A lot of the time when we consume the content of people who publicise their journeys to recovery, we’re under the impression they’re “healed.” We believe they have everything together, life flows effortlessly for them and that their circumstances are perfect… but would you be surprised if I said that’s far from the truth?
As a content creator who documents bits and pieces of their recovery, I can tell you firsthand that most of us only share what we want being seen. We’ll post on the days we feel good; sharing vlogs of ourselves at the beach enjoying the sun or grabbing brunch at the new vegan restaurant that just opened up. But do you know what we WON’T upload? The bad days. Why? Because it “ruins” the aesthetic.
Nobody wants to hear about the meltdown we had over something trivial or the episode that was triggered by plans going south. 9 times out of 10, influencer or not, a person is likely to be shamed for venting on media; crying on camera as opposed to journaling or talking to a trusted friend.
However because I know this is a common thing among “recovery influencers” (I assume they’re categorised as), I personally share and talk about the “ugly” parts of recovering. Why? Because it’s easier said than done and everybody’s journey looks different. I want to provide a more authentic perspective and not the “everything is perfect” that’s constantly being fed.
Because the truth of the matter is even though I’m nearly 2 years into recovery and I rarely have bad days, not every day is good for me. There are days where I’m depressed, hurting, lonely and more. I have days where I’m not good to myself or others but that doesn’t take away from all I’ve achieved. The goal is progression, not perfection.
And if it’s the ugly parts of healing they won’t tell you about, it’s the part where you feel like you’re regressing. They won’t tell you about the stages of anger and grief you oscillate between or the periods of isolation you experience trying to better yourself. They don’t tell you about the people you lose as a result of seeking better or the pervasive loneliness that follows when having to be selective about your associates.
Healing looks different for everyone and there’s going to be “ugliness” to it, but that’s okay because it should be normalised. I’m currently experiencing one of the ugliest parts of healing because despite being eager to create a loving and nurturing relationship with others, I feel myself growing emotionally reserved every day. It hurts but I’m doing my best to remain open. It’s difficult for me as someone still overcoming hyper independence and avoidant tendencies, but I know it can be done.
Even with the feelings of loneliness, depression and anxiety weighing heavy in my chest, I’m going to do my best to remain kind in my interactions. I’m quite frankly exhausted from everything but I’m dedicated to my recovery so I’ll bare the exhaustion as long as necessary.
I wish I could be more like you. Self-reliant and confident in my abilities. But I'm not there yet. Right now I'm the opposite. I'm too codependent. I rely on others way too much.
Every little thing, I ask for help. I can't make decisions on my own. I always need someone's opinion or approval. It's exhausting, honestly. I feel like a burden to everyone around me. I want to change. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet.
Your post inspires me. It shows me there's another way to live. I'm tired of feeling helpless all the time. I want to feel capable and strong like you do. I could try solving some problems by myself before asking for help right away. It's scary though. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I mess up? But I guess that's part of being self-reliant, right? Taking risks and learning from mistakes.
I admire how you know when to ask for help and when to handle things on your own. That's the balance I want to find. Not totally alone, but not totally dependent either. Thanks for sharing your perspective. It's given me a lot to think about.
@Carmen White Being too dependent on others can be really tough but don't worry, you can definitely become more self-reliant! It's all about taking small steps. Start by making little decisions on your own. Don't overthink it, just go with your gut feeling. It might feel weird at first, but that's okay! There's no "wrong" choice when it comes to these small things. Try to solve simple problems by yourself before asking for help. If you're not sure how to do something, look it up online. You'll be surprised how much you can learn on your own!
Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Everyone messes up, and that's how we learn and grow. If something doesn't work out, think about what you could do differently next time
@dizzy Oh hi!! thank you so much for your advice! It really means a lot to me. You're right, I should start with small decisions. I never thought about it that way before. I guess I always felt like every choice was super important and I needed someone else's input.
I like your suggestion about solving simple problems by myself too. I do tend to run to others for help before even trying to figure things out on my own. I'll give it a shot and see what I can learn. And setting personal goals sounds like a great idea! I've always wanted to learn how to bake bread. Maybe I'll start with that. It's a bit scary to think about messing up, but you're right - that's how we learn.
