Hello and thank you for sharing this! We are a very supportive community of strangers :)

I think it’s important not to ignore your thoughts. They are there, and by trying to silence them you’re doing the opposite. Depression is a joy-wrecker, and unfortunately there’s no magic pill that can make it go away. I think you should try to understand what has led up to your suicidal thoughts and the feelings of hopelessness. I really recommend consulting a licensed therapist that can work with you and uncover the hidden, subconscious things in your mind, which may help you get rid of those suicidal thoughts once and for all. Also, don’t believe you are useless. For someone battling depression, even getting up and making breakfast is a major accomplishment. The fact that you are trying to get better is worth a million, and if tomorrow you’ll feel even 5% better than the previous day, consider it a win. I hope that things turn around for you 💚

I just want to say that you really matter. Regardless of how small or insignificant you think your daily achievements are, you matter, and you are loved. Damn, your dog won’t survive without you, right?!

I was in your shoes once. Very nearly took my own life, but my loving family saved me from myself. Trust me, this is a temporary situation. I very much advise you to speak to your doctor about suicidal thoughts. They’ll choose the right medication. It won’t likely cure the depression, but it will help with intrusive thoughts. It’s wonderful that you can notice some positive changes, I assume, you’re already on medications. Things do get better. It’s a good idea to find a job, let it be something easy at first, something to begin with. For me, a large part of my depression stemmed from sitting at home every day and doing nothing. Focus on your daily routines. You can do this! You can achieve all the impossible things one day, don’t give up.

You’ll feel the change when you manage those dark ruminations. Reasoning yourself out of negative thoughts is difficult, so don’t do it on your own. Seek professional help, even a free or an affordable one is better than nothing. You’ll have to go to the bottom of it. Even if it seems to you now there’s no clear reason for your depression, it’s not true. There’s always a reason. Don’t be afraid to challenge your mind. Once you address the cause, it’ll give you something to hold on to. That drive you’re lacking now, it will return eventually. Meanwhile, show yourself the same patience and kindness you’d show someone you care about.

Hey, healing is a process to be endured. Remind yourself that you’re not in a fully healthy state to think about your future yet. Whenever you feel hopeless or self-hating, just tell yourself that it’s induced by your depression that’s still lingering in the shadows. Once that chemical imbalance in your brain is gone, you’ll find your way to optimism, new dreams and healthy wishes. You will enjoy life soon, just hold on a bit more!

@ALT I’m already medicated for depression, and I see a psychiatrist once in two months. To be honest, I’m not giving up, I'm just tired of existing like that. I hope I’ll be able to find a job, though after all these years I don’t even know how to explain the gap in my resume...

@Just another zombie.. Thanks, it’s true. The lock screen on my phone is a picture of me hugging my retriever. Makes me happy every time I look at it. On the low days I think she’s why I stay here. She’s 8 years old, I don’t think we’ll be together for long

@JoyMary Where can I read more about this “chemical imbalance”? My psychiatrist has never explained to me how exactly my meds are working, and the instruction leaflet is a lot of incomprehensible text.

Are you on SSRIs? My antideps pushed me into suicidal thoughts. My doctor had warned me about it, and I didn’t believe her. I had never been suicidal and had been on that medication for two weeks before those triggers started. You say that your constant thoughts started in November, and that makes me think something happened around that time. If you're on one of those types of SSRIs, please discuss with your doctor about lowering your dosage and switching to something else.