I am constantly thinking up rituals.... that will save me from something terrible...I realize with my mind that it will not help, but I do the rituals...It goes automatically...How would I get rid of it.... For example, when I start to feel anxious, I get compulsive hand tics. You can see it. And the anxiety gets less. I realize it has nothing to do with my anxiety decreasing, but the tics are there. And it doesn't look good on people. I have a habit of not stepping on cracks and manholes. When I see a coin lying on the ground, I have a fear that I will have a bad day. If I met a woman in the morning . it would also be a bad day...My nervous tics manifest themselves while driving...I get very nervous on the road...I even skinned my first steering wheel . Someone chews on my legs, and I rip off the steering wheel...It was in a foam cover, and I was at a stoplight, and I forged "holes" in it. something instead of a soft toy. My "ragged" steering wheel looked like an "experienced" steering wheel and made, oddly enough, a good impression on women. Because I had "scratched" the car many times, I polished it many times. and my car looked very good. Outside of the shen there is no way you could tell it was the car of someone who is afraid and doesn't know how to drive. Lately, I've developed a "wheel neurosis". I started to fear that my wheels would fall off when I was driving. And this is in my 8th year of driving experience. It's a very difficult condition for me because I'm really afraid of getting into an accident. I'd drive out and start listening. I'd hear a thump. And that's it, my neurosis begins. I had images of myself flying into an oncoming car, then a scone from the car...and I started pounding. So I went to a couple of repair shops. And there was done everything they could do to take money from me. But I heard a thump. I changed a bunch of parts that hold and spin the wheel. For a while I was feeling better. At home, I listened to wheel knocking on the internet for various faults (there is such a site), and searched for my wheel. I did not know that I had "musical hearing", I never sang or played musical instruments. At the mother's room, they took me for a fool at first. Then they respected me when they found a broken bearing (next to the tire). Then I decided to buy a perfectly new tire so it wouldn't "rustle". because mine was worn down unevenly. After that I had a nervous breakdown. I drove away from the workshop and heard a strong "rustling". I told my wife that the wheels had been badly put on, apparently. She said, "It's just your imagination." So I drove down the street. It was a big bang, I was pounding. I stopped, I looked at the wheels, nothing outside... I was wet with sweat, fear, and I already realized that here we go! It's time for the wheels to fall off...And then my wife started laughing...and the rumbling disappeared. by the way. "Look, the labels from the wheels have fallen off"-said she....Oh, yes...big labels with the price and other things were glued on the tread of the wheels...the service workers did not take them off...and I heard the paper hitting the road surface.... My wife says I'm sick...and I don't know...but I'll go again tomorrow and listen to the wheels.....

"I have been struggling with a lot of fear and anxiety. I used to be very afraid of many things. In my workplace, I experienced bullying from some people, which made my anxiety worse. I often feel unhappy and can't stop thinking about the negative things they said and did to me. Even when I'm trying to sleep, my mind keeps replaying those moments. I know logically that they have no real power over me, but it still affects me deeply.

This situation has been going on for a long time and has caused me several issues, such as:

- Poor memory

- Constant stress and anxiety

- Unhappiness

- Lack of inner peace

- Chest pain sometimes or squeezing

I tried focusing on other things to distract myself, but it hasn't worked. I feel very sad and upset whenever I remember the bullying and negative comments. I need help to manage these feelings and improve my mental health."

Hi everyone, I came to this site to tell my story, maybe it will help someone. This is my experience of overcoming fears. The thing is that I was very afraid to drive a car. No, the words "very afraid" do not convey my condition at all. I was shaking behind the wheel. A lot of people run to get their license as soon as they turn 18. I didn't. My parents kept telling me, "how many accidents? You'll be safe." Or "look how the neighbor crashed the car", "here, she has a head injury, and now she's sick, and if she hadn't driven the car, she'd be in one piece". And it was imprinted in my head that "a car is scary, an accident, disability". I was also told that I was "inattentive", "it's very difficult to drive a car". And I was afraid. Every year the need to drive increased. So I decided to get my license. I asked my father to teach me how to drive, and I was told no, "It's dangerous." I asked my husband to teach me to drive a little bit at a time. To which I got a "you can't handle it...and you'll delete the car" refusal. I don't remember exactly what the "last straw" was, but I decided to study for my license "secretly". I paid for a driving school and started attending classes. I learned the theory quickly. But when the practice of driving began, I started to have fears. I remembered everything that I was told "you can't do it, it's hard"....