@Carmen White yep, same here, friend 😔 too dependent on what others think
Honestly, people who are self-reliant are truly the coolest!! They don't need constant attention or validation from others and it's refreshing to be around someone who can handle their own stuff. You respect boundaries like no other 🙌 No clingy behavior or constant neediness here. At the end of the day, self-reliant people just make life easier and more enjoyable for everyone around them 🎉 No drama, no neediness, just mutual respect and good vibes
@MrLucky 100%! Self-reliant people are usually super chill (speaking as a self-reliant person haha). We don't create drama or stress over little things. We've got our own life under control. I think that we are often more understanding too. We don't judge others for needing alone time or space, because we get it and value independence as well
@MrLucky yaayyy! Sending you lots of strength to withstand other people's BS haha kidding (or am I? hahah). But for real, I'm glad you're thinking about it, and remember, it's never too late to change
@anthony Yep, you guys are the best!! You can count on yourself and I can count on you to be honest and direct 💯 No beating around the bush or playing games. You say what you mean and mean what you say. You inspire me so much tbh!! Being around you motivates me to work on my own self-reliance. It's contagious in the best way. I wish I was more self-reliant, I'm striving to be just one of you guys, just give me some time 😂
say it for the people in the back!!!
you're absolutely right that knowing when to ask for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. the ability to discern between helpful and unhelpful assistance is a crucial life skill that many people struggle to develop nowadays.... your point about the importance of professional help in certain situations is spot-on. too often, people rely solely on friends or family for support when what they really need is expert guidance
have you considered pursuing further education or training in psychology? i think you really have a gift for it
@1_smith.1 I really wish a lot of people understood that all help isn’t “good” help. What might be supportive in ONE situation could be counterproductive in another. It’s great that people are kind enough to extend aid but if they’re unintentionally creating more problems than solutions then it could be frustrating for the person seeking help.
While I’m not hyper independent, I cognitively understand and empathise with those who are because of experiences they’ve likely had with disappointment, insecurities, shame, feelings of unworthiness and/or not receiving support in a way that felt relieving to them.
Regarding pursuing education in psychology, it’s something I’ve been contemplating. A lot of the knowledge I have is because I genuinely enjoy researching trauma and psychology. I use it as a tool to accommodate and understand myself/ailments as well as others. My therapist, a psychologist I was talking to and many others have encouraged me to take up becoming a psychologist/therapist but due to financial instability, it’s not something I’m not able to pursue at the moment. I’m also worried that if I decide to pursue it I’ll lose interest, because then it’ll feel like I’m “monetising” an interest.
@Mitchel the way you talk about psychology and how much you enjoy researching it makes me think it's more than just a passing interest for you, but it sucks when money gets in way :(.
but i think what's really cool is how you use your knowledge to understand yourself and others better. that's a rare quality, and it's probably why people keep encouraging you to go into this field. you've got a natural talent for it, and that's pretty special
at the end of the day, though, it's your decision. you know yourself best. if you feel like turning this into a career might ruin it for you, that's valid. there's no rule that says you have to make your passion your job. sometimes keeping it as a personal interest can be just as fulfilling. whatever you decide, i think it's awesome that you're putting so much thought into it
As someone who has struggled with genuine hyper-independence in the past, I appreciate your take on this topic. It's crucial to differentiate between unhealthy patterns and healthy self-reliance. Your ability to ask for help when needed is a clear indicator that you're not falling into the trap of hyper-independence. I've found that society often pushes a narrative that we should always be open to help, but as you pointed out, not all help is created equal. It takes wisdom to know when to accept assistance and when to tackle challenges on your own
Your approach seems balanced and thoughtful
@Lessa I wish I could pin your comment, I appreciate your understanding and feedback so much. If this perspective was widely shared I feel like people who are hyper independent wouldn’t have so much a hard time receiving help and that self reliance wouldn’t be as “demonised” as it is
Hi again! You're absolutely right about all of this. People often confuse self-reliance with hyper-independence, but they're not the same at all. It's frustrating when others try to label us without understanding our motivations. Being self-reliant is a strength, not a weakness. It shows you know yourself and your capabilities
The best help we can get is from ourselves. We know our situations best, and it's smart to recognize when outside help might not be the answer
It's also important to set boundaries. Just because someone offers help doesn't mean we have to accept it. Choosing who we let into our lives and problems is crucial for our well-being
People who criticize self-reliance might be projecting their own insecurities. They might not understand that it's possible to be independent and still have healthy relationships
Being able to stand on your own two feet is a valuable life skill. It doesn't mean you never need anyone, but it does mean you can handle things when necessary
Society often pushes the idea that we should always lean on others, but that's not always realistic or helpful. The strongest thing we can do is trust ourselves
It's refreshing to hear someone speak so honestly about this. Don't let others make you doubt your approach to life and change that
@Tate I’ve very quickly come to realise that a lot of people accusing me of hyper independence are likely afraid of learning to be self reliant which is why I don’t put much stock into their criticisms. Had it come from a professional perspective I’d be more open minded to exploring if it’s an unconscious behaviour but considering my therapist and other specialists have confirmed it’s self reliance, I now tune out the noise of the projections.
