not that I am differentiating between a boy and a girl. I just wished for my first baby to be a boy and the reality of the same not happening is eating me up.

Every morning I wake up it's like a burden for me. I don't feel like doing anything. I love my baby but I am unable to love her completely. I am scared that I will scar her for life if this continues.

When I think of planning a second baby I am scared the same thing will happen again. I am very depressed and cry without any reason. I have lost all interest in life. I don't know how I will continue living like this. I can't share this with my husband because I don't want to bother him. He is a lovely person and I don't want to trouble him in any manner. But I am completely helpless now.

I read a post on this site about a guy having a lot of girls...oooh! how I want to warn him with my situation...and at the same time ask for advice..... I like girls, and girls like me) and it's a pity to "miss my chance". All the more so because girls "go into my arms". I don't do much and do not do anything...everyone gets acquainted and invites me to visit...And I started to "recruit" my circle of girls...like the guy in the post below (Hi, fellow misfortune). At first I was just excited...I could go to different girls' houses on different days...awesome!!!! At first I was just excited...I could go on different days, go visit different girls...awesome!!!! Then I added more girls to my list... I wanted them to be all different types, ages. I lied to everyone. Shamelessly. After that, I had to make a calendar of visits, because the girls started to take offense that I wasn't around much. It was no longer a pleasure, but a "must".There were over 10 in total and I decided to make several groups : for frequent and non-private communication. Things got better. By this point I realized how hard it is with people when there are a lot of them! Girls were also writing a lot, and I didn't have time to answer them. And they took offense. So I spent a week on correspondence. Then I felt like a "copywriter" and gave it up. As a successful manager who had already bragged to everyone that there were "tons of girls", I couldn't "give up my position". I made an agreement with my sister (who is also a girl) to answer to "my brigade" while I was busy. I promised my sister chocolate and the rest of the joys of food. The first week everything was great!!! sister coped...But there were minuses - I did not know the nuances of correspondence (no time to read it was) and hard piercing...girls began to think that I have a bad memory...began to write more often...sister asked for more "payment". And here also gifts should be given at least sometimes to girls...and went to my expenses. Then came more problems - girls started to get used to me and started to miss me and want to see me more often. Some of them thought that I was their property and demanded an account of where I was and with whom. I decided to "fire" them. But that was not the case. One of them started following me around. That's when my "failures" started. Somehow, the "fired girl" guessed that there was another one ("ha-ha just one," I thought). Then I didn't realize how it came out, but within a month that girl had "outed" almost my entire women's brigade. They formed a group and started to become "friends", discussing when and with whom I was with, as well as what and to whom I lied. I didn't know and behaved as usual. At that stage, the girls were "competing" to see who I would choose. Then they argued and chaos ensued...I experienced it very painfully. every "throwing tantrums" and being jealous and stalking me. It was impossible to give them up. I "sold" a few of them to my buddies. Tired and depressed, I had a fight with my sister and she joined their "camp". I am ashamed to write about my defeat. But I stayed with one girl, who did not fight with anyone, wrote to me rarely, and was carried away by her career. I'm so devastated, I'm ashamed, and I don't know what I've been doing wrong, where I've been leading women wrong.....

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В последний год мне очень плохо. У меня есть всё, о чём многим и не снилось, но я не могу наслаждаться жизнью. То есть мне без разницы хорошо всё или плохо, эти два состояния у меня смешались в одно бесконечное серое пятно. Я уже много лет себя не режу, примерно с 16 лет. Сейчас мне 22. Но я зависима как бы от случайного селфхарма, не экстримального.. только теперь мне нравится причинять себе боль и физически и морально. Могу вырывать волосы, стоять под обжигающе горячим душем, а потом расчёсывать кожу на груди до красных полос. Почему-то всегда хочется реветь и жалеть себя, буквально упиваться жалостью к себе. Мне неприятно обо всём этом писать потому что в принципе я не вижу в этом проблемы, но знаю, что другие увидят. Думаю, моё тело испытывает позывы к боли, потому что ему плохо, и оно таким образом пытается привлечь моё внимание к себе. Может такое быть? А когда я заменяю эту боль на моральную, тело начинает зудеть и как бы тянет меня сделать что-нибудь с ним. Если я ничего не делаю в ответ, ощущение как будто взорвусь. Каждый орган ноет как мышцы после зарядки и я чётко знаю, что это не просто нормальная телесная реакция.

Мне кажется, я не считаю себя достойной жизни, достойной чего-то хорошего.. намеренно лишаю себя сна, могу не есть целыми днями или сидеть на одном растворимом кофе. Я не понимаю себя, не понимаю своих желаний... Меня как в омут затягивает в разрушительные мысли, ненависть к себе и как продолжение ненависть ко всем вокруг. Я пыталась бороться. Но я это не контролирую. Знаю, мне сейчас напишут про друзей, что надо окружить себя любящими людьми и чем-то заняться… Всё это у меня есть, только мне оно не нужно. Я завистливый человек. Я смотрю на друзей, и мне становится тошно от себя, они во всём меня превосходят, даже если имеют меньше меня. Все достигают каких-то успехов, у них есть желания, мечты, они радуются какой-то ерунде… на их фоне я чувствую себя абсолютным ничтожеством. Я ничего не могу, но главное ничего не хочу делать, чтобы это изменить. Чего хочу от этой темы? Наверное, просто выговориться...