Сhaotic storm of my mind

Hello, hi, it’s me.

The waves of suicidal thoughts crash against my consciousness again. I’ve written about it sooo many times.. whoever said writing helps is fooling the world! Write or no write it's just there.. My recurring suicidal thoughts appear every now and then I’d say out of nowhere. It never seems any easier to come to terms with them and watch them pass. I’ve never gotten to the stage of actually making any real plans but the thought becomes ever more appealing each time these waves happen. I know the only remedy is to find the strength IRL, some meaningful stuff etcetera… To me it seems as time passes that I find only the opposite, that life is not worthwhile. It's as if a relentless tide is pulling me deeper and deeper into the abyss of despair.

Mind you, I’m not whining. I’ve been reading a lot about Stoicism and kind of think I’m an adept. In the past I used drastic measures to cope with my waves of depression… That’s forbidden topic. I’m over it anyways. However, life does not improve despite all my humble attempts to become someone significant, someone who overcame the all-consuming thoughts of living a life that doesn’t matter.

I remember a dream… please don’t laugh even though I find it queer myself… I had this dream a long time ago when I had my first depressive episodes... where my depression took the form of a massive, menacing giant squid living in the depths of a dark lake. Its tentacles wrapped around me suffocating me with their icy grip, dragging me down into the cold depths of water. I tend to believe my subconscious, so I thought for a long time what my mind is trying to tell me. And I think the only way to get rid of this monster is to let all water run dry. I can not fight it, it’s too strong. That dream feels all too real now. I wish I could find a way to banish this giant squid from my mind. What do the people here advise? (except meds, I don’t take those…)