If only I could turn back time and say no to that first joint, things would be different. My social life has taken a hit, it's hard for me to interact with people. I've noticed that people around me seem uneasy. I can't even find a job. The constant feeling of anxiety and tension in my stomach is overwhelming, especially when I'm around others. I just want to feel calm and normal and that people feel comfortable around me again.

I’m not choosing to struggle because of presumed hyper independence, I’m choosing to struggle because people will do things at their own pace which could inconvenience me. I’m not choosing to struggle because I think it’s a “flex”, I’m choosing to struggle because I hate people trying to throw things back in my face.

From the second I began making my own money and opened a saving’s account, I’ve done anything and everything I can to lessen the amount of help I have to ask if my birth giver because she’s a shitty person. While it’s become somewhat more tolerable thanks to therapy and support workshops, but sometimes I find myself briefly irritated when she tries to provoke a reaction out of me.

To the normal person with a healthy relationship with relatives, having a “loved one” offer you rides to work or to bring you food might sound sweet, but when your parent is an ableist, transphobic, racist, self-disparaging piece of shit, it’s different. People who pretend to care and extend aid only to throw it back in your face are the worst, and that’s the exact type of woman my conceiver is.

She screams and yells over trivial shit, purposefully provokes reactions out of me then gaslights me whenever I call her out. In the past when I was younger, most of altercations escalated to physical violence and my hospitalisations because she would beat me bloody and in retaliation I would attempt to kill her. But now as an adult with coping mechanisms, professional help and improving emotional regulation, I do my best to disregard her or practice self help tools in those moments.

I don’t want to struggle because I’ve struggled all my life, I want to find peace and stability. However living in an environment with one of your abusers and occasionally being forced to interact with their enablers, it’s exhausting. I want to go no contact at my earliest convenience so I can change all of my information and tell her as well as my other relatives to get fucked.

Hello world.

I feel a little uncomfortable writing this, but I was sitting in my room for hours dealing with crippling thoughts, so I’m trying to get some relief from writing my thoughts down. I’ve been battling with my mental monsters for years, with no significant results, until I lost hope in Western methods and turned to Asian medicines that are based on absolutely different assumptions about a human body and mind and the role of consciousness and energetic factors in healing... Last year I stayed at a Buddhist monastery for a month, and I’m still very grateful for the experience. But I had to return home, and I feel the therapeutic effect of my journey is somewhat beginning to waver. Buddhism has helped me accept my mental condition and my shortcomings. When I was with the monks, my sufferings lessened. I observed their simple lives devoid of extravagance and strong attachments. It was good. I felt less guilty of being an outcast, a friendless nomad, unsuccessful by Western standards... But even being in such a holy place, I caught myself doubting and clinging to some shreds of feelings, some needs to feel loved, not to feel alone. I tried to observe my emotions with no judgement instead of getting caught up in them. I think it worked for a while, until recently when I found myself surrounded by Western values again and my subconscious began to wish to fit in, as always, to be “a normie”… I know it’s a threat to my mental stability and I wish I could block my feelings of loneliness from the lack of emotional connections. I don’t want to cling to these connections, nor do I want to crawl in my shell again. I know that my goal is to learn to interact with people, with the world, without clinging and attachments. But it’s so, so hard in this corrupt environment where everything is driven by passion! Right now I’m feeling weak, as I crave companionship like I used to years ago. It’s so painful... I’ve been struggling with it every day for the past two weeks. I even thought of alcohol for a brief moment. Yes, I’m very weak now...

Not looking for any advice, I guess, except maybe from those who may have experienced the same…

Best wishes.

Why do straight men and women talk to trans and queer people like they have no home training or common sense? I understand being curious and/or not knowing much about the LGBTQ+ community and the influx of labels but that’s not an excuse to ask gross and invasive questions.

Some questions are okay to ask if asked appropriately, others shouldn’t be asked at all. Inquiring about pronouns is okay. Everyone has pronouns, cisgender and trans alike. If you’re asking with intent to respectfully address the person, that’s great! If you’re asking with intent to INVALIDATE and MISGENDER them then no, you’re terrible, that’s harassment, and you’re likely a queerphobe.

I think it goes without say that asking about their genitals is just as gross and fucking weird because why are you questioning a stranger about their reproductive parts? It’s literally none of your business and you wouldn’t like it if someone asked you something that made YOU uncomfortable. It’s about respect which a lot of straight people don’t seem to have for queer folk. Respect aside, it’s also about common sense.

Ignorance plays a part in this because not every straight person is maliciously asking invasive questions, they just don’t know any better. However backtracking, it should be common sense not to ask people things like, “Do you have a penis or a vagina?” just because someone labels themselves as “non-binary”, “queer” or “trans.”

This is why LGBTQ+ education is important. There’s nothing political about it, it’s just knowledge on a demographic of people who’ve been around since the BEGINNING of time. The ONLY people I’ve seen complain about queer people and the community are extreme right wingers who are more likely than not racist, Republican, Trump supporters and pro-lifers.

I wish LGBTQ studies were actually taught in schools. It wouldn’t have to be mandatory but optional for people who DO want to educate themselves on how to properly interact with the community.