I was shaking while driving, I was paralyzed by fear and I really couldn’t. The instructor told me and another guy that we were the worst. Moreover, when we started training in a city where there was a lot of traffic, I was afraid of cars. Everyone. It seemed to me that they would definitely come at me. Or I'm on them. Large or expensive cars were especially scary. Because a big car is a potential death

Due to panic while driving, I did not listen to the instructor. The instructor considered himself very experienced, and his pride was greatly affected by the fact that he could not teach me. In the morning, he told me that when he saw that the first student on his schedule was me, he assessed his day as unsuccessful. I told him that he was probably a bad teacher. Angry, he told me “I will teach you, no matter what it costs me.” He explained that I needed to remove the “barrier”.

When I started driving in the car, we continued to argue about whether he was a good teacher. During the argument, I became angry, and it no longer mattered to me whether I was afraid or not. I was all in this argument. At some point, the instructor said admiringly, “look how well you rode,” when you’re angry, you forget about fear. I myself was surprised that this was so. Yes, he was right, I drove and was not afraid, I went through all the turns. At this point, I got a call from work asking me to come over right away. I hurried off and asked my driving instructor to drive me. And he said no. I got angry, so I drove myself. I was only thinking that I had to get there as soon as possible, there was no fear, because my mind was dominated by "hurry to work". At the intersection, I looked at the instructor and saw that he was happy. "You are driving very well! You see, when you really have to go somewhere, you are not afraid", he said. He was smiling and satisfied. I can say that breaking my fear barrier was helped by my anger. When I was angry, there was no fear. But that doesn't mean I didn't work on the residual slight fear of driving later on. But I'll write about that another time)

So first things, This will be really long. I am really sorry about that and will be really thankfull if someone know the answer to my problem.

My name is Aldi, you can call me smam or aldi. I am 21 years old and currently doing thesis at my bachelor degree and have full time job + side job + enterpreneurship or building business with other people. I am the youngest from my brothers and i have 3 brothers, my family is kinda poor so i need to work extra hard to fullfill me and my family needs.

From primary school, I'll always getting bullied. In primary school i am getting bullied because i am really bad at sport, cant socialize much, and didn't really want to do bad things. There's only some people bully me tho but the bullying comes with physical (punching, kicking, etc) and verbal type. But i still got a really good friend, i still remember how kind he is and one time he teach me how to punch properly too but i never have the courage to do that before. I always hoping that primary school year will be done, then come middle school years. In the middle school i got much bigger problem, i have even less friend and the bully comes in group now. I still remember that the bully group will always wait me after school to do stuff you know what will happen, day by day i either rush to go home quickly or go out with the teacher. I always saying thanks to the teacher and the teacher looks really confused. Some of the time i got ganged up too, got punched in the gut, it really hurts. My only peace time in middle school is when i got into academic competition, my school will teach me in different room when class time so i dont need to attend class and meet with the bully group. Thankfully i am really good at mathematic so about 1/4 to half of my middle school time is spent on the special class for special student to learn for the competition. But thinking back i think i joinned up the competition so i dont get bullyed, but yeah day by day is like hell when i am in normal class and really hoping for middle school years to pass. To this year i still remember the name of the one who bully me, sometimes i search the leader who bully me, or the one who bully me. Most of the time i dont find their profile in internet, some ignore my chat, few people just said its in the past and it doesn't matter. It really hurts and haunt me sometime, to add some salt in the wound. I have friend in the middle school, but they betrayed me because they are afraid to get bullied to if they are become my friend. In high school, the difficulty seems to be lowered in a sense, except the lower difficulty is a fake. The bully still takes in group, but i managed to get some friends that want to talk and befriend with me, most of the time in school they hang out with the bully group but some time they have a nice chat with me. It's looks like a good time to me, until i found out its all a lie. The teacher hate me because i am strange and to strict (maybe because i dont want to do bad stuff, maybe because the teacher feel that handling one people is easier), my friend talk bad behind me when i am not in class, ect. I feel really betrayed, I dont even know who is my friend anymore and how to find a good friend. things maybe easier in the pyhsical bullying department compared to the middle school, but damn it is hurt in my heart.

You all maybe asking, why did stand idle or didnt ask for help? I do ask for help, a lot of time in fact. When i ask for my parent help, they only come to school and told the bully nicely (literally) to stop bully me. And you know what happen? it become worse because i am called a snitch and the bully become more aggressive. asking a teacher will result in the same stuff happening, either they told the bully or both of us going in discussion with teacher in middle one time then next day i got bullied more. Once my parent said for me to ask the bully forgiveness myself to stop bully me, but hell its only got worse. Lot of time people said to ignore the verbal bullying, I can ignore it but there is a cost to that and i will explain it later. Fighting off myself is impossible because they gank in group, my only saving grace is when i got separated because i need to study for competition.

