Please I need your opinion. Never thought I would find myself in this situation. It started with my obsessive-compulsive disorder, constant intrusive thoughts and the need for control and order. But right before the new year, after a regular night of smoking weed with some friends, everything spiraled out of hand. I had a psychotic break, and now I'm being told that I might be developing schizophrenia.
The diagnosis terrifies me. I've always been aware of my OCD, but the idea of losing touch with reality is a whole other level of fear. I don't trust this new diagnosis, but the thought of it lingers in the back of my mind. I was prescribed two antipsychotics, not taking them for now...
A short description of how it felt, because I still think this could be drug induced. During my psychotic break, I was trapped in an altered reality that I didn't even realize was happening. Was like living in a distorted dream, where nothing made sense and everything felt threatening. I remember feeling like the world was closing in on me, and I couldn't escape. I became convinced that people outside on the street were watching me, plotting against me and my friends. The walls seemed to whisper secrets, and I couldn't shake the feeling that going outside was a threat to my life. Time lost all meaning, and I felt like I was stuck in an endless loop of running from the people outside. The lines between where I were and where those people were sort of blurred together, leaving me disoriented. I later found myself on the street with my hand bleeding, I’d broken my friend’s window throwing an empty bottle right through it. I’m lucky that no passersby or cars were harmed at such a late hour… We have cameras everywhere, I’d be in trouble. The worst part was that I didn't even realize how far gone I was. In my altered reality, everything seemed perfectly logical and connected. It wasn't until I came back to myself that I realized how distorted my thoughts had been. Doesn’t the fact that I realized it afterwards and didn’t deny anything prove that my mind came back to normal?
All people smoking weed sometimes have these visions and hear voices, right? I got stoned many times before, and it was usually like some funny mental puzzle, but never so vivid and distorted.
Now, faced with the possibility of developing schizophrenia (which I still don’t want to believe!), I can't help but wonder if that altered reality is waiting for me again. The fear of losing myself to a world of delusions and hallucinations drives me nuts. I cling to the hope that it was just a one-time episode.
Fuck, I wish I could go back to the days when my biggest struggle was managing my OCD. Now, this schizo specter hangs over me, and it’s just too much!
