I regret ever wanting to try it…

Polyamory destroyed my relationship! 😡

We’ve been through so much together: his depression, my miscarriage. even me identifying as bisexual was never an issue, until I had this stupid idea that polyamory might spice things up a bit for us. It was such bad advice, why did I take it? I thought all our problems were from boredom, six years together is a lot of time. I also thought that in a monogamous relationship my needs weren’t being met. Initially, my husband was not keen to open our relationship, but when I suggested we invite only bisexual women and no other men, he seemed reassured. I thought it was only fair! I’m bi, and never fantasized about my husband seeing other women…

So I found a third, a girl of my age. We established very few rules: no unprotected sex with others, never involving friends, and deciding on the third partner together. My husband liked the new girl, but she turned out to be more into women, and I ended up spending more time with her than with him... It irritated him, we began arguing again, and I decided to change our partner. I found another woman, also bi, but she’d been in a mono relationship with a male, like myself. Again, the husband seemed to like her, and things were fine for a month or so. Then he suddenly lost interest and isolated, started to come home late from work… I thought there was a problem between him and the second woman again, so we talked, and it turned out no, the woman was not the problem… Turns out he hated the whole idea and became resentful towards ME. I agreed to put it on hold, however a few days later he comes and suggests we invite a certain woman he has chosen. I was against it. She is not bisexual, for all I know she’s a divorcee looking for a new partner… She is also my sister’s friend, we weren’t super close, but I said it’s against the rules. To which my husband lost his temper and shouted at me, saying the rules were stupid and if I wanted a real polyamory that’s what it had to be like. I was so agitated I cried and went out to think it over. When I came home in the evening, most of my husband’s clothes were gone, and he didn’t answer the phone during the weekend. I later found out he’d moved in with my sister’s friend and impregnated her!! My marriage is ruined, we’re about to file a divorce, and I feel guilty and foolish… All of our problems could have been solved normally, not like this. We could still be happy with each other. I’m so terrible!

Specialist answer

Veena Choudhary

Specialist

Hi,

I understand this has been a really difficult, painful and complicated situations. Do not start blaming yourself for this.

You need to question yourself was boredom the only reason you decided for polyamory or was it something much more than that which your not explicitly able to express. was it some sort of insecurities in the marriage, was it because of miscarriage you felt guilty to not to be able to give him a child, was it that you felt you were not enough for him and wanted to some how save the relationship. There is indepth problems underlying which you need to address. You should go to a therapist.

when any relationships end it is natural to start making assumptions, blaming yourself . You would have opened the relationship to rekindle the passion but it did not address the other issues which were prevailing in the relationship. All problems were from boredom now this statement you made:

Did your husband ever felt the same or was it you alone feeling that.

Did you ever talk to him about how to make relationship better initially before turning into polyamory,

Did you give him a chance to come up with some other solution

Did you even try various other solutions before deciding for polyamory?

i want you to answer this honestly to understand what was the underlying reason for you to be open to the relationship. This learning wont change your past but atleast it will help you for future. It will help you to deal with it in a better way, accept the actual reasons and move on.

Taking on the sole responsibility for the demise of the marriage is not a right approach. Reconsider and pause for a moment. Be aware of yourself. Pushing him to polyamory cannot be the only reason for marriage being ruined. it could be much more than that which you did not pay attention to. Just understand that, process your feelings and move ahead.

No_way_out

It’s a rough truth, but adding another partner can never save a relationship. If you knew your relationship was not working out, then poly could never make it better. :( I’m sorry you’re going through a divorce. Who knows, perhaps counseling wouldn’t have helped you, and it was doomed in any case. Don’t beat yourself up. You tried, it didn’t help. This happens. You need to move on with your life.

Eleine

So sad this happened to you. In my opinion, you were somewhat incompatible, at least for this new kind of relationships. Also, I don’t think it was all your fault. Don’t make excuses for his behavior!

