I have a lot of things from my past I still have problems progressing, so I wanted to tell my story with you here. Of course I experienced a lot of good events in my life so far but I will be mainly focusing on the negative ones because these are the ones that make life difficult for me sometimes because there are some bad experiences I have made that I have problems with. Anyways, let's get started!

I grew up with my parents though I don't have any siblings. My parents were pretty good parents, I'm not gonna say that they were bad like who knows why they acted the way they did in some difficult situations and who knows how hard parenting really is because I'm only 17 and I don't have any kids yet even if I could've been pregnant once (against my will) but I'm lucky about not having kids because for me personally it would be way too early to have kids at 17. I don't want to offend anyone having a different opinion for themselves but I just don't feel ready to be a mom, also I'm single ;). Back to my parents, I spent most of the time with my mom because my dad was working in a jail and he had night shift quite often or he came back from work in the evening, so I didn't have much time to spend with him which I still regret a few years later because I feel like I really would have needed the time with him. Now that he is retired I kinda have a need to catch up on all the time I have missed with him. My mom was okay as a mom, let's be honest. I see she tried her best but she was unsure and overwhelmed with me so often. She was a pretty strict mom and she always warned me to do what she said. She was and still is a perfectionist which I inherited from her in some way but I made myself clear that perfection does not exist in this world. Nothing and no one is perfect. She got better somehow right now but she was an extremely perfectionist person when I was younger. She wanted me to do everything perfectly since day one. Of course I couldn't so she was never satisfied with me and she rarely told me I did something well. Then there was her insecurity which made her unsure about how to act, for example when I didn't want to listen to her she just yelled at me and one time she even hit me. Not hard but it still broke a piece of my heart because she always was the person I trusted, she was the first person I saw after being born and now she did this, I couldn't understand anything at that moment. 

When I was 3 years old my parents decided to bring me to kindergarten. They had some kindergartens for choice and they chose one near where we live so they didn't have to drive a long time till there. I'm not gonna blame my parents for the bad experiences I have had there at all. They couldn't know that it would be so bad there. I wasn't a good eater as a kid and I nearly never had an appetite, I was underweight. I can understand that everyone, my parents, as well as the kindergarten teachers were worried about me but the way they treated me was just unacceptable. They forced me to eat even if I wasn't hungry and if I didn't eat they put the whole food in my mouth and choked me while eating so I threw up nearly every single time. This time for me was terrible. I remember all the kids around me telling the teachers to stop doing that to me but they just kept doing their thing. I was so shocked and maybe traumatized about what they did to me every day that I felt kind of paralyzed in my mind if you know what I mean. I mean I was unable to talk about what was happening to me till I was 7. That day my dad was really angry about this. I was his only child and he was and still is fighting for me like a lion or something. Back then he also protected me so much because he felt like he owed me something because of the lack of time we spent together. I remember him calling the kindergarten telling them I wouldn't ever come back there. I still feel how relieved I was about this. (Btw if you're wondering why I was still in kindergarten at 7, I was there for learning and stuff after school till my mom picked me up). 

My elementary school wasn't bad at all. I got to know a lot of friends and had fun going to school. When I was in 4th grade, a student of the 3rd grade started harassing me. He often had more boys around him so I was pretty shy around them (I was and still am shy at all but this was just another situation). He was treating me like his slave. He wanted me to do everything he wanted. One day he tried to pull down my skirt and kicked me between my legs. After that he kept harassing me. The teachers called his parents twice but nothing changed. Anytime I went to some of my classmates and they protected me from him.

Later I went to secondary school. In 5th grade I got bullied by two of my classmates who were jealous of me. They offended me, stole my things… I talked to the teachers and to my parents a lot about this but no one took it really seriously. One day they grabbed me and told me they wanted to see my corpse and pushed me in front of a truck. I didn't get injured but this was the moment where everyone realized that it was serious. I remember how I went home from school that day and told my dad about what happened. He immediately called my class teacher and told him about it. My teacher was crying on the telephone. One of the students got expelled from school and the other one is actually one of my friends right now. The following years were pretty nice til I graduated. I didn't have any problems with others. Maybe 2 weeks after I graduated, an ex classmate of mine texted me that he likes me and that he would like to meet me. I was really happy and surprised about this because I liked him too. The next week we met in a shopping center. I thought that it would get really nice to finally be outside with someone I really like and who really likes me. But it didn't get nice at all. He dragged me into the stairway of the parking garage of the center and sexually assaulted me there. Since that experience I'm afraid of boys and men. When I went back home I told my parents a bit of what happened. I couldn't tell everything because I got the same feeling I had in kindergarten so I was too shocked to talk about everything. My dad told me to sue him a thousand times but I didn't want to let other people like the police know of that situation because it felt really embarrassing for me. Also I felt like everything was my fault, I should have known it all so I didn't sue him. I'm still one hundred percent satisfied with this decision. I think that was all of my bad experiences I have had so far. Of course there may be a lot of small experiences I don't remember right now but the ones that I have mentioned are the most influential ones for my life. But what have I got from them now? 

• Through the fact that my dad was working a lot when I was a little kid, I have a really close relationship to him
• Through the kindergarten thing I don't trust people fast and I'm actually scared of them when I don't know them well. Also I got insecure about my eating habits (even if I'm normal weight now)
• Because my mom rarely complimented me / told me that I was doing things well & through the bullying thing, I got insecure about myself and got depression and anxiety
• Through the experience with the boy who assaulted me, I got a fear of boys and men

What other problems do I have?