I especially think it’s strange how society forces people to accept help just because they might not be in position to decline it, not recognising that not all help is sufficient. Humans are strange but at the end of the day, I’m just doing what I can with what I have. I recognise the severity of my situation and wouldn’t want to further create conflict by denying help IF it’ll be beneficial.
@Mitchel I've noticed that people who are truly self-reliant often have a better understanding of when to ask for help. They know their limits and can identify when outside assistance would actually be beneficial. It's not about never needing help, but about knowing when it's truly necessary
Your approach reminds me of the saying "give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime." You're focusing on learning to fish, which is much more valuable in the long run
I think there's also something to be said for the quality of relationships that we form. When you don't need others out of desperation, you can choose to connect with people out of genuine desire. That often leads to more authentic and balanced friendships
Wow, this hit close to home for me. I've been accused of being hyper-independent too & it's so frustrating when people don't understand the difference between that & being self-reliant. I understand what you mean about not wanting to ask for help from people who can't even help themselves–been there, done that & it never ends well. Why would I want advice from someone whose life is a mess?
@amandadavis.5 I’m slightly relieved to know I’m not alone in this. Often time people mistake me refusing to accept their help for hyper independence but when I’m listening to the struggles they share with me and seeing it outside my own, I know for CERTAIN there’s nothing they can do for me that I’m not already doing for myself.
i don’t feel like a burden asking for a help nor am I ashamed, if I need help then I’m going to accept what I can get as long as it’s certain to lift some of the burden I’m experiencing. If not then I’ll politely decline but thank them for offering.
@Mitchel It's frustrating when people try to push their help on you when you know it's not what you need. I appreciate the thought, but sometimes it feels like they're doing it more for themselves than for me. I've learned to trust my gut about when to accept help and when to handle things on my own. I think there's a lot of pressure in society to always be connected & relying on others, but that's just not practical or helpful. People forget that being able to stand on your own two feet is actually a good thing
It's crazy how people can be so quick to judge when you decide to do what's best for you.
A while back, I made the choice to step away from my old friend group. It wasn't an easy decision, but I knew it was the right one for me. Now, I'm dealing with them looking down on me, but honestly? I couldn't care less
The thing is, that group was so toxic. Everyone was always at each other's throats, but in this sneaky, passive-aggressive way. It was exhausting to be around
The last straw for me was when I shared one of my dreams with them (idk why I did it, looking back, it was pretty dumb of me) and their reaction? It was all passive-aggressive comments and eye rolls. It hurt like hell
After that, I realized I didn't need that kind of negativity in my life. So I made the decision to distance myself
It's funny how they can't see how toxic they are. They're so caught up in their own world that they can't understand why someone would want to leave. But that's not my problem anymore
I've learned that it's okay to put yourself first. It's okay to walk away from people who don't make you feel good about yourself. It's not selfish
@eleanor morales Oh boy, I’ve had my fair share of toxic friendships and I’m glad to hear you got out of that! I’m proud of you for recognising they were unhealthy and deciding to better for yourself. And in the most respectful way possible, people who are unable to see past their own thoughts, feelings and problems without considering others but have the audacity to accuse them of being inconsiderate are insufferable.
I’d rather be the villain in everybody’s story if it means maintaining boundaries and other healthy commitments made to myself. Anyone thinking I’m going to tolerate disrespect or treatment less than professional has me several shades of fucked up.