In home, its not really a good place too. I must always yield/give in everytime, when i have a problem with my brother then i need to be the one to say sorry or they wont talk to me (my parent said that) then i need to kneel down and say sorry to them. My brother always got supported more for their school needs, When i make money then i need to pay for their necessities too. Last time i got in a fight with my brother, it is getting heated then my parents become sick because they are embarassed if neighbour heard our fight. So i need to backdown but my brother keep badmouthing me saying i am a thief ect. If you want the context, the internet package got depleted really fast and my brother have the tendency to blame others. I give every proof that when i use the wifi or i am not using the wifi (because i am not home and working far from home) and the internet package get depleted fast too. But my parents always ask me to back down and be patient. Right and wrong become gray to me, if being bad have no consequences and become more happy then why should i be good? why should i the one to back down? but yeah thats only one example of the problem.

For my university days, the first and second semester is really busy because orientation so not much stuff happening. In the second semester covid comes then everything become online so nothing interesting happen (maybe if covid not coming i will be bullied again?). Online classes keep happening till my last year, i only need to be patient at home and honestly its better than in school because i am not having problem with my brother everytime. Its just for my thesis, i need to do it by 3 people team. I choose my own member, the first one is my personal friend (yeah stupid me, i dont know if he is really my friend but i am having good time gaming with him) and the other one is someone who is really good at my thesis topic. Because i am always failing and need to take extra step and really cautious then i always plan ahead and choosing best member. I do the 60-80% part of the thesis and the rest is divided between my other member, i provided the necessary tool out of my pocket money even though i am really hard on money too so they can do their task easily. but what happen? THEY IGNORED ME FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, i got really depressed because i need to graduate so my salary will increase and i hopefully theres some money left for me to enjoy (thats right, every month i always out of money because my parents will always ask for it like for my brother necessities). My brother didnt even have a job, they always ask for money then go out from home to look for job (its just empty words). But stupidly my parents always believe it and they got so much in debt because my brother sweet words. FYI my brother is 35+ years old now and they dont have a single job experience, they always get supported but i dont because i can fill my own necessities. Like i know i can fullfill my own necessities but its still really hard to see when my brother got provided with money but i need to work my ass off to pay for my college. FYI again My 2nd and 3rd brother is 35 years old with no experience and my 1st brother is 38 years old with full time experience but he got cancer and i need to help for paying the treatment too.

The problem i said above is just a glimpse of it, most of the time i always failed or the odds is stacked again me so i need to plan ahead and being extra carefull. Even though like that i still get screwed off sometime like my thesis that currently happening. My enterpreneurship with my friend where my friend work less and didnt answer my chat, I want to cut off the partnership but i still got a client that need to be done because my name is on it (hell the client is really slow too to provide what i need to finish the project).

Now lets talk what i feel and my problem is:

1. I am having a hard time trusting people
2. Got a bad dream sometime about the bad stuff happening to me like bullying and waking up really tired.
3. Can't smile because i always put poker face when i got verbally bullied.
4. Got really cold attitude and dont have any feeling, when my friend in primary school got an accident i didnt feel anything but i know that i must feel something because he is my friend. My oldest brother got cancer but i still dont feel any remorse at all.
5. Having anxiety, low self-esteem, closing my eyes and cant look at people when i speak, my legs and body really shaking when talking to people especially group of people.thats strange tho because i am a leader type in my job so i cant have these traits
6. Having really negative though, like i think that dying is better because i wont get any problem at all. Logically thats true, but on the one side i must keep living and never give up plus my religion said suicide is not allowed.
7. Envy when looking people happy, I dont know why its just i want to have a good childhood and life like them.
8. Got confused and self conflicting a lot.
9. My emotion is always jumping high and low, but i always keep it to my self and not showing it. Other people wont like it when i got mad right? but i am really happy when i do gaming and stuff i like.
10. Right now i am procastinating for my thesis, I need to do my thesis. but the stuff that left to be finished is the side that i am not really good at (designing stuff and learning new stuff), it should be where my two friend shine and good at. I try to learn it but sometime i lost motivation or my head hurts, but i need to do my thesis so my salary will Increase.

Someone, anyone please help. I really want to talk to therapy but i always self conflicting, on one side its really pricey and on one side i need to know a way to solve my problem. Hope someone can help me. I am really thankfull if you read it this far, and even more thankfull if you can give me some thought. Thanks!