July 2022 was the year I decided to start doing things outside my comfort zone as an introvert, so it began with presenting more feminine and bar hopping. I brought two-tone wigs, revealing clothes and started wearing makeup. I began going on dates with people from media apps and was treated to tacos and margaritas every other day. Then, 2 weeks into August I met someone special. It was from that evening forward, August 17th, 2022, that my life would change in the most unexpected way.
It was half past 19:00 when I pulled up to a rooftop bar in my new, red and black two tone wig. I was dressed in all black; a cropped fishnet top with leather pants and eccentric punk makeup. I took a seat by the window and then… I saw him. My server. The man I briefly dated and the abuser who traumatised me. After placing a carafe of water at my table, he gave me a gentle smile and introduced himself. Post taking my order, I noticed his flirtatious expression in between passing, most to which I returned.
A few drinks later I worked up the courage to shoot my shot and asked for his number, after asking if he’d take a photo of me dining, both to which he surprisingly obliged. The next day we went on our first date. He picked me up at a nearby park early afternoon and we spent the evening getting to know one another over sushi and plum wine. Everything seemed fine at first but then his mask began to crack and before I knew it, the abuse began.
It started with the evening I initiated our relationship, August 24th, 2022, where we hopped bar after bar, and each time he’d force me to drink with him. It wasn’t long before my intoxication as he already had me drinking since 4pm; specifically Prosecco (11% alc.) and Geikkeikan Saké (15.6%). To spare details, once he noticed I was in a drunken stupor, he escorted me to his place and sexually assaulted me. To this day I have little to no recollection of the event; I only remember collapsing on the bed, wavering in and out of consciousness before passing out and coming to at the sight of him fastening his belt, telling me, “Come on, I have to take you home.”
It was that day moving forward this became a pattern; coercing me to drink until I’m drunk so he could assault me, but it didn’t stop there. I foolishly introduced him to my at the time best friend who he not only attempted to triangulate between us, but sexually harassed despite our protests and isolate me away from them and other members of support. Among trying to financially control me with encouragement to quit my at the time job and live with him, he simultaneously triangulated an at the time coworker of his. Whenever we were at bars, he’d blatantly flirt with other people. Additionally, he’d make racially insensitive about minorities despite being a minority himself.
Whenever I would hold him accountable for his inappropriate behaviour or inflammatory remarks, he’d gaslight me or play victim. He projected accusations of infidelity onto me despite cheating on me with his ex and several other people, then began badmouthing my loved ones. He’d purposefully arrange and cancel, deprive me of sleep, ignore text messages, violate my boundaries despite there being clear communication, and misgender me despite knowing I’m not a woman as he’s seen me without wigs and makeup.
Throughout all of the mistreatment I did my best to give him the benefit of the doubt because the moment I entered that “relationship”, I said to myself that I want to ensure I’m exercising all the proper avenues to ensure it works and that I’m practicing healthy communication. September 26th, 2022 was the day I had enough and blocked him on everything, effectively ending our relationship. At the time of us dating, for every “situation” that triggered me it was also communicated to a trusted loved one. September 26th is the day they spoke my truth on behalf of me. September 28th, 2022 is the day I came forth myself speaking my truth.
Not even a week later, I began finding myself descend into a state of despondency. I couldn’t get out of bed, I lost my appetite, I was impulsively spending to cope and I became incredibly isolated. Despite being fortunate enough to be met with support when coming out, it didn’t change I didn’t have a personal support system. I took legal action and spent the next 7-9 months fighting health complications and legal affairs. What made it hurt twice as worse is with coming out, several other people traumatised by my assailant approached me saying he did the same thing to me.
However throughout this time, I actively sought professional help. I chose sobriety, started volunteering, I picked up boxing, and dedicated the rest of my time to creating a better life for myself. Came September 22nd, 2023 I received justice in a way that felt good to me. Many of hardships have become a lot more manageable and I’m thankful for the connections I’ve built from them and are maintaining today. Now, it’s August 1st, 2024 and 2022 feels far away. I’ve been so preoccupied with continuously practicing kindness, self love and restoring my health that I sometimes forget that entire ordeal happened. August 2022 was a terrible period in my life that could’ve actually killed me, but I’m so glad to have survived and came out stronger.
My assailant traumatised the ever loving hell out of me, but he traumatised me so badly it made me want to get my shit together. Sometimes I never know whether to hate him or thank him, but I generally feel indifferent. While he’s a covert narcissist and they rarely never change, that doesn’t mean I can’t continue to change myself.
