July 2022 was the year I decided to start doing things outside my comfort zone as an introvert, so it began with presenting more feminine and bar hopping. I brought two-tone wigs, revealing clothes and started wearing makeup. I began going on dates with people from media apps and was treated to tacos and margaritas every other day. Then, 2 weeks into August I met someone special. It was from that evening forward, August 17th, 2022, that my life would change in the most unexpected way.

It was half past 19:00 when I pulled up to a rooftop bar in my new, red and black two tone wig. I was dressed in all black; a cropped fishnet top with leather pants and eccentric punk makeup. I took a seat by the window and then… I saw him. My server. The man I briefly dated and the abuser who traumatised me. After placing a carafe of water at my table, he gave me a gentle smile and introduced himself. Post taking my order, I noticed his flirtatious expression in between passing, most to which I returned.

A few drinks later I worked up the courage to shoot my shot and asked for his number, after asking if he’d take a photo of me dining, both to which he surprisingly obliged. The next day we went on our first date. He picked me up at a nearby park early afternoon and we spent the evening getting to know one another over sushi and plum wine. Everything seemed fine at first but then his mask began to crack and before I knew it, the abuse began.

It started with the evening I initiated our relationship, August 24th, 2022, where we hopped bar after bar, and each time he’d force me to drink with him. It wasn’t long before my intoxication as he already had me drinking since 4pm; specifically Prosecco (11% alc.) and Geikkeikan Saké (15.6%). To spare details, once he noticed I was in a drunken stupor, he escorted me to his place and sexually assaulted me. To this day I have little to no recollection of the event; I only remember collapsing on the bed, wavering in and out of consciousness before passing out and coming to at the sight of him fastening his belt, telling me, “Come on, I have to take you home.”

It was that day moving forward this became a pattern; coercing me to drink until I’m drunk so he could assault me, but it didn’t stop there. I foolishly introduced him to my at the time best friend who he not only attempted to triangulate between us, but sexually harassed despite our protests and isolate me away from them and other members of support. Among trying to financially control me with encouragement to quit my at the time job and live with him, he simultaneously triangulated an at the time coworker of his. Whenever we were at bars, he’d blatantly flirt with other people. Additionally, he’d make racially insensitive about minorities despite being a minority himself.

Whenever I would hold him accountable for his inappropriate behaviour or inflammatory remarks, he’d gaslight me or play victim. He projected accusations of infidelity onto me despite cheating on me with his ex and several other people, then began badmouthing my loved ones. He’d purposefully arrange and cancel, deprive me of sleep, ignore text messages, violate my boundaries despite there being clear communication, and misgender me despite knowing I’m not a woman as he’s seen me without wigs and makeup.

Throughout all of the mistreatment I did my best to give him the benefit of the doubt because the moment I entered that “relationship”, I said to myself that I want to ensure I’m exercising all the proper avenues to ensure it works and that I’m practicing healthy communication. September 26th, 2022 was the day I had enough and blocked him on everything, effectively ending our relationship. At the time of us dating, for every “situation” that triggered me it was also communicated to a trusted loved one. September 26th is the day they spoke my truth on behalf of me. September 28th, 2022 is the day I came forth myself speaking my truth.

Not even a week later, I began finding myself descend into a state of despondency. I couldn’t get out of bed, I lost my appetite, I was impulsively spending to cope and I became incredibly isolated. Despite being fortunate enough to be met with support when coming out, it didn’t change I didn’t have a personal support system. I took legal action and spent the next 7-9 months fighting health complications and legal affairs. What made it hurt twice as worse is with coming out, several other people traumatised by my assailant approached me saying he did the same thing to me.

However throughout this time, I actively sought professional help. I chose sobriety, started volunteering, I picked up boxing, and dedicated the rest of my time to creating a better life for myself. Came September 22nd, 2023 I received justice in a way that felt good to me. Many of hardships have become a lot more manageable and I’m thankful for the connections I’ve built from them and are maintaining today. Now, it’s August 1st, 2024 and 2022 feels far away. I’ve been so preoccupied with continuously practicing kindness, self love and restoring my health that I sometimes forget that entire ordeal happened. August 2022 was a terrible period in my life that could’ve actually killed me, but I’m so glad to have survived and came out stronger.

