Hey, your post made me sad and angry. I remembered my own sworn enemy at school. It was one boy who decided to kick me out of school. He’d report me to the teachers for made up reasons. At one time he screeched his own name on the blackboard with the word “asshole”. Since everyone knew about our fights, the teachers naturally thought I had done it. Thankfully, one teacher mentioned they could look at the camera footage, and that boy chickened out and confessed. His parents had to buy a new blackboard.

I took up martial arts in high school. Not because of that little fool. Though, in hindside, I needed to boost my self-esteem back then, so perhaps partially I should thank him for it. Boxing is great! I’m doing boxing and Aikido, and I can tell you it doesn’t matter how big or strong you look. Skill comes with time. Don’t lose that opportunity, go for it! You’ll find both the new you and some friends for life through sport!

I’m sorry your school affected you so deeply. I went through a difficult period with my college friends, especially one friend who was very toxic. I’m much happier now that I’ve removed that person from my life, but the resentment towards how unfairly I was treated is still present. It’s up to us to heal ourselves. Now it’s no more about them. We are better people, because we never treated others in a harmful way, and in that sense we’ll always be superior to them. Forgive yourself for not doing what you think you should’ve done. You were different then, and now you’re older and more experienced. You can take care of yourself, and you’re better at choosing friends. We both deserve better friends, and we shouldn’t push people away because of unfortunate past experiences. I know it’s not easy to open up, so start small. Give your roommates a chance to see what a great person you are! I’m sure next year you’ll be surrounded by new reliable friends!

You should be proud that you didn’t stoop to the level of those girls! Your story is common, teenagers are brutal in high school. You need to acknowledge your bitter feelings about the past and understand why you’re feeling that way. If you’re ashamed of something, you need to forgive yourself. If your emotions are fueled by anger, you should try to forgive your bullies. Anger is harmful, more for ourselves than for those we feel it toward. Don’t be skeptical of new friendships. It’s up to you what impression you’ll make on your new acquaintances. Don’t try too hard. You’ll be valued for who you are, and you don’t need those who want to be friend only with “cool kids”. You want genuine friendships.

@Nakashima Thanks for your comment. I’m glad sometimes justice prevails and that boy from your school was humiliated. I wish I got the same satisfaction. I’ll probably give boxing another go next year. I need to prove at least to myself that I can achieve something more than good grades. I love my family, but sometimes I think my virtuous upbringing is a disadvantage. Being strong is useful, it makes people less likely to mess with you.

@Ruby lj Yeah, I know it’s no use obsessing over my past, but it’s easier said than done. Every time I have flashbacks from those times, it triggers my anger and pain. And it happens a lot these days, because I have practically no one to talk to. I hope some day I’ll barely think about them… I have a lot of passions, like writing and playing the guitar, but I don’t think they’ll help me surround myself with new friends.

You need to find your people. Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. Self-esteem is built through rejection, when you learn to look past it and not take these things too close to heart. It’s a cliché to say this, but for change to really occur, you will need to step out of your comfort zone. Learn a new sport, find a new hobby. When you overcome your social anxiety and approach people around you, you will see that not everyone is as awful as those girls. You might also consider therapy, to make you more comfortable with your memories of the past.

@nobody04 I assure you, your hobbies and passions may connect you to the like-minded people like nothing else! I bet there’re writing or reading clubs at your university what you can join. And your guitar proficiency may come in useful at some creative evenings. I understand how negative social experiences may cause you to act anti-social. You can’t let that negative baggage deprive you of happiness and fulfillment. There are people who love to do what you do and would be glad to be your friends (if you let them). Merry Xmas, and good luck in the new year! 🥂

I know where you are coming from. I wasn’t popular at school. Being a nerdy type, I attracted only one friend who was like me. Trust me when I tell you that your thoughts that you have nothing to offer come from a sense of insecurity. And the most efficient strategy to break this cycle is to take risks and do things you’ve never done before. You can do volunteer work at uni, they always have things to do :) It’s a good way to team up with other students. And by helping someone else your self-worth will increase!

@Ruby lj I’ve actually checked, and we have no writing clubs… There is a book club. I think it’s the same as “reading club”. AFAIK, they’re meeting virtually to discuss books. That may be something I can do, if I’ll have the courage. Thanks, and happy holidays to you too!

@Veena Choudhary You're right, I need a closure. I need to see those girls suffer. Especially Alyssa. She was their leader, and she was the dumbest. Her parents transferred her to another school one year before graduation (because of her poor grades). I tried to find her on facebook, just to get the satisfaction of knowing she flunked her last year or something like that, but couldn't find out anything. If only we could turn back time and act differently... I often dream about it.