I am genuinely moved by your story and the profound courage it took to not only survive such a harrowing experience but to share it so openly. You have demonstrated an extraordinary level of resilience and strength. It's not easy to face such darkness and emerge with a renewed sense of purpose and determination. Your journey is a powerful testament to the human spirit's capacity to heal and grow despite immense adversity. I hope you continue to find the peace and happiness you deserve. Your story will undoubtedly serve as a source of inspiration and hope for many others who may be struggling with similar challenges. Thank you for your bravery and for shining a light on such an important issue.
@akoss357 This is unfortunately, only a fragment of what I experienced throughout the month I’ve been acquainted with and dated my assailant but I appreciate you so much for this. At the time I didn’t have a tangible support system so as a content creator, I came out through media. I’m grateful my audience was kind enough to support me and help spread awareness, giving me compassion and providing me with resources even though I’ve already been researching into them myself. My story is still public to this day and is being retold through friends warning others about my assailant, but I really needed this. Thank you, truly…
Hey, just wanted to drop in and say you're an absolute warrior! 💪 I can't even begin to understand the kind of hell you went through, but the fact that you're standing tall today is a testament to your incredible strength. It's so easy to get lost in the darkness and let it consume you, but you chose to fight back and reclaim your life with such determination and courage. That's no small feat and deserves all the recognition in the world. Your story is a reminder that no matter how hard life gets, there's always a way out. Sometimes it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you’ve shown that it’s there, even when it feels impossibly far away. Keep shining bright, and never forget how far you’ve come and the battles you've bravely faced and won. You are a beacon of hope and inspiration to so many people. Sending you all the positive vibes, strength, and love in the world! 💖✨
@satterfield I wish I could pin this comment, this touched me so much more than you know and I can’t thank you enough for this. This really made my morning and your kindness will stick with me for time to come. Thank you.🙏🏾
Oh, honey, I am so sorry it happened to you! It’s amazing to see how you’ve been able to find strength and resilience through everything you’ve experienced. The journey you went through from July 2022 to August 2024 is filled with many ups and downs, yet here you are, telling your story with such clarity and courage. I am so-so proud of you! It’s heartbreaking to read how someone who initially seemed kind and flirtatious could turn into such a monster.
The aftermath of ending the relationship was understandably difficult. Dealing with despondency, loss of appetite, impulsive spending, and isolation are all heavy burdens to bear. Yet, you took legal action and fought through health complications and legal affairs. It’s commendable how you continued to seek justice and support, even when it was hard.
Again, I am so proud of you!
@_Amy_ I appreciate you and everyone else so much for taking the time to provide me with words of affirmation and encourage, I’m seriously on the brink of tears and am grateful. It’s been all too long last I’ve publicly spoke my truth but wasn’t anticipating being met with so much support. Being affirmed and reminded of how strong and capable I am was all I needed today because these past few weeks have been somewhat hard on me. Thank you, Amy, really. The kindness you’ve given me today genuinely gave me me the strength I needed to keep going.
u r so strong 😭 it’s so hard to even think about what u went through, but reading ur story makes me feel so many emotions. it’s like u were in this horrible storm and somehow u found ur way out. i don’t know how u did it, but i’m so glad u did. ur words are so powerful and ur strength is so inspiring. ur story made me cry but also made me feel hopeful. thank u for sharing it with us. i hope u keep finding happiness and peace. u deserve all the good things in the world. stay strong, and keep being amazing. 💜🌈
@terry I don’t know how to describe it, but I’ve always framed it through the question of, “Have you ever been so traumatised it un-traumatised you?”
I can’t help but feel like that situation was a wake up call. I was living life on autopilot; no real sense of direction or aspirations, but seeing the true face of a covert narcissist, but more specifically my assailant, scared me. Seeing how he masked and pretended to be something he genuinely frightened me to the core. I took a real hard look at him and it made me realise I wasn’t living up to my true potential, and that I NEVER want to navigate life the way he did.
If you know anything about covert narcissists (or narcissists) in general, it’s that they’re chameleons. They’ve lost their true selves as a result of the trauma they experience so they take on the face of who they think others would praise and mirror them. It’s a pitiful way to be, and seeing similarities (in the term of masking my depression, anxiety, being a people pleaser), I knew for certain I didn’t want that life. It was hard but I made shit happen, and still am. It’s a little easier but some challenges remain. Regardless, I appreciate you and everyone else taking the time to leave me words of encouragement. Reading all these supportive comments brought me to the verge of tears and I’m grateful to still be met with support, even 2 years later.
Thank you Terry, truly. Never change, and be kind to yourself as you have been to me. 🙏🏾
I can truly relate to your story, and I want to thank you for sharing it. I also dated a narcissist once, though my experience was only emotional abusive. It started off like a fairy tale. He was charming, attentive, and made me feel like the most special person in the world. We met at a mutual friend's party, and he swept me off my feet with his charisma and attention.
