Hello world.
I feel a little uncomfortable writing this, but I was sitting in my room for hours dealing with crippling thoughts, so I’m trying to get some relief from writing my thoughts down. I’ve been battling with my mental monsters for years, with no significant results, until I lost hope in Western methods and turned to Asian medicines that are based on absolutely different assumptions about a human body and mind and the role of consciousness and energetic factors in healing... Last year I stayed at a Buddhist monastery for a month, and I’m still very grateful for the experience. But I had to return home, and I feel the therapeutic effect of my journey is somewhat beginning to waver. Buddhism has helped me accept my mental condition and my shortcomings. When I was with the monks, my sufferings lessened. I observed their simple lives devoid of extravagance and strong attachments. It was good. I felt less guilty of being an outcast, a friendless nomad, unsuccessful by Western standards... But even being in such a holy place, I caught myself doubting and clinging to some shreds of feelings, some needs to feel loved, not to feel alone. I tried to observe my emotions with no judgement instead of getting caught up in them. I think it worked for a while, until recently when I found myself surrounded by Western values again and my subconscious began to wish to fit in, as always, to be “a normie”… I know it’s a threat to my mental stability and I wish I could block my feelings of loneliness from the lack of emotional connections. I don’t want to cling to these connections, nor do I want to crawl in my shell again. I know that my goal is to learn to interact with people, with the world, without clinging and attachments. But it’s so, so hard in this corrupt environment where everything is driven by passion! Right now I’m feeling weak, as I crave companionship like I used to years ago. It’s so painful... I’ve been struggling with it every day for the past two weeks. I even thought of alcohol for a brief moment. Yes, I’m very weak now...
Not looking for any advice, I guess, except maybe from those who may have experienced the same…
Best wishes.
