I was raped at 14 by the boyfriend of my elder sister. Add the unfortunate events that I feel just keeps on following me all my life. Like being in a car accident at 17 and losing my right eye so now I have a scar and an artificial eye.
And I have been suicidal Since ai was 15.
Almost succeeded on my try at the age of 26
Sought help at the age of 40 when I found out my ex husband was having an affair for 2 years.
It was one of the toughest as all that was running in my mind was ways to end my life and I started self harming so I decided to seek help because I was not able to control it anymore and I felt that I was gonna stop until I kill myself.
I medicated at that time
I stopped after a month because I was scared of how the meds made me feel
It made me numb
No feeling at all
No sympathy or empathy no sadness no nothing
It felt like i was a zombie that I'm alive but no feelings or emotions at all
After that ai think I have managed my depression and self harm thoughts
Now it's been a roller coaster ride since then.
There are good days and the worst days
The down days
I think only people who struggle with the same thing knows and understands this
The down days vary
Some down days are manageable but honestly some are just so freakin difficult to manage
And nobody understands
Which makes it more difficult to get through
Like it's never gonna end
And I just don't wanna wake up anymore
All I pray of is to not wake up anymore
I'm so tired
I just want life to stop
I feel so alone and isolated
The feeling that why do we even try to live when really it doesn't really matter to anyone
Why live
Why struggle
Why do waht you can with all your might if nobody really cares and it doesn't matter if ai live or die
What's the point
it seems like he wants you to make the tough choice, because he's feeling guilty to make his own. he admitted that he had trouble living 10 hrs away, but you're worried about this as well..and he guilt-traps YOU? hell nah! not nice of him at all
I agree with the comment above. He's trying to manipulate you into making the difficult decision so he doesn't have to be 'the bad guy' (there's no bad guy in the situation). You've been together for 11 years, which is a significant investment of time, but that doesn't mean you should sacrifice your happiness and comfort just to keep things going. The fact that he doesn't want you to talk to friends about this is a red flag, he's isolating you from potential support systems. Both of you have valid feelings about wanting to be close to family, but his unwillingness to compromise while expecting you to make all the sacrifices is concerning
What I'm seeing in here are several concerning elements that go beyond the surface-level location dispute. There's the communication pattern, having this conversation over the phone rather than in person suggests avoidance of difficult emotions
The attempt to control information flow by asking you not to discuss with friends indicates potential manipulation and isolation tactics
The use of guilt ("throwing 11 years down the toilet") is a form of emotional blackmail.
Also, the complete unwillingness to explore compromise solutions while expecting you to make all the sacrifices shows a lack of partnership mindset. These are all red flags that need to be addressed, regardless of the ultimate decision about location
A healthy relationship involves open communication, mutual respect, willingness to compromise, and support for each other's emotional needs, including the need for family connection
Hi! It's me again. I'm sorry your bf told you that to you! That's a harsh thing to say to someone you love 😢 What outcome do you see from this situation?
@MAX I just don’t know. I’m afraid if it dosent work out I’ll be all alone forever. Like I’ll be cursed or something
@megan kohler whaaat? No!! You won't be alone forever, but I do get that fear tho, but know that's definitely not rational, your brain is just plain trick on you. You might be alone for some time after a breakup, but that's not a bad thing. The right person will come along, I'm sure. I believe that we need to let go of our past to bring in the new opportunities, the better ones!
IMO you need to stand firm in your decisions. Your feelings matter too. True partnership means finding solutions together, not blaming you. Long-term happiness requires honoring our core values. Wanting to stay near family isn't unreasonable. That seems that you have a very different goals in life. You know, our choices shape our future path. Being true to yourself guides the way forward. Love means accepting different life paths
Living far from family changes everything - holidays, emergencies, daily support, and those precious spontaneous moments. Distance impacts relationships in ways we can't always predict. Moving away means rebuilding your entire support system from scratch, are you ready for that step? If so, it seems like you are the one who has to compromise. If you are not ready for it, then it's time to split up
Consider the practical and emotional aspects of such a significant change. Think about both short-term adjustments and long-term implications. What seems like a simple location choice affects every aspect of life. Your need for family proximity is valid and important. Consider how this decision might affect your mental health and emotional well-being
Creating a fulfilling life means honoring our core needs. Think about your daily routines and how they would change. Think about your career prospects in different locations. Factor in travel costs and time for family visits. Also, family dynamics often change with distance. Consider how holidays and traditions would be affected. Factor in the emotional cost of missing family milestones
@Carter I know that moving that far away would be very bad for my mental health. Even my therapist said so. At the same time, I feel like the bad guy because I don’t wanna live that far.
