I have been having palpitations frequently alive last week. though I have always had them since I was in high school but it has increased lately. I feel nervous trying things out when someone is beside me or when people are around me. I work in the hospital and when I am alone I perform my work better without making mistakes but when someone is beside me like a junior colleague who I am meant to put through things I mess everything up and end up making lots of mistakes making me look like a fool in front of them. These days I am not motivated to do anything around new people. These palpitations just keep coming and I feel like my heart will pop out. I am also of scared of going to the hospital to do a medical checkup because I am not prepared to get any diagnosis right now. I don't think I can really handle it if I am told I have a heart disease or what not.

Do you think I am exhibiting signs of anxiety or I am just overthinking

Please what can I do

Should I seek professional help

This may seem too long to read but I am helpless and hopeless so just trying if any one can give me good perfect advice according to what I am dealing with or how can I get back into life being successful , earn money , that feeling of being loved again. I am completely new to sharing what I am suffering so don't mind if I seem too idiotic or stupid but that is how I feel. Mostly I think it has been my mistakes only because you can't blame anyone else if you have made your life not worth living because a lot of people suffer much more and they still stand tall. I don't know but I am suffering every day and just desperately want to get out of this stage of my life which has been too long. So writing here in just a ray of hope that someone will read this and understand and then give me some advice or atleast some consolation that things it still get better.

So here is the whole story :-

I am from India. And I used to be a very bright student in my school days. Always used to score better than almost everyone till the time I fell for a girl. Yeah it should not have happened but it did because I was a idiot. So after I fell for a girl who was too beautiful lovely and she had all the qualities ticked. We were into a relationship for almost 4 years. Just before my high school board exams she broke up with me. There was no cheating or seeing someone else. It was also not that we fell out of love for each other. It was just that we were not able to meet each other quite often because of coaching classes and all. But we used to talk over phone and texted each other a lot. That not meeting quite often started to create problems between us because it was that thing which always used to clear any fights or anything else from our relationship equation. Then that distance grew and the fights started more and more and she broke up with me before the high school board exams. She loved me and I loved her a lot too but somehow I was not left capable enough after breakup to study for the exams.

And then started my downfall. I failed in my board exams because I was not able to study. I did not cared for anything which was happening that time. All in my mind was just her.

I started drinking smoking which I never even thought of. Then she left for another city for college. She somehow realised her mistakes too and she wanted to get back with me. She also gave a lot of signs that she wants to get back with me. But there was this thing which I felt guilty about always from the day I knew it. It was that somehow when we used to kiss and get too close few of those times I got too excited and ended up with upsetting her. I knew that I did wrong but all this with the growing distance between us made her slightly hate me I guess or just angry.

That excitement thing never was the issue when she got into college and tried to get back with me again but that guilt never left me that I have hurt that one who I loved most after my parents. Even if it was not a big issue. So I always thought even when she tried to get back with me that I will end up upsetting her only. Also I was too much into self depressing mode that I didn't even noticed her signs of let's get back together. Now after a year or so she got busy and settled well into the new city so made friends and all but we always used to be in touch. Sometimes we used to call and chat with each other. Also whenever she used to come back in a year we used to meet every year.

After a gap of year I also started engineering course but she was always in my mind. I used to think that once I will get better I will tell her everything. And which I did but then it was too late.

Now starts the real downfall in my life.

The thing which gave me hope all those years was gone now. So now I started smoking pot day night anytime. Same with alcohol. Then came hard drugs.

I spent all my parents hard earned money on these things which were not making me better but on the contrary I was drowning. Drowning in guilt shame and also the effects which I was having with the heavy usage of those drugs.

College ended and I ended too with no job.

Then I quit all of it for months and tried to take control of my life. Get a job earn money gain confidence which got so low because of the drugs and all the feelings in which I was not interested anymore. Needless to say even though I got opportunities to get a gf again I was not over her so I did not even tried to get to say even yes to anyone.

Then again started a period of heavy drug abuse.

Relapses happened again and again because whenever I got sober I started getting dreams almost on a daily basis of her. I was not able to feel good any day because I always used to think what has happened should not have happened etc and needless to say I already was recovering from heavy drug abuse.

Now as I am sharing this I am fully sober for few months now but still with those dreams of her or where I am in my life suffering with no job no money even though I am 27 now. Low self esteem low confidence. She has got someone in her life who is very good looking and successful and she seems to be in perfect love story now. All I can think of is how I can get things to make work for me now ? How am I going to get my pride my confidence back ? How am I going to get fit again ? How am I going to get a good job ?

Just hopeless and full of despair is the condition of my life. Although it has been since a lot of years but the drugs used to get a escape route to me which I don't want now. But I want to see myself get back in life. Everything I had a dream of I want to fulfill those. But how ? Just how ?

If anyone is kind enough to read till the end and even think that I am a fool idiot dumba** which you are right I was, can you give some advices ? Help me out to get me help myself.

If you even read till the end I am very thankful to you.

Hello everyone. am unsure how to handle the situation. There is one man in my department who is consistently rude and condescending. This person has a habit of speaking down to others and has even yelled at a female coworker on several occasions for making minor mistakes. Last week I placed a piece of paper on a box in a manner that he didn't approve of, and he raised his voice and threw the paper on the floor. He is incredibly particular and frequently nitpicks over minor issues that are not even mistakes.

I feel worried about returning to work tomorrow as I must interact with him daily. Although I do not believe he will harm me, my brain has labeled him as a potential threat, and I fear he will make my job unbearable.

I love my mother, I really do. But, she is never there and we don't even leave together.

With no explanation I went to leave with my aunt when I was 15years. But, basically I have been moved from different households amongst her siblings. Which has left me feeling isolated, different and in a way like I do not belong.

I understand all the work she had to put in, in raising me on her own. How hard and lonely it might had been for her. But, she barricaded herself in work until we lost touch. Making matters worse, I kinda work for her, so the only thing we talk about is work or the different ministers she'd like for me to watch on telly.

I wish that she would love me, hug me and just be a mother to me. I try to hug but she pushes me away. She doesn't even like it when I visit her. Once I visited her and she never even spoke to me. Yet, I keep on trying but every time I visit her I end up feeling worse than I felt before visiting her.

We have lost touch.

She wanted to be a nun before having me, knowing this, makes me feel like I am a mistake. But, I console myself with the fact that God had a plan for me before she conceived me.

I mentioned that I kinda work for her this is due to the fact that I work but don't get paid because she claims that she doesn't have the money to pay me, despite that all the other employees under her get paid.

She also yells at me, discourages me and from I started existing has never cared about what goes on with my life.

But, I still do love her and wish that we would live together.