At first, everything seemed perfect. He would send me sweet messages throughout the day, surprise me with little gifts, and always be there when I needed someone to talk to. But slowly, things began to change. He started to criticize me in subtle ways, pointing out my flaws and making me feel less confident. It was always under the guise of "helping me improve" or "being honest."
I remember one time when I wore a dress that I loved, and he said, "Are you sure you want to wear that? You look fat" It crushed me, but I thought maybe he was just being honest. These small comments became more frequent and vile. He started to say that I didn't look good next to him. He often said that he had very beautiful girlfriends who were willing to be his girlfriend. He slowly started to control my life. At first he controlled what I wore, later he started to control who I could see and when, always making me feel guilty if I wanted to spend time with my friends or family.
He would often cancel plans at the last minute, leaving me feeling disappointed and alone. When I tried to talk to him about how his behavior was affecting me, he would turn it around and make it seem like I was being overly sensitive or dramatic. He made me feel like I was the problem, that I was too needy or demanding.
I began to doubt myself and my worth. I stopped seeing my friends as much because it was just easier than dealing with his jealousy and accusations. He would go through my phone, questioning every message and every call. Privacy became a luxury I no longer had. It was exhausting. And the funny thing: he didn’t let me check his and I’m sure he was talking to girls behind my back. The worst part was how isolated I felt. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about what was happening. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had let myself get into this situation. I started to believe that maybe I did deserve the way he treated me. It was a dark time in my life, and I felt completely alone.
Eventually, I reached a breaking point. I realized that I couldn't continue living like this. I talket to a close friend, who helped me see that his behavior was abusive and that I deserved better. It wasn't easy, but I found the strength to leave him. The aftermath was tough. I had to rebuild my self-esteem and learn to trust myself again. Looking back, I can see how much stronger I am now. The experience taught me a lot about myself and what I deserve in a relationship. I learned to recognize the red flags and to trust my instincts. I won't let anyone make me feel less than I am ever again.
Your story reminded me of my own journey, and I want you to know that you're incredibly brave for sharing it. We're capable of amazing things.
@HOLLY C. It’s scary how grossly similar our situations began and ended, and I’m sorry that you’ve also had an encounter with a covert narcissist. But I’m so glad you got away and were able to rebuild yourself, I hope you’re as proud of yourself as I am of you. A lot of people don’t understand how hard it is escaping and surviving abusive relationships with narcissists but you did it, and I did too. You’re one tough cookie and I love that for you. I appreciate your kindness and vulnerability in sharing your personal experience. I hope you’re well and better these days, my heart and good vibes definitely go out to you!
@HOLLY C. I came here to write almost an identical story. Your experience with a narcissist mirrors mine so closely that it felt like you were telling my story. I broke up with my narcissistic partner not too long ago, so the wound is still very fresh. How did you get through it, sis? I'm struggling to cope with the emotional pain and the feeling of isolation. Every day feels like a battle to regain my sense of self. I often doubt my decisions and wonder if I made the right choice by leaving. The manipulation and control have left me feeling lost. Did you ever feel like you were second-guessing yourself? It's hard to trust my instincts again after all the gaslighting. How did you rebuild your self-esteem? I feel like I'm starting from scratch.
@HOLLY C. Thank you so much for your kind words. It's comforting to know that what I'm feeling is normal and that others have gone through similar things. I've been trying to reach out to friends and family, but sometimes it feels like they don't fully understand what I went through. They want to help, but it's hard for them to grasp the depth of the manipulation and control. I've been considering therapy, but I'm a bit apprehensive. How do I even begin to find a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse?
@litteljanessa First of all, I want you to know that what you're feeling is completely valid. Leaving an abusive relationship, especially one involving a narcissist, is one of the hardest things anyone can do. The emotional pain and isolation you're experiencing are incredibly challenging, but I promise you, it does get better with time and effort. Yes, I did second-guess myself a lot in the beginning. I questioned whether I made the right decision, whether I could have done something differently to make it work. But deep down, I knew that staying would only continue to erode my self-worth and happiness. I had to remind myself constantly that I deserved better, even when it didn't feel like it.
One thing that really helped me was finding a support system. I reached out to friends and family, and though it was difficult to open up about my experience, their support was invaluable. They reminded me of my worth and helped me see the situation more clearly. Therapy was also a crucial part of my healing process. A good therapist can help you navigate the complex emotions and trauma that come with leaving an abusive relationship. They can provide you with tools and strategies to rebuild your self-esteem and trust your instincts again.
@litteljanessa I understand. It's tough when those around us can't fully grasp the extent of what we've been through. That's why connecting with others who have had similar experiences can be so powerful. Support groups, both in-person and online, can be a great way to find people who truly understand and can offer empathy and advice. As for finding a therapist, it's important to look for someone who specializes in trauma and abuse. Many therapists list their specialties on their websites, and you can always ask for a consultation to see if they have experience with narcissistic abuse. Don't be afraid to shop around until you find someone you feel comfortable with.
