I have a penpal friend from another country. We’ve been corresponding for about five years. He’s a single male, older than me, and has never been in a serious relationship. I very much enjoy our talks, we exchanged parcels by snail mail several times. I’m single too, and I’ve hinted many times that what we have online can become something more. He always said he wasn’t ready for online dating, that he didn’t believe long-distance relationships could work. But I’m very attached to him, we’re telling each other everything that happens in everyday life, all our sorrows and small moments.

As a “friend” I always told him to go out more often and look for his “offline girl”. I was sincerely trying to encourage him, for at times he sounds very depressed and lonely. But I was also teasing, for I had expected for a long time now that I liked him.

Now he suddenly tells me that he has started a relationship. I feel conflicted and a little bit betrayed. As a friend, I wish him well. And I think I’d like to keep in touch, he makes me smile, I feel that five years is a long time to just throw everything away. But I also can’t imagine myself reading about his new friend and feeling happy for them while I’m single. If not for the distance, I’d ask him to meet and tell him all that’s in my heart. I don’t want to do it via email or a video call. It would be very awkward.

What should I do?

Having ADHD is so weird and agonizing!! I was diagnosed four weeks ago, and it validated most of my life’s failures. I can’t understand people, I hear them speak, but I can’t grasp complex information, at uni I have to make audio recordings of all lectures so that I can listen to them at home. I’m also really bad with numbers. I can’t do math in my head, and I could never keep up with my peers, who grasp it all so easily. It is called dyscalculia? Or something like that.. I don’t know how I finished school, it was a miracle.. I was the one with “learning issues” in sciences, thank heavens, my English and literature were above average. Even when I’m studying the subjects I like, I can’t focus for more than twenty minutes. It makes me fidgety and nervous, I feel unhealthy, as if my battery is always low. My memory sucks, and I’m not making much progress this year. No matter how much I try to study, I end up scrolling reels or playing games on the phone. I’m so privileged to be where I am, and yet doomed to be the one who fails. I’ll always be crawling to my goals like an inadequate dumbass...

Now that the final exams are looming, I’m so depressed I want just to drop out! I told my dad yesterday, and I thought he’d give me a slap. He’d probably do it if we were alone… My new doctor said we’d try the new type of medication aka stimulants. No idea what it is, I just pray they won’t screw up my brains even more. All the nootropics I’ve been prescribed at school were a total fiasco! I don’t mind taking meds, if they help me stop being a mess. Is it even possible to be an adult with an ADHD diagnosis? I want to study like everyone else, I need my degree. This is so unfair!

So tired of waking up in the morning to the same dreary reality of my existence.

I hate my job, period. Working is a modern form of slavery. Every day I sit in my office and do stuff that benefits no one, not even me, but the stakeholders. My job is bullshit that makes no difference for our society. I create digital services that are sold to people who have more money than 90% of the world.

I’ve earned my house and my vacations. Sacrificed a decade of my life to go up the corporate ladder. I worked in a toxic environment, it cost me my health and my sanity. At forty-six I’m depressed, struggling with generalized anxiety disorder, and have no desire to live. In this economy, I’ll have to work my entire life. Thank you, capitalism, the almighty savior! The rich get richer, and nothing is done to change this. My wife grieves that we had no kids. But I’m not going to bring another poor soul into this doomed reality. I don't even have time for the things I want to do. I’ll always be just a cog in the corporate machine. To hell with this crap! I want out.

My OCD is crippling and, as my psychologist said, it prevents me from living a full life. It has been with me for many years, while I haven’t even realized. I thought it was just general anxiety and overthinking. I’m afraid my brain is stuck in this loop forever, since it’s been like that for too long. I’ve read that, if untreated, some mental illnesses cause real changes in parts of the brain that will never be back to normal again. When I asked my psychologist about it, she shrugged it off, and now I’m worried she either didn’t want to scare me or she doesn’t know, LOL.

She tells me to make a goal, the destination we should come to. I don’t really know. I want to feel normal again, and I hate going to therapy, but some parts of my OCD are sort of parts of me now? Like, I have “safe” numbers (3, 5, 7..) and I avoid all the others. Which makes me re-check if my door is locked three times in a row, just because only three times does the trick. Yes, it’s silly, but it doesn’t hurt anyone? I can’t honestly say it makes me unhappy.

On the other hand, I hate constant worries about things that aren’t even possible, and I dream to get rid of those! I obsess over the smallest details until I’m completely out of energy. Having intrusive thoughts about bad stuff that happened years ago is dumb and emotionally draining. I almost feel I’d be OK with even all these things, if only I could get rid of the stress and constant anxiety they cost me.

I know some people say therapy helps them a bit with OCD, but it can’t be fully cured. I also believe that certain medications help, but I’m afraid of the side effects. Is it actually possible to recover your old self? I think I just need a little reassurance or happy stories, IDK...