@eleanor morales Oh my god, we live the same life! I've recently broke free from my old group that was weighing me down too. It's like you're telling my story. I totally get what you mean about the toxic vibes and how draining it can be. It's crazy how we put up with that stuff for so long, right? I remember when I finally decided to walk away. It was after this big party where everyone was just being so fake and gossipy. I went home feeling so drained and upset. That's when I knew I had to make a change. Now, I'm doing my own thing and I've never been happier. Sure, sometimes I miss having a big group to hang out with, but the peace of mind is so worth it. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm proud of you for making that tough choice too. We deserve better, don't we?
@eleanor morales Oh man, the guilt! I know exactly what you mean. It's crazy how clear things become once you step back. For me, it took about a month to really feel settled with my decision. The first couple weeks were tough. I kept second-guessing myself, wondering if I'd made a mistake. But then I started noticing how much more relaxed I felt, how I wasn't constantly worrying about drama or what people were saying behind my back. Now, I actually enjoy my own company. How about you? Have you found yourself doing new things now that you're free from all that negativity?
@Hope For me, the hardest part was dealing with the guilt at first. You know, that feeling like maybe you're the problem? But then I realized, if I was the problem, why do I feel so much better now that I'm on my own? It's wild how we can get so caught up in toxic friendships that we forget what it's like to just be ourselves
I'm curious, how long did it take you to feel okay about your decision? For me, it took a few weeks to really settle into it. But now? I wouldn't go back for anything
@Hope Since I've stepped away, I've actually started to spend more time with my family. It's funny, I didn't realize how much I was neglecting those relationships until I had the time and energy to invest in them again. They're so much more supportive than my old friends ever were
It's like I'm seeing everything with fresh eyes now. Even simple things like going for a walk or reading a book feel different. More peaceful
THISS! It's frustrating when people misinterpret self-reliance as hyper-independence. I've been in similar situations where my desire to handle things on my own was seen as a negative trait. I've learned the hard way that sometimes well-intentioned help can complicate matters further. I really admire that you know yourself well enough to distinguish between situations where external help is beneficial and when it's better to rely on your own capabilities. I'm curious, how do you explain your perspective to others who might misunderstand your approach? Bc I struggle with it a lot, especially explaining to my close ones. I am often seen as too cautious and someone who has trust issues, but the thing is: I don't!
@TOXICO When it comes to explaining, I would detail it the same way I worded this post. If someone doesn’t understand or indicates they’re dedicated to misunderstanding, I respectfully disengage from discussion. Most people listen to respond, not to absorb the information so having that in mind, it’s rare I’ll get upset. Additionally, some people’s level of perception doesn’t exceed the surface and that’s okay. I’m not gonna shame or belittle them for it, that just means they’re not able to receive what I’m sharing and provide help so I seek support elsewhere.
This is why I only seek emotional support from my therapist and others in support workshops. Even if they don’t understand my situation entirely, from an empathetic standpoint they have SOME comprehension of what I’m communicating and just a little bit of understanding feels somewhat good for me.
@Mitchel thank you for sharing it! Your approach to explaining your perspective is really eye-opening. I totally get what you mean about people listening to respond rather than to understand. A lot of them are just waiting for their turn to talk instead of really hearing you out. I've definitely been on the receiving end of that and it's so frustrating. I love how you're not afraid to disengage from conversations that aren't going anywhere. That's something I need to work on. I often find myself getting stuck in these circular arguments trying to make people understand, but you're right, they're just not ready or willing to get it. I'm curious, how did you find the right therapist? Did it take a while to find the right fit? I've heard it can be a bit of a process, but it sounds like it's totally worth it
god i love when people are living their truth! keep at it, you beautiful soul and i hope you have a great day 🌼
@Kylliee I appreciate you so much for this Kylie, thank you. I really needed this.🎈
And I've got a real problem with being too independent. Asking for help just feels impossible to me. I know it's an issue, and I'm trying to work on it. It's weird because I can see how it affects my life. I struggle with the simplest things, just because I won't reach out. Even when I know someone could easily help, I still can't bring myself to ask. It's like there's this wall inside me that I can't break through. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I realize I need to find a way to balance things out