The heartbreaking thing about loving an avoidant as someone with a more secure attachment style is that you have to do it from afar to preserve your own mental and emotional wellbeing.

6 years ago when I had the avoidant attachment style myself, I unexpectedly entered a relationship with a childhood friend who’s now the ex best friend of my older relative. He was also my first crush. The funny thing about it is his little sister was MY best friend because SHE had a crush on MY sibling. His family was close to mine so frequently we hung out, in and out of school settings. Commonality aside, the four of us bonded because we were bullied for our interests.

In July of 2019, we started getting closer before I eventually, impulsively initiated a relationship. It didn’t last for a variety of reasons; we were both immature, I was avoidant, and overall didn’t have the appreciation for anything then like I do today. I’ve blocked and disassociated from him a few times but it wasn’t until summer 2022 we reconnected and he confessed having feelings and being in love with me. I was taken aback since in our younger years, he declined my advances and made it apparent he wasn’t attracted to me.

We had a long and deep conversation about it and cleared everything up. Come winter of 2022 we reconnected after a brief silence from both parties. This came about post me escaping an abusive relationship and taking legal action against my assailant. Having been in therapy and support workshops for approximately 4 months at the time, I’ve already transitioned into a more secure attachment style where I attempted to initiate another relationship but more INTENTIONALLY. Unfortunately, after experiencing a traumatising relationship himself, he became avoidant so the rekindling didn’t last.

There was radio silence between us from January 2023 until July 2023 where I messaged him. From July to September we’ve been on and off in contact until finally, he stopped replying. In the times we’ve held space it was spent playing games, checking in with one another, sharing artistic projects we’ve completed or are working on, being intimate and overall enjoying each other’s company.

In the times I visited, I would always gift him poems, love letters, protection charms, or mini care packages. Aside being avoidant, I know he suffers from extreme depression and anxiety so I would also check in when I could. From what I recall, he hasn’t opened any of the affirmation letters I gifted him but I know he keeps them in a treasure box of things that see important to him which means so much to me. Just before we lost contact I wanted to give him one final card but I haven’t heard from him since September 2023.

As a former avoidant I understand I’ve overwhelmed him and want to respect his need for space, but I also wish I had the opportunity to hear what he wanted to tell me after briefly informing me he finally took me up on seeking professional help. I have so much love and care for him and hope that he’s well, and I hope that he believed me when I said, “I don’t give up on people I love.” and that he’ll never successfully push me away. I respect myself enough to do better and not cling onto unhealthy connections, but being a former avoidant myself I’m aware of how they navigate.

A lot of people hate avoidants because of their attachment style and coping mechanisms, and I don’t fault them. It’s only easier for me to be compassionate because I’m more secure and was in that position myself. I want to reach out to him so bad but I’ll leave things as they are and will continue wishing him well from afar.

So first things, This will be really long. I am really sorry about that and will be really thankfull if someone know the answer to my problem.

My name is Aldi, you can call me smam or aldi. I am 21 years old and currently doing thesis at my bachelor degree and have full time job + side job + enterpreneurship or building business with other people. I am the youngest from my brothers and i have 3 brothers, my family is kinda poor so i need to work extra hard to fullfill me and my family needs.