@megan kohler but why do you feel like a bad guy? Your boyfriend wants the same things as you and has no guilt about it. You need to stand up for yourself for real, and make a decision for yourself
@Tracy Wright that's really interesting! But don't you think there's a big difference between choosing to move away versus feeling forced to move? I've seen lots of relationships fall apart because one person had to compromise too much. The person who moves ends up resenting their partner, especially if they're giving up their support system. Did you ever feel lonely during those first few months? How did you handle holidays and family emergencies?
@Carter I totally get what you're saying! I actually moved to a different country three years ago, and wow, it really changed everything. I used to be in this relationship that wasn't great for me, and moving away helped me see things clearly. At first, I was super scared about being far from my family, I mean, who wouldn't be? But honestly, it turned out to be exactly what I needed. Sure, I miss the random coffee dates with my mom and quick visits to my sister's place. But I've grown so much as a person. I learned to be independent, made new friends, and built my own life. Video calls and yearly visits became our new normal. The distance helped me figure out who I really am without everyone's input. Looking back, staying in my hometown would've kept me stuck in old patterns
@Carter You make some really good points, and I agree! The first few months were tough, I won't lie. I cried during my first Christmas away, and missed my nephew's first steps. But here's the thing - I chose this for myself, which made a huge difference. When you're forced to move, it's totally different. I had to learn to create my own traditions and build a new community. Now I host Thanksgiving for other "stranded" friends, and it's become something special. But you're right about emergencies, when my dad had his surgery, being far away was really hard. I think the key is that both people need to want the change, not just accept it
What's stopping you from walking away, rather than feeling guilty?
@prettysusan295 We have been together for about 11 years and I do love and care about him but I feel like I’m changing. I have different goals and dreams than he does plus different beliefs. I feel like the bad guy for wanting to live my own life yet at the same time I don’t want him completely out of my life. It’s just complicated
@megan kohler It's okay to outgrow the relationship, especially after 11 years, especially since you started young. Your different goals, dreams, and beliefs are significant factors that shouldn't be ignored. Don't feel guilty about wanting to prioritize your own needs and staying close to your fam. Holding on too tight to what's familiar can prevent us from growing into who we're meant to become. Have you considered that maybe the reason you don't want him completely out of your life is because you're afraid of the unknown? Change is scary, I understand
Life has a way of showing us our true priorities when faced with tough decisions. Living authentically means making choices that align with your values. It's okay to prioritize yourself, no matter what. Relationships thrive when both partners feel heard and respected, and I feel like you don't. Unfortunately, growth sometimes means letting go of what no longer serves us
Hey OP, I've been in almost this exact situation and I can tell you from experience, don't let anyone pressure you into moving away from your loved ones if you're not comfortable with it. Don't leave behind the people that you love and care about.
I did that for my ex and ended up completely isolated, depressed, and eventually had to move back home anyway after we broke up, because the relationship became unbearable. The fact that he's trying to make YOU feel guilty while simultaneously admitting he wouldn't do the same thing is hypocritical af. Also, relationships shouldn't be measured by time invested, that's just sunk cost fallacy. You need to think about what's best for YOUR future, not just what will keep the relationship going
Coming from someone who moved 15 hours away from family for work—it's HARD. Like, really really hard. FaceTime and phone calls are great but they're not the same as being able to pop over for Sunday dinner or be there for important moments. Your boyfriend needs to understand that this isn't just your preference—it's the quality of your life The fact that he doesn't want you talking to friends about this major life decision is concerning as well