Post
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branson67134
1y ago

Can't pinpoint a single problem. There are lots of issues.

THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.




I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).


To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.


Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.


I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.


Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.


Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).


Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.


Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).

But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.


I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?


I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.




A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.  


Specialist answer
Our free therapy courses to cope with problems
Dr. Elisabeth Jones
1y
Specialist

Hello! Let’s discuss your situation step-by-step. First, I would like to write about your ex-girlfriend and your love towards her. It is wonderful that you had an opportunity to experience such strong feelings and feel real love. But now your relationship is over and you have to move on. Ask yourself why you’ve stuck emotionally in the past. What keeps you there? You say that you’re afraid of facing reality. But what is wrong with your reality? What is so scary and terrible about it that you don’t want to accept it? Also I would recommend (although I know you won’t like the idea) that you stop communicating with your ex-girlfriend. While you keep in touch with her, subconsciously you are hoping to get her back, but judging by what you wrote it’s impossible. Thus instead of accepting the reality in which you are actually no longer in this relationship, you keep living an illusion that she will come back. You should understand that it was her choice and you can’t change it. You can’t force anyone to love you.

Then you say that you’re mad at yourself because your peers managed to achieve so much while you didn’t. I can give you a very simple recommendation here. The only person you should compare yourself to is the person that you were yesterday. Notice only your personal progress. People have different initial conditions, different resources and possibilities, so some people achieve things easily, some not. Comparing yourself to others is a definitely losing position, because there are people who are more successful and wealthier. The main thing here is that you’re trying to reach your goal. Moreover each of us has our own path, so stop trying to meet the basic standards. You say that you feel like a loser. Undoubtedly, you have the right to experience any emotions. But speaking objectively, you did a great job and you should be proud of yourself. First, you managed to survive an awful breakup with your ex-girlfriend. Second, you managed to stop taking drugs. By the way, did you know that only 10% of people refuse taking drugs and get back to normal sober life? You are among these 10% and this is what you should be proud of. But the most important thing here is that you made a decision to change your life and try to achieve your goals. You’ve been through tough times, so now it’s time to start a more constructive chapter of your life. And you’re doing great so far! Good luck to you!

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aati
1y

Life will get back on track , just put all your energy on career now . It happens to a lot of us that we are left behind due to one reason or other , but you should give yourself a chance that maybe you have different timeline than others to achieve your goals , but you will reach there .

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fida
1y

@branson67134

i cant stop crying reading this

i am also a 27 year old electronics engineer from India with bare minimum skills currently doing certifications to fill my carrer gap.

i feel like we are living the same life but in different bodies!!!!!! i have regular dreams about him too. my career gap is worrying me every single second, feels like my life would have been entirely different if i hadnt met him, this is craaazy how our stories sound the same. i hope both of us find peace (and a job) asap.

i am reading your post over and over again

i can feel your tears and pain in the chest

i try to study every now and then anf it feels like my brain has stopped functioning

only diffrence between us would be i never tried smoking and drinking and drugs as im a girl with 2 friends and never stepped out of my room

i wish we could be friends cause none of my friends seems to understand me


this might sound really weird and i am not sure if you will ever come across my comment but can we plan and study together

only like some sort of accountability partners

you can ignore if you felt uncomfortable

but please reply if you are interested because i m super tired of crying comparing myself to my batchmates and peers and collegues progress

i am really shy to ask for this favour from you but i am looking forward to your reply because i am that much desperate.


please find me at deathbed_regrets on instagram

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branson67134
1y
Author

@aati Yes, I am trying. I am trying to be positive and think exactly like what you have said. Everyone has their own timelines. Also giving up is not an option. I am also trying to give whatever I can.


It's just that after everything that has happened you start to think is it even possible now or not? That day when you will feel happiness, contempt in your life, achieve what you always dreamed of even after going through this much pain and struggle or that day will never come? But it is how it is.


Thank you so much for even reading and you tried to give hope. It means a lot. You are a good person.

I suggest you should not give up too. Because in the end we already have lost so much. We should at least try and it is the only thing which is in our hands now. Rest is upto God and our destiny or fate whatever you call it.