I found "The Narcissist's Playbook" by Dana Morningstar to be very insightful. It breaks down the tactics narcissists use and offers practical advice for healing and moving forward. Another great resource is "Healing from Hidden Abuse" by Shannon Thomas, which provides a step-by-step recovery process.
Wow, what an incredibly powerful story. Reading about your journey through such a traumatic experience and seeing how you've come out the other side is truly inspiring. I cannot imagine the strength it took to endure everything you went through, let alone to share it so openly. You have shown an immense amount of courage and resilience. It’s amazing to hear that you’ve built a better life for yourself and found a sense of justice. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for taking those steps to protect your well-being and for coming out stronger. While I can't fully comprehend your pain, I want you to know that your story has touched me deeply, and I believe many others who read this will feel similarly
It takes an incredible amount of bravery to endure what you did and to come out stronger on the other side. The fact that you managed to navigate through such a dark period and find a way to heal is truly inspiring. Your experience highlights the importance of support systems and the power of inner strength. It's heartening to know that you found ways to rebuild your life and that you continue to move forward with positivity and willpower.
@R0N I couldn't agree more and I want to thank you, Mitchel, for sharing your story. It’s sooo inspiring to see how you’ve taken such a painful chapter of your life and used it as a catalyst for positive change. You deserve all the happiness and peace and I have no doubt that you will achieve it.
I know it might not mean much coming from a stranger on the internet, but I believe in you and your ability to continue growing and healing. The way you took control of your life, sought justice, and found ways to improve yourself is commendable. You’re an example of how one can turn pain into power, and that’s a lesson many of us can learn from. Keep pushing forward, and remember that it’s okay to have bad days. They don’t define your journey; your courage does.
@kendra's quite the contrary, actually. You have no idea how much it means to have “strangers on the internet” give support and provide words of encouragement. I haven’t spoke my truth in nearly 2 years but decided to write about it here because among other upcoming trauma anniversaries, 8/17/22 is the one I prepare to keep myself grounded for the most.
It’s incredibly affirming to know that I’m achieving what I set out to do, and that’s encourage others to find strength within themselves and live in their truth. It’s twice as touching to hear others share their stories in relation because it tells me I’m not alone and neither are they. Building and advocating for community is all I strive to do, so being supported in this fashion means everything.
I can’t exactly respond to every comment but I want everyone to know just how grateful I am for the kindness they’ve given. I was already on the verge of tears, but now I’m actually crying because even with having a support system, it’s hard to find people that understand the experience and can provide proper emotional support. It’s a little harder for me as a content creator because some people don’t see me as a person, but just this little bit was enough to get me through the week.
So thank you, Kendra. I can’t express my gratitude enough for the kindness you and many others have given me today. I hope you’re as kind to yourself, and hope that you have a great day.
Mitchel, your story brought tears to my eyes. Reading about the abuse you endured is heart-wrenching, and it’s unfathomable to think of the pain you must have suffered. However, what truly stands out is your incredible ability to rise above such profound darkness and transform your life. The way you sought justice not only for yourself but also to prevent others from experiencing similar pain??? I admire you, my friend!!
Finding new passions and rebuilding your life after such trauma is really important. It is inspiring to see how you have channeled your experiences into positive changes, creating a new path for yourself that is filled with hope and purpose. You deserve all the happiness, peace, and fulfillment that life can offer. Stay strong, Mitchel. The world is a better place with you in it!
@CrisChris While this is only a fragment of the torment experienced at the hands of my assailant, I’m also glad I was able to transform this pain into power. I consider myself an energy alchemist so transmutation is something I’m continuously learning to do.
I’ll be honest and admit this comment made me cry like a few others but in a good way of course! I can’t thank everyone enough for the support and kindness they’ve given and I think I’m going to print out and tape the comments to my wall for if I’m having a bad day, I can look back and read them.
Thank you for making my morning and helping today feel a little less stressful for me. I appreciate you so much and hope you give yourself the same compassion you’ve demonstrated to me. ❤️
Your story is a powerful reminder that even in the face of the darkest experiences, there is always a way to find light. The bravery you’ve shown in sharing your story and in taking steps to rebuild your life is truly admirable. It’s clear that you have a strong sense of self and a determination to not let your past define you. Continue to embrace that strength and use it to propel yourself forward. You’ve already achieved so much, and there’s no doubt that you will continue to thrive. Stay strong and keep believing in yourself.
@Judy R. I wish I could pin your comment so much, I needed to hear this. Thank you so much for your encouragement, empathy and kindness. Your words will stick with me for years to come, and I’m grateful to have such compassionate people like yourself and others provide me with these affirmations.❤️