Honestly? I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from the constant, uninvited intrusion into my personal space. I don't understand the point of catcalling. Never did. Some mornings when I’m just out for a walk, it's the same scenario. A car passes by and I hear a whistle or a comment. Or some dude will comment on something about my body or my make up (if I wear a look that day). It's not flattering, it's not funny, it's just plain triggering at this point.
I work as a barista and I love my job so much. What I don't love is the walk home in the evening. It's as if I am on display, and every passerby feels entitled to comment on my appearance.
I remember one particular incident that still makes my skin crawl. I was walking home late one evening, my headphones in, trying to walk as a fast as possible. A man leaned out of his car window and shouted something that I could barely make out over the music. I ignored it, as I usually do, but he shouted again, louder this time. I felt a cold shiver run down my spine. I felt threatened, and all I wanted to do was get home safely. Thank god I did and nothing bad happened.
People say it's a compliment, but it's not. It's an assertion of power, a way to make me feel small and vulnerable. In my own neighborhood, I should feel safe, but these unsolicited comments make me feel anything but that.
I've tried different strategies to cope with it. I've worn headphones to drown out the noise, I've changed my route home, I've even tried confronting the catcallers, but nothing seems to work.
I wish people understood that I am not an object to be commented on. I'm a person, with feelings and a right to move through the world undisturbed. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I know one thing for sure: I'm tired of catcalling and I will never get it.
My sister dealt with a narcissistic ex, and watching her struggle through that relationship changed my entire perspective on things. While I haven't experienced it firsthand, seeing her go though all of this made me realize how damaging it can be when people try to excuse abusive behavior under the guise of mental health struggles. The way some people rush to defend narcissists while completely ignoring the lasting impact on their victims is honestly concerning, and I'm surprised that people do that! They're more interested in appearing understanding than actually supporting those who've been hurt
@Callie I'm so sorry your sister had to go through that! I hope she's healed and happy now. I've been there firsthand and it's absolutely wild. I'm not 100% sure if my ex was actually a narcissist (though I definitely diagnosed him to all my friends and family lmao), but I've never met such a manipulative individual that additionally to being super controlling of what I do and wear, was cheating on me 🤩 truly one of a kind
Looking back now, I can laugh about some of the absolutely ridiculous situations, but at the time? Pure chaos
@Callie The audacity of these people is truly astronomical 💀 What's even funnier after we broke up, I found out he'd been telling everyone that I was the freak one in the relationship. THANK GOD I outgrew this bullshit, but yeah...
@Jimmy J. Oh my god! I am hoping you're okay now and I love that you're using humor to cope because same. Sometimes you have to laugh at the absurdity of it all or you'll just cry forever, right? The manipulation and control are terrifying. My sister wasn't allowed to wear certain colors because they were "too attention-seeking" like??? Sir, it's a pinky sweater, calm down. The cheating part though, that's just a whole other level of awful, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that on top of everything else
@Callie When I tell you there are SO many people who are more concerned with appearing good rather than ACTUALLY being good, believe me. It’s the reason I don’t argue with anyone, because practicing radical acceptance aside, there’s ALWAYS going to be someone agreeing with the most abhorrent behaviour regardless of if it’s blatantly wrong or not.
If a person chooses to forgive and forget, reconnect and kick it with a narcissist they know then that’s them, but it won’t be me. Absolutely the fuck not.
I think the whole "everyone deserves empathy" narrative needs serious reconsideration when it comes to people who deliberately cause harm to others
@fvance.10 I wish I could pin this comment, I fear this generation progressively becoming counterproductive in its pursuit to be understandable and accepting. There’s mistakes and then there’s choices. Stepping on someone’s foot in a crowded space is a mistake, seeing someone unaccompanied at the bar and deciding to drug and assault them isn’t. That was malicious intent in action and that’s how I perceive it with narcissists.
They’re not these helpless victims, they know what they’re doing. They just don’t care because they know there’s ALWAYS going to be someone enabling and justifying their behaviour because of “trauma.” It’s frightening.