God Bless You! I wish you to achieve everything you have always wanted to.

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branson67134
1y
Author

@fida I had never thought of finding someone who is dealing with almost the same situation which I have been going through. Even in my wildest dreams. But here is someone who feels almost exactly the same and understands what it is like (please don't cry). This really is crazy.


I too hope we get what everyone deserves. Success, happiness, peace and everything else whatever we had planned for.

You made me feel numb really. How can someone relate so much with me? But Thank God I got someone who knows exactly what it is like to be in these shoes.


It is not like I wanted someone to feel like this because I know very well what it is like to be here in this whole situation made only by yourself because in the end you can't blame anyone else. It is always you yourself only. But it is a lot to deal with when everyone around you is getting what they dreamed of and you, because of your few bloody mistakes, are living a life of misery. Aging up but nowhere close to whatever you had thought of. Always sad and depressed. And too much pain.  


I am just speechless. You are saying everything that I wanted to. 


And yes, of course we can be friends. It really is a great idea. What can be better than someone who feels you, is also on the same boat and is trying like you to swim through the ocean of challenges. I had deactivated my Instagram, Facebook etc but I am going to send you a request. And yeah it is not weird at all. Also I can understand why you or even me (if I was in your place replying to your comments) will feel shy. Chill. No worries.


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fida
1y

@brandson67134


Thank you so much for understanding. I will be waiting.

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samantha04453
1y

Hey Brandon!

Hang on there, don’t give up ever.

keep on running the race with tears with pain and you might even fall, but just run.

I wish you the best! I know you will do great:)

i can connect to your story too! Even though I’m younger than you , but yeah life happens to everyone.

I won’t go to details because it’s not about me, but I’m here to encourage you. Learn more, be gentle to yourself, normalise mistakes, show love towards your mom(I’m sure she’ll be happy).

life is hard but make it easy.

sometimes I live too much for other and care what other think, I realised I’m not living I’m in slavery of stress and loneliness.

but we will make it!!! 💪🏻

again I wish you the best of the best, much love and strength from this side of the world.

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branson67134
1y
Author

Hey Samantha!


You are absolutely right to not give up, keep on running even with tears and pain. Because also it is the only option left now.


It is so I mean I can't describe this feeling but let's say it is so nice to know that somehow you feel connected to my story too. And you too would have read the replies I guess and I really wish all these replies should have made you feel somewhat motivated too. Also you are so correct that life happens to everyone so being younger does not mean you can't feel what it is like.


You really encouraged me. But it is not like you can't share what you are going through or what you have gone through with me (I can only say for myself). Ofcourse, if you are okay with it. I would like to hear you talk to you.


And you know what not everyone can live thinking about others and want to do their bit. Whatever it may be. Only a good soul can do this. And you, my friend, are one. But you should not stress yourself out thinking what others are thinking because opinions don't end.


Life really is hard and even more for us when we have a lot on our plate. I do hope and really wish that things get better for you.


Also do know that if you want to I am here to talk at least I will try my bit to do good for you.


I too wish you all the luck and pray for your success, happiness and everything you are entitled to. I will say again, if you want to share I am here. You can. Anywhere I mean not only in this application. We can talk on other platforms too. But it is your wish and your decision only.  


Lots of love and strength to you too from a friend of India. Take care. We will make it. We need to keep our hopes alive. ❤


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rhowelli
1y

Honestly, it was hard to read everything. But it was so necessary. Thank you for writing, thank you to everyone who answered. I would never have thought that someone has the same problems as me.

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branson67134
1y
Author

@rhowelli Hey!

I am glad you were here. You read everything and it made you somewhat relaxed. And brought atleast hope to not give up. 


Yeah, it was so hard writing this also but I am happy that people like you have connected to this. And in a way, me and the people who commented were able to help somehow. I feel good.


I too never thought that people will feel connected to my story. But it is very soothing to know that there are others too who are like me in this kind of fight. 


Thank you for reading. I hope it brought you some sense of peace, positivity, courage and hope atleast. 


God Bless You! And may you get everything in life. 


Lots of love and success to you. 

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