It’s been better lately. Not happy, but also not pure misery as before. I can push through and do most things. I do it on autopilot: get up, go out with the dog, feed myself and the dog. Existence doesn’t feel so pointless anymore, since I managed to accomplish small daily routines.
I’m slowly preparing my resume to search for a part-time job. I still see no hopes for the future, given that I’m 48, have no career, and can barely cope with the minimum that most other people don’t even consider work. I don’t care about life enough to actually live. The very thought that I’ve wasted 7 years of my life on depression torments me like nothing else. And since November I’ve been having passive suicidal thoughts. I don’t actually plan to do anything about it, it just became another sick trait of mine. When I get out of bed and think of the few things I must do, like shopping or taking my laptop to repairs, the next thought that flashes through my mind is, “I don’t want to, I should just die”. But I make myself do it anyway. These thoughts demotivate me and make it even harder to complete my daily tasks, and if I don’t do at least 2-3 things I had in mind for the day, I feel completely useless, and it fuels that slimy tiny voice whispering that I shouldn’t be alive. I suspect it’s because I can’t seem to find the drive to live. I’m killing myself without actually doing it, and I don't know how much longer I’ll be able to go on like this. It’s an endless cycle, and the worst part is that these thoughts just got stuck in my head and won't go away.
Sorry for dumping this on you, kind strangers
