Hi, here’s what I have to say. I suffer from exactly the same mental health issues as your stepdaughter – depression and anxiety. Am on antideps plus mood stabilizer, and in therapy. Things like going out for shopping or dating might seem like trivial skills for you, but for people with SA, like your stepdaughter, it may be a nightmare. I have to prepare myself before I address a salesman, my preparation for an interview takes weeks and requires antianxiety pills hours before the interview. It’s manageable, but it’s not the same as for you. You must try to see it from her perspective, at least try. As for helping her, maybe try taking more part in her life outside the house? I get it that your spouse controls that part, but you can also take her shopping with you or show her a movie “for grownups” in a cinema. Your stepdaughter needs to start doing stuff on her own, but if you push her, she will fall. She *needs* all the extra care your spouse is giving her. As for some of her childish interests, they may be an innocent habit from her childhood that helps her to cope with her worries. I wouldn’t necessarily call that “immaturity”.
The fact that she likes Disney movies shouldn’t bother you. Allow her to be herself and enjoy whatever she likes. :) How is she copying with her studies? Does she talk about any future plans for further education or a job, and moving out? These questions are much more important.
In a healthy family, parents helps their children both financially and emotionally even later in life, so here I disagree with you. And worrying about your stepdaughter’s interests is a waste of your time and nerves. Modern generations stay kidults for much longer, it’s an international trend...
Anxiety affects people differently. Your daughter may regard you, your spouse and your home as her safe space. If she’s a natural introvert, staying at home will be her choice for the rest of her life, and it shouldn’t be that much of a problem.
As for her anxiety to go out and socialize, it’s not normal, but we all struggle with something, and this is your daughter’s struggle. Thankfully, today one can get an education online, and even work from home. Some emotional sensitivity may always be a part of your daughter’s character, but as time passes, these issues should become less evident. She needs more time to mature than her peers. You can help her adapt to this world (like future job interviews or commuting). I also think that CBT would greatly help you, if only she agrees to try it.
So her hobbies and the way she can’t properly handle her emotions are two different things. The first one is not an issue. The second one makes me think of some extra things like hormonal issues. Has she ever been to an endocrinologist? Some medical conditions may cause developmental delays. Could you perhaps ask her to take a full checkup?
@Rita I’m not bothered by THE Disney movies. I’m bothered that she spends her days watching TV shows and movies for teenagers instead of taking extra courses or perhaps going out with friends. I don’t know, do all 21-year-old children spend their time in this manner?
@Rita Oh and I forgot to answer your questions. She’s doing fine in her studies, I believe she’s among top students. To my knowledge, she has no plans for the future so far. She hasn’t spoken to me about it. We think she’ll do fine in design and some such areas. She likes to draw. Though I can’t imagine how young people can make money out of it… She hates talking to people on the phone, and my spouse literally does it for her. We joke that if she goes on being so “shy” as we call it, she’ll have to keep living with us when we retire. She just rolls her eyes, typically...
@ShanChun1964 I’m afraid that’s out of the question. She’d never agree to a full checkup. Visiting a doctor is another problem for her.
fyi, I’m 41 years old and I enjoy comics, and I know people older than me who became fans of Harry Potter. Some other things you mention do indicate that your stepdaughter might need help. Social anxiety requires medications and therapy, so you might talk to your spouse about finding another specialist. And if you see no change in her for the last five years, then her medication probably isn’t of much help either, so consult her doctor about that. That’s what you can do immediately.
Has your stepdaughter always been this way? Did you live with her during her teenage years?
Generally person with social anxiety and highly sensitive person will chose to stay at home to avoid overstimulating situation like crowd, intense stress of social interactions. They would cling on to familiar people. People with social anxiety are also overly critical of themselves so they always assume that everyone is judging them and they feel they are incompetent. Try understanding the limits social anxiety can put in her life so it is best that you are patient enough and wait till therapy would help her
You need to tell your wife to accompany her for therapies initially as this will make her comfortable. Your wife needs to give her detailed description about the therapist, duration of the therapy and she will be there along. Just knowing what to expect can make a huge difference for person with social anxiety.
it is very necessary that your daughter learns coping strategies if not they will carry this anxiety with them through out their life.
Even in social setting child models the behaviour whom they cling on to a lot. So ask your wife to just greet everyone at the place they are shopping. Do it regularly and then ask your daughter to greet atleast one person but if she is unable to then you can ask that person to greet your daughter everyday.
Anger is a tip of iceberg of hidden emotions so it is necessary that is identified. There could be various reasons may be separation from her dad at early age, not able to cope up with changes. root cause has to be identified and triggers too. This can happen if she journal her thoughts and notice the pattern in her emotion.
Generally a certified therapist would help your daughter by cognitive behaviour therapy. it is small steady exposure to situations that makes her anxious.
Therapist would also help your daughter to recognise negative thoughts and replace them with positive one.
Therapist would also help your child to practice friendship skills. Practise these skills using role play and model to help your daughter feel at ease like greetings, conversation starters, listening and responding.