From primary school, I'll always getting bullied. In primary school i am getting bullied because i am really bad at sport, cant socialize much, and didn't really want to do bad things. There's only some people bully me tho but the bullying comes with physical (punching, kicking, etc) and verbal type. But i still got a really good friend, i still remember how kind he is and one time he teach me how to punch properly too but i never have the courage to do that before. I always hoping that primary school year will be done, then come middle school years. In the middle school i got much bigger problem, i have even less friend and the bully comes in group now. I still remember that the bully group will always wait me after school to do stuff you know what will happen, day by day i either rush to go home quickly or go out with the teacher. I always saying thanks to the teacher and the teacher looks really confused. Some of the time i got ganged up too, got punched in the gut, it really hurts. My only peace time in middle school is when i got into academic competition, my school will teach me in different room when class time so i dont need to attend class and meet with the bully group. Thankfully i am really good at mathematic so about 1/4 to half of my middle school time is spent on the special class for special student to learn for the competition. But thinking back i think i joinned up the competition so i dont get bullyed, but yeah day by day is like hell when i am in normal class and really hoping for middle school years to pass. To this year i still remember the name of the one who bully me, sometimes i search the leader who bully me, or the one who bully me. Most of the time i dont find their profile in internet, some ignore my chat, few people just said its in the past and it doesn't matter. It really hurts and haunt me sometime, to add some salt in the wound. I have friend in the middle school, but they betrayed me because they are afraid to get bullied to if they are become my friend. In high school, the difficulty seems to be lowered in a sense, except the lower difficulty is a fake. The bully still takes in group, but i managed to get some friends that want to talk and befriend with me, most of the time in school they hang out with the bully group but some time they have a nice chat with me. It's looks like a good time to me, until i found out its all a lie. The teacher hate me because i am strange and to strict (maybe because i dont want to do bad stuff, maybe because the teacher feel that handling one people is easier), my friend talk bad behind me when i am not in class, ect. I feel really betrayed, I dont even know who is my friend anymore and how to find a good friend. things maybe easier in the pyhsical bullying department compared to the middle school, but damn it is hurt in my heart.

You all maybe asking, why did stand idle or didnt ask for help? I do ask for help, a lot of time in fact. When i ask for my parent help, they only come to school and told the bully nicely (literally) to stop bully me. And you know what happen? it become worse because i am called a snitch and the bully become more aggressive. asking a teacher will result in the same stuff happening, either they told the bully or both of us going in discussion with teacher in middle one time then next day i got bullied more. Once my parent said for me to ask the bully forgiveness myself to stop bully me, but hell its only got worse. Lot of time people said to ignore the verbal bullying, I can ignore it but there is a cost to that and i will explain it later. Fighting off myself is impossible because they gank in group, my only saving grace is when i got separated because i need to study for competition.

In home, its not really a good place too. I must always yield/give in everytime, when i have a problem with my brother then i need to be the one to say sorry or they wont talk to me (my parent said that) then i need to kneel down and say sorry to them. My brother always got supported more for their school needs, When i make money then i need to pay for their necessities too. Last time i got in a fight with my brother, it is getting heated then my parents become sick because they are embarassed if neighbour heard our fight. So i need to backdown but my brother keep badmouthing me saying i am a thief ect. If you want the context, the internet package got depleted really fast and my brother have the tendency to blame others. I give every proof that when i use the wifi or i am not using the wifi (because i am not home and working far from home) and the internet package get depleted fast too. But my parents always ask me to back down and be patient. Right and wrong become gray to me, if being bad have no consequences and become more happy then why should i be good? why should i the one to back down? but yeah thats only one example of the problem.

For my university days, the first and second semester is really busy because orientation so not much stuff happening. In the second semester covid comes then everything become online so nothing interesting happen (maybe if covid not coming i will be bullied again?). Online classes keep happening till my last year, i only need to be patient at home and honestly its better than in school because i am not having problem with my brother everytime. Its just for my thesis, i need to do it by 3 people team. I choose my own member, the first one is my personal friend (yeah stupid me, i dont know if he is really my friend but i am having good time gaming with him) and the other one is someone who is really good at my thesis topic. Because i am always failing and need to take extra step and really cautious then i always plan ahead and choosing best member. I do the 60-80% part of the thesis and the rest is divided between my other member, i provided the necessary tool out of my pocket money even though i am really hard on money too so they can do their task easily. but what happen? THEY IGNORED ME FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, i got really depressed because i need to graduate so my salary will increase and i hopefully theres some money left for me to enjoy (thats right, every month i always out of money because my parents will always ask for it like for my brother necessities). My brother didnt even have a job, they always ask for money then go out from home to look for job (its just empty words). But stupidly my parents always believe it and they got so much in debt because my brother sweet words. FYI my brother is 35+ years old now and they dont have a single job experience, they always get supported but i dont because i can fill my own necessities. Like i know i can fullfill my own necessities but its still really hard to see when my brother got provided with money but i need to work my ass off to pay for my college. FYI again My 2nd and 3rd brother is 35 years old with no experience and my 1st brother is 38 years old with full time experience but he got cancer and i need to help for paying the treatment too.