As I already mentioned, I am suffering from depression, anxiety and insecurity. Additionally I got diagnosed with autism last year. I don't think that autism makes me unsure about how people feel. I feel like I am more empathetic through that. I immediately see how people are feeling, they don't even have to tell me and my experiences make me able to give them some advice in many cases. Also I overthink quite often. 

That was my story :)

A lot of the time when we consume the content of people who publicise their journeys to recovery, we’re under the impression they’re “healed.” We believe they have everything together, life flows effortlessly for them and that their circumstances are perfect… but would you be surprised if I said that’s far from the truth?

As a content creator who documents bits and pieces of their recovery, I can tell you firsthand that most of us only share what we want being seen. We’ll post on the days we feel good; sharing vlogs of ourselves at the beach enjoying the sun or grabbing brunch at the new vegan restaurant that just opened up. But do you know what we WON’T upload? The bad days. Why? Because it “ruins” the aesthetic.

Nobody wants to hear about the meltdown we had over something trivial or the episode that was triggered by plans going south. 9 times out of 10, influencer or not, a person is likely to be shamed for venting on media; crying on camera as opposed to journaling or talking to a trusted friend.

However because I know this is a common thing among “recovery influencers” (I assume they’re categorised as), I personally share and talk about the “ugly” parts of recovering. Why? Because it’s easier said than done and everybody’s journey looks different. I want to provide a more authentic perspective and not the “everything is perfect” that’s constantly being fed.

Because the truth of the matter is even though I’m nearly 2 years into recovery and I rarely have bad days, not every day is good for me. There are days where I’m depressed, hurting, lonely and more. I have days where I’m not good to myself or others but that doesn’t take away from all I’ve achieved. The goal is progression, not perfection.

And if it’s the ugly parts of healing they won’t tell you about, it’s the part where you feel like you’re regressing. They won’t tell you about the stages of anger and grief you oscillate between or the periods of isolation you experience trying to better yourself. They don’t tell you about the people you lose as a result of seeking better or the pervasive loneliness that follows when having to be selective about your associates.

Healing looks different for everyone and there’s going to be “ugliness” to it, but that’s okay because it should be normalised. I’m currently experiencing one of the ugliest parts of healing because despite being eager to create a loving and nurturing relationship with others, I feel myself growing emotionally reserved every day. It hurts but I’m doing my best to remain open. It’s difficult for me as someone still overcoming hyper independence and avoidant tendencies, but I know it can be done.

Even with the feelings of loneliness, depression and anxiety weighing heavy in my chest, I’m going to do my best to remain kind in my interactions. I’m quite frankly exhausted from everything but I’m dedicated to my recovery so I’ll bare the exhaustion as long as necessary.

When you enter a spiritual program of recovery (ie sobriety, therapy, etc) it becomes increasingly easier to discern who hates themselves just by observing the way in which they interact with others, how they navigate conflict or how they speak. Recent statistics show that loneliness, depression and anxiety among the upcoming generation is at an all time and I can’t help but blame the unhealthy expectations society has surrounding relationships and what “self love” is.

Self love is more than physical acts of self care. Self love CAN be treating yourself to a pedicure, because it’s an act that feels good and is taking care of your body (in a way), but what about your mental and emotional health? Loving yourself entails so much more than spa days. It’s recognising your mental and emotional capacity to engage in certain things, it’s listening to your body and taking breaks when needed. It’s setting boundaries and asserting them if crossed. It’s giving yourself grace in moments you can’t remain grounded and understanding you’re a work in progress.

Social media has created the misconception that if you’re not spending stupendous amounts of money on physical acts of self care then it’s not self love, which is WRONG. Self love looks different for everyone but I know the general concept is to pour back into yourself.

For myself personally, self love is just that. Loving my mind, body, heart and soul. It’s keeping myself hydrated and getting 8hrs of rest every night. It’s walking away from anything that doesn’t have my best interest and being protective of my energy. It’s being kind to myself and others as I navigate life’s challenges. Acts of self care contribute to the love I have for myself, and they’re done through frugal means because I don’t feel the need to live outside my means.

A lot of this generation is obsessed with the idea of LOOKING rich in wealth when the REAL wealth is being mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually prosperous. By NO means is it easy to achieve when living in a materialistic world, but every day is a good day to start unlearning a lot of the misinformation we had instilled in us.

Everyone wants to experience a healthy relationship but refuse to do the work to achieve it. It’s challenging, it’s uncomfortable, and everything in between, but if you want better then you have to work toward becoming better. Resources are available and should be utilised if made accessible.

With me being a year almost 2 into therapy and support workshops, I’ve made notable exponential progress and I’m proud of myself for it. I understand everyone’s circumstances are differences and mine can’t account for theirs, but it’s about willpower and discipline. The support groups and other professional resources I’m receiving have helped make navigating tribulations easier, and developing better discernment, it’s protected me from universe knows what.

Being a knowledge-seeker and actively taking the time to unlearn a lot of the toxic things I was either taught, have done, or spewed puts me a step closer to being the version of myself I strive to become and I love it, but I hate how society continues to feed the upcoming generation bullshit that’s negatively impacting them.

I have known I’ve had a disorder for a long time. I’ve been anxious and had periods of depression and panic. I don’t know what’s wrong with me