Why did your husband agree in the first place, if he was against it? Why did he break the rules to not date friends or people from your friends’ circle? He eventually broke all the rules, having a child with another woman whom you did not accept… it might be that this whole development just shined the light on his true desire to cheat with someone else. Be kind to yourself. Your guilt is out of proportion. You are not responsible for the choices of your ex-husband. You’ll get through this!

sky lark

polyamory requires a fundamental change in how you treat each other. it looks like you *thought* you were ready for it, but in reality you didn’t want to share your partner with anyone who’d make you feel insecure. you were ready only to experiment with bisexual partners, like yourself. it sounds more like a one-way open relationship

Samuel Descoteaux

If your needs are not being met in a relationship, it’s your responsibility to understand why and how to fix it.

I get it that your current relationship is over, still I strongly advise you to find a good relationship therapist. For yourself, not for the sake of this divorce. Before you jump into any new relationship, it’ll be great if you deal with your own personal requirements and expectations, and figure out what you want.

Laura

This must feel awful. I can only imagine. On the bright side, now you can put your needs first. You can stay with anyone you like, you can choose partners. Yes, you’ll probably miss this relationship, but you’ll be happier with another partner, and now that you know polyamory is not for you, you won’t try it again (hopefully).

The_MD_Alister

Becoming poly has to be something both people actually want. It's definitely not for everyone. I'd say most people won’t like its dynamics. If people are inexperienced with this or can’t set and uphold boundaries, the initial bond in the couple will fall apart. Any relationship is hard work, and when new people are added to the sum of two they become a distraction, and the old relationship breaks without the bond being continually strengthened.

saint777

This setup of “open relationships” only works if everyone involved makes sure that all the other partners are getting what they need out of it. It’s not only about having sex with other people. You should all respect your emotional needs. Think about those women you were inviting in, and later you were saying goodbye to them for no other reason but the fact they couldn’t “fix” the problem between you two. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be in their place. I’m not trying to make you feel even worse, please understand. You should strive for a stable foundation in your relationship before even considering to invite a third party. You didn’t know it, you had no experience. Now that you know, you won’t make the same mistakes. This is part of learning how to handle it.

Hilda –

I'm very sorry. I don't think most relationships survive the transition to polyamory. This style of relationships requires much more effort and commitment on both sides. I don’t even understand why it’s so trendy suddenly, oh well, it’s none of my business..

Violet omen

It looks like your ex was not quite satisfied with your marriage either, if he was so quick to fall for another woman and start a family with her. Your problems were likely much deeper rooted than boredom or anything like that. I know it hurts now, but all is for the better! You’ll turn the page and begin living for yourself. You might see that you’re much better off when you’re apart with your ex. It might be that polyamory helped you to stop wasting time on the marriage that was not making any of you happy. At least now you can be honest with yourself!

Kim

Don't think of it as you destroyed your marriage, think of it as a crush test. Your partner failed the test. Polyamory is not the issue here, but all the ways that he wasn’t completely honest and respectful with you, while you tried to be fair and open all the way. The biggest red flag for me is that he said he didn’t enjoy it after a month! Couldn’t he say no to it like a bit earlier? And then he immediately found someone for himself… Not fair.

am tired of life

Being thinking of committing suicide ever since I was little because I don't have any one in my life as a kid I was bullied a lot emotional and physically growing up I learned how to stand for myself from physical bullying emotional bullying was tough for me because I was hated by everyone no one ever likes me people who do like their care about me are the ones who hurt me the most I don't have any friends my family doesn't help too when ever I make one mistake they're going to keep talking about it saying things like can't I see my mate making money am here being a boardin in dey life was a time my mum was like I would have killed you in the belly before bringing you out because of that I always want to be perfect no matter how hard I try i keep making mistakes over and over and my mum keeps attacking me sometimes we get in a fight if i can't take it anymore my dad would always support her I deal with my problem's alone by gaming to stop me from thinking so much because if I tell me I think I can call friends would use my feelings against me sometimes I overthink to the point i regret being born because am just a waste no talent nothing is special about me am just a worth less human that's just been a pest in everyone's life being hurt by my family emotional and physically and so many other people I called friends or love one's

Need to ask my sister-in-law to leave my house. Please how do I deal with this situation?

Everything inside me screams from helplessness and injustice of it all! I don’t hate my sister-in-law, as a woman, I want to support her, I really do. And I know she's been through a lