there's no end to the agony

I met another girl...sound sad and desperate? Yes, and it's sad that I feel almost nothing for girls...It's always been that way. I've tried to be obedient since I was a kid, and I was. Sex is something shameful and dirty. It was never discussed in our family. I thought I was nothing because girls didn't like me. Then I didn't try to get them to like me. I didn't have any girls in my high school years. I lied to my friends that I was doing well. I dated a girl at university - we went to sports together. That's all, there was no close relationship, I felt nothing for her. I berated myself for this... It's not normal... and forced myself to get acquainted with girls. I didn't have feelings for her. And then I fell in love with a guy. It was a very strong feeling that split me. I hated myself for it, and I avoided the object of my affection. I started to avoid a lot of things.... I didn't want everyone to realize that I was "different". The guys at the university can't figure it out. Otherwise they'll refuse to socialize with me, I've seen it before. The confrontation with myself and the attraction to guys lasted a long time. I forcibly watched female porn and forced myself to "like" women. Now I force myself to date girls. There are no feelings yet...but I believe that I will overcome in myself this desire for men, as I believe that it is not normal.... torment there is no limit....