@Mitchel You're so right. The dangerous part is how this "universal empathy" mindset actually enables further abuse by creating a social environment where calling out harmful behavior is seen as somehow wrong or politically incorrect. The manipulation tactics used by narcissists are specifically designed to exploit this kind of societal pressure for forgiveness and understanding. They count on people feeling guilty for maintaining healthy boundaries. They weaponize mental health concepts to avoid real accountability
The way people try to excuse any bad behavior with mental health makes me so angry. Having mental health issues absolutely doesn't give anyone a free pass to hurt others. I've dealt with my own mental health struggles, and never once did I think it was okay to manipulate or abuse people because of it. People forget that being hurt doesn't give you permission to hurt others
Something else that really bugs me is how these people always play the victim when they get called out. They'll cry and make promises to change, but it's just another manipulation tactic. I've seen it happen so many times. They know exactly what they're doing, and they're really good at making other people feel sorry for them. And let's talk about how they always have excuses for their behavior. It's always someone else's fault, or they had a bad childhood, shitty week or smthng else. But like you said, lots of people have trauma and don't go around hurting others. Having a rough past isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card for treating people like garbage
I've noticed something else too, narcissists always seem to target kind and empathetic people. They look for people who will give them chances and try to understand them. Then they use that kindness against them. It's like they see goodness in others as a weakness they can exploit. I think more people need to speak up about this. We need to stop making excuses for abusers and start supporting survivors instead. It's okay to say "I don't forgive you" and it's okay to keep toxic people out of our lives, no matter what anyone else says
@mmassey1977.1 THIS! Narcissists target people who are kind or someone they perceive as vulnerable. They also cultivate networks of people who will enable and defend their behaviour no matter how blatantly vitriolic it might be.
Society continues to victim blame victims and survivors alike instead of holding narcissists and other perpetrators accountable because it’s easy to speak on a situation from a third person perspective.
@mmassey1977.1 oooh, very much this. The thing that really makes me mad is when people say "but they can't help it, it's their disorder." Yes, they CAN help it! They choose who to abuse. They don't act this way with their boss or with people they want to impress. They know exactly what they're doing and who they can get away with treating badly
I think it's crucial to maintain firm boundaries with these people, regardless of the underlying causes of their behavior. The pattern of abuse is too consistent to be accidental. The impact on victims is too severe to be dismissed. Society's tendency to rationalize actions of every single person under the umbrella of mental health does a massive disservice to both mental health advocacy and abuse survivors
Edit: from your post, I've gotten the idea that you went through this yourself and if that's the case, I really hope you were able to heal, and I hope you're doing well ❤️
@SereneSoul I wish I could pin your comment. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and because of it, I will never empathise them. I’m understanding of the condition and the trauma that creates narcissism, but that doesn’t change I genuinely despise them.
@Mitchel Very understandable and I'm sorry you had to go though that. The mental health discourse often devolves into toxic positivity that invalidates the experiences of survivors. Your stance on maintaining emotional boundaries is not only healthy but necessary, and I am happy you're protecting your peace. Empathy and understanding are finite resources, and you have every right to direct those resources toward you own healing
This is exactly what needs to be said more often. The way society coddles abusers while ignoring victims is absolutely disgusting
@katrinar The crazy part is you’re more likely to be attacked for refusing to coddle and excuse abusers, but myself personally, I’d rather be hated for not enabling abusers than to be a weirdo and protect them from accountability
@Mitchel sad, but true. At least it's easier that way to spot weirdos and stay away from them, but still sad nonetheless
Mental health awareness is great, but I don't think it should come at the expense of acknowledging the very real damage that narcissistic behavior causes. The psychological impact can last years, even decades. We need to be having more conversations about protecting vulnerable people from narcissists rather than trying to rationalize or excuse them. I think that the focus should be on prevention and supporting people who've gone though it, not making excuses for abusive behavior
The thing about narcissists that really gets to me is how they seem to always have a ready excuse for their actions. They'll hurt someone deeply, then turn around and make themselves the victim. I've seen this happen so many times, and every single time, there's always someone defending them, saying we need to "understand their perspective." But what about understanding the perspective of the people they hurt?
And you're so right about the forgiveness thing. Nobody owes anyone forgiveness, especially not to someone who hasn't shown real change or remorse. Just saying sorry doesn't magically fix the damage they've done. People pressured to forgive their abusers "for their own healing" is just wrong to me
The more you learn about narcissistic behavior, the more you see how calculated and intentional their actions often are. They're not acting out because they can't help it—they're making choices that hurt people, and they know exactly what they're doing
I've seen friends go through similar situations. The way people try to excuse toxic behavior because of mental health issues is veery problematic. The whole "forgive and forget" mentality needs to stop. It's like saying that forgiveness matters more than another person's healing
I agree with this so much!! The focus needs to shift back to protecting vulnerable people rather than endlessly trying to understand and rehabilitate those who consciously choose to harm others. It's about recognizing that some people actively resist change because their current behavior patterns benefit them. They don't want to change because exploitation works for them. That's not a mental health issue, that's a choice.
@butterfly YES! You articulated this perfectly and I wish I could pin your comment! People spend way too much time attempting to rehabilitate others and either fail to recognise or refuse to recognise that unfortunately, not everyone can be helped. It’s great to be kind and extend understanding and grace but there has to be balance.