The problem i said above is just a glimpse of it, most of the time i always failed or the odds is stacked again me so i need to plan ahead and being extra carefull. Even though like that i still get screwed off sometime like my thesis that currently happening. My enterpreneurship with my friend where my friend work less and didnt answer my chat, I want to cut off the partnership but i still got a client that need to be done because my name is on it (hell the client is really slow too to provide what i need to finish the project).

Now lets talk what i feel and my problem is:

1. I am having a hard time trusting people
2. Got a bad dream sometime about the bad stuff happening to me like bullying and waking up really tired.
3. Can't smile because i always put poker face when i got verbally bullied.
4. Got really cold attitude and dont have any feeling, when my friend in primary school got an accident i didnt feel anything but i know that i must feel something because he is my friend. My oldest brother got cancer but i still dont feel any remorse at all.
5. Having anxiety, low self-esteem, closing my eyes and cant look at people when i speak, my legs and body really shaking when talking to people especially group of people.thats strange tho because i am a leader type in my job so i cant have these traits
6. Having really negative though, like i think that dying is better because i wont get any problem at all. Logically thats true, but on the one side i must keep living and never give up plus my religion said suicide is not allowed.
7. Envy when looking people happy, I dont know why its just i want to have a good childhood and life like them.
8. Got confused and self conflicting a lot.
9. My emotion is always jumping high and low, but i always keep it to my self and not showing it. Other people wont like it when i got mad right? but i am really happy when i do gaming and stuff i like.
10. Right now i am procastinating for my thesis, I need to do my thesis. but the stuff that left to be finished is the side that i am not really good at (designing stuff and learning new stuff), it should be where my two friend shine and good at. I try to learn it but sometime i lost motivation or my head hurts, but i need to do my thesis so my salary will Increase.

Someone, anyone please help. I really want to talk to therapy but i always self conflicting, on one side its really pricey and on one side i need to know a way to solve my problem. Hope someone can help me. I am really thankfull if you read it this far, and even more thankfull if you can give me some thought. Thanks!

It's been months since I've had my tattoos but I never tell my parents anything because I know that they already think of me as the black sheep of the family. Apparently, I only think of myself and do what I like to do and not think of others, according to them. I really like the aesthetics of having a tattoo and I'm already 19 years old. I know that my parents are only worried about my future, especially about the discrimination to work with people that has tattoos.

After my dad found out about my tattoo, he immediately kicked me several times while asking me why I did that. I did not give him anything because I know that even if I gave him an answer, that might probably make him more mad. Because of that, I had to go to my room to isolate, but he followed me there and hit me several more times while still asking why I'm ruining myself. It's already 2023 and my father is one of those people who thinks lowly of those with tattoos.

My mother then came to my room to stop him. And my father said that she's a bad influence to her child because I got these tattoos because she had them too. He was so angry that he tried to hit my mom too. He just left after that.

I feel so bad for doing the things that I like doing because I know that they want what's best for me and it makes me feel so guilty to do what I like because they don't like anything I like. I know they're doing the best that they can as parents, but I'm just trying to have fun and celebrate my youth. I know I would never do something that I will regret in the future.

I feel useless and unwanted and a liability. Even when am being shown love I can't help it to overthink and feel like am a bother yet no one is telling me. I always think no matter what I do it's not enough. Since I was young I have always felt that way, unwanted and not enough.