It sometimes happens when you’ve spent a lot of time in a very emotional relationship. You know that you haven’t done anything bad by leaving, yet it’s hard to disconnect yourself because of all the emotional baggage. Now that the triggers that made you angry are gone, your brain wants you to accept the behavior of your partner as some kind of love or care for you. It’s a feeling, but you should hold on to your facts. You say that you were miserable, that your needs were not met. Imagine going through it once again. You don’t want to be with someone who sounds like a control freak and an emotional manipulator. Trust me, you will get over it, just don’t contact your ex-partner at any circumstances.
Those friends who helped you get away were very wise! You blame yourself because you were made to believe that it’s your responsibility to take care of another grown-up person. You need to remind yourself that it is not your duty to save anyone’s life. You don’t want to be in codependent relationships. I think that counselling can help a lot to overcome trauma bonding or any other spectrum of feelings that keep holding you back. It’s very hard on your own, talking it through with another person will help you understand why you’ve developed such responses. It’ll be easier for you to see how things are in reality when someone is guiding you.
Your brain and heart are fighting against each other. I know it’s confusing. Sometimes we tend to get drawn to people who obsess over us in all the wrong ways. Because we’ve never been in similar relationships, it’s easy to take control for affection. But it’s unhealthy affection that doesn’t do you any good. You should try finding your way back to you, and love yourself, to understand that you didn’t deserve the treatment you got. You need to accept that choosing to break up was the right decision for you, and your next step is to move on and enjoy all the things that you lacked when you were in the prison of previous relationships.
How long ago did it happen? You wrote “months ago”, so I assume it’s less than a year? There is this stage, which usually happens a short time after parting with a long-time partner, when we tend to remember the past and idealize it in retrospect. All the things that freaked us out seem less awful, and all the pleasant memories are magnified. However, you parted for a reason, and you knew at the time that it wasn’t working out for you. So you need to distract yourself from dwelling about the past long enough to let it go.
You should treat it like any addiction – by totally disallowing any contact and constantly reminding yourself about all the damage that was done to you. Write it out on a piece of paper, if it’s easier for you to get proper motivation like that. You are making excuses for her behaviors no matter how many times you got hurt. This is not what you really want, you want to live in the moment and start a better, more satisfying relationship. You can do it!
I’ve been there. It’s a cycle that’s hard to break, but it’s possible. Stop second guessing about whether you were the problem and what you could have done differently. Stop clinging to the good moments. Your memories stem from the fear of being alone, and unable to meet someone better. They will all be gone once you find yourself in a happy period of life. You’ll look back and won’t believe it has happened to you.
This is called trauma bonding! You should seek therapy, EMDR treatment method in particular. Thinking that everything was your fault, fixating on the good memories and totally ignoring why you’d left in the first place – it’s all part of your emotional trauma. It’s common, and you can overcome it with proper professional help.
I’m not that experienced in such questions, so these are just my thoughts… When you go down along the memory lane, try to examine those memories. Was it really what you wanted? Like, when your girlfriend said she loved you and then quarrelled with you about all your personal communications, was it the love you desired? And when she said you were cruel, think what exactly you said and did; wasn’t she just manipulating your feelings? Try to see it for how it was. I believe you can do it, because you recognize the trauma and you’re willing to work with it, and that’s always a good start.
You know that your union didn’t feel like a union of two adults, and you were required to have other roles instead. Now you need to hold this against your partner every time your sweet memories try to change your perspective. Healing is a long process, and intrusive thoughts will follow you for a while, but you can’t let them get the best of you.
Your emotions are betraying you now, but once you get through it, you’ll be whole again. You won’t need to care about anyone but yourself. This is an opportunity to become more resilient and mature, it won’t break you! Take your time and don't judge yourself for it. Talk to family and friends, and try to spend as little time on your own as possible. It will last a few more months, and then it gets better.
Breaking up with partner is emotionally confusing experience. it is normal to feel range of emotions like hope, guilt.
write down your feeling which will help you validate your emotions.
you can ask yourself questions like:
you did not like about her and the relationship. try measuring does pro outweigh the con or vice versa.
Answering these questions will help you process the events of break up as healthily as possible.
Do not decide anything hastily. think through all the questions and answer honestly before making the decision. Last thing you want to do is turn into a person who cant make decisions and make up their mind.
Hello,
It seems like you have been through a lot in your last relationship.
Relationships often involve a lot of complex and conflicting emotions and it's normal to find yourself thinking about good memories and miss your ex-partner, even if the connection was unhealthy. These memories and thoughts can trigger feelings of doubt and guilt.
However it's important to remind yourself about the reasons you decided to leave the relationship. It seems to me it was a courageous decision. You can ask yourself:
"What would my life be like in a year, if i still stayed in the relationship?"
"Did I stay in this relationship because it was good for me or was I just attached to her?"
When you feel guilt about the way you left the relationship, consider how you would view a friend or a loved one if they were in a similar situation. Ask yourself if you would blame them. You said that this relationship lasted four years, so i can assume you already did what you could to make it work.
Remember that letting go will take some time. Allow yourself to process the break-up. If you feel like there are any bottled-up emotions, find ways to express them.
For example: put an empty seat in front of you and imagine your ex-partner there. Tell her everything that is on your mind, think about what made you angry or sad about the relationship. Don't hold back - you can yell or cry if you need to.
You can also do it through journaling or even writing a letter to the ex-partner. Let everything out, write what you couldn't say but never actually send the letter. You can destroy it afterwards, if you want to.
Try expressing your emotions through your body by exercising, dancing etc. Talk to your friends or family about how you feel.
When you think that you are ready to let go, there are some tactics that can make it easier for you:
1. Write down the things you liked and didn't like about your past relationship but think of them as something to look out for or avoid when you are ready for another relationship. Think about it as something you learned about yourself and what is important for you.
2. When having memories about your ex or thinking about going back to her, ask yourself if these thoughts improve your life or hold you back. If you realize that they hold you back, don't fight them, but don't feed them either. When you notice them, accept them as something natural that comes after a break-up and tell yourself that they will be gone eventually. Imagine that these thoughts are like a train that passes you by, they just come and go.
After imagining it pass you by, try to ground yourself - focus on what you were doing. For example, if you were eating, really focus on how the food tastes in your mouth, how it smells and try enjoying it. If you talk to someone, really listen and focus on what they are saying, try to engage in the conversation and ask follow-up questions. All of it might be hard at first, but the more you redirect your attention, the easier it gets.
3. Rediscover yourself. When we are in an unhealthy relationship, it's easy to lose parts of ourselves or forget what's important to us. Take your time to think about what you enjoy. For example, ask yourself, if there are any activities that you like but haven't done in a while, or if you want to try something new. Do these things together with your friends or family. Listen to music that you enjoy and that makes you feel like you. Think about how you see your ideal life in a couple of years, and if there are any goals or dreams you want to achieve.
Give it time, be patient and eventually you will notice that the thoughts and memories about your ex-partner will start to fade away.