My assailant traumatised the ever loving hell out of me, but he traumatised me so badly it made me want to get my shit together. Sometimes I never know whether to hate him or thank him, but I generally feel indifferent. While he’s a covert narcissist and they rarely never change, that doesn’t mean I can’t continue to change myself.

My romantic interest and I have been seeing each other for 6 almost 7 months. We’ve had a few hiccups in between but it’s been smooth sailing since communication has somewhat improved. I enjoy holding space with him more than anything but due to the age difference (12 almost 13 years) and us both tackling a lot in our personal lives, having quality time is becoming harder.

Additionally, NSFW warning for mention of sexual intimacy, I suspect he has erectile dysfunction (ED). This doesn’t change the way I feel about him because I enjoy him as a person even when we’re not being intimate, but I’m unsure how to approach the discussion? He smokes, drinks, vapes and occasionally does drugs which I’m certain contributes to it among other factors. I’ve already done the research on ways to support someone with the condition but I also don’t want to seem invasive or unintentionally provoke discomfort. I’ve already affirmed I’m safe enough to be vulnerable with and he knows it. I also want to encourage him to seek healthier outlets to navigate frustrations he might not be comfortable discussing with me yet however knowing he’s situating a lot, I don’t want to overwhelm him.

I’m continually looking into resources to see what I can do on my end to educate myself prior to having the conversation but I just feel anxious about it all together. I have complications of my own that I’m fearful to share because I don’t want to worry or scare him but I want there to be open communication on both ends.

Trauma being understandable doesn’t make mistreatment of others acceptable. Many of us have traumatic pasts (or experiences) but don’t use them as excuses to justify toxic behaviours. Experiencing trauma isn’t your fault, but recovering is your responsibility. This is something I have to constantly remind myself of because my understanding of others’ hardships often leads to allowing their mistreatment toward me. I don’t take much personal and try not to assume someone’s purposefully being malicious, but that doesn’t excuse certain actions.

Day before yesterday I did it, I FINALLY did it. After 7 months, I walked away from the emotionally exhausting relationship I nearly tried to “salvage” with my former romantic interest. After months of internal conflict; heart and mind clashing, I was able to receive closure in a way that provided clarity and made disconnecting easier. I was overextending myself to accommodate his situation because I relate his circumstances, but it became apparent my efforts weren’t appreciated.

Unclear and improper communication, inconsistency and lack of respect for my time, complete disregard for my emotional safety and refusal to be emotionally vulnerable, etc. I’m not going back and forth with a 37 almost 38 year old as a 24 year old, I refuse. I don’t think he’s a bad person but he’s not where he needs to be and that’s the issue. His inability to properly show up for himself was impacting the relationship and I stepped away to let him situate his priorities. I care for him, but not at the expense of my wellbeing and boundaries.

Being able to safely remove myself from the situation is a blessing but I feel indifferent. In my mind I know I did the right thing but my heart hurts like hell because I really wanted things to work. While choosing to be self and career-focused moving forward, whether I end up with next, I want to have the same desire to better themselves from whatever hardships they’ve faced.

Earlier today, almost an hour into my shift I received a notification saying someone texted me. Opening my messages, I was surprisingly met with a familiar name and icon photo. It was the avoidant ex I’ve posted about months ago. I was completely taken aback but also giddy.

Giddy because the finally saw the get well texts I sent back in November/December, giddy because he asked for a moment of my time, and overall giddy because I was hearing from him again. Despite the glee, keeping our last interaction in mind and with me working through an attachment theory book I’m reading, I tested using the recommended communication methods when conversing with an avoidant. Surprisingly, they worked!

Throughout the shift we’ve been messaging and at first, I was awestruck. Then, I started to feel hesitant and indifferent because he was addressing me by pet names after 7 months of ghosting. Then it started to feel like I was being taken advantage of when he asked for resources after describing his situation, so I contemplating disconnecting and blocking. But no, I decided to hear him.

He reached out to apologise for ghosting, but also because he “misses me” and wanted to share that the protection charms I gifted him have apparently kept him safe through life-threatening situations. I’m happy to hear from him, but it doesn’t seem like his situation or mindset improved. And while I reminded him that I have nothing but love for him, I’ve also set boundaries.

I’m not looking to be trapped in any cycle with someone who’s emotionally unavailable or looking to improve themselves. I can’t afford to sabotage myself that way and I won’t. I’m feeling incredibly indifferent and can’t wait to discuss everything with my therapist tomorrow, I’m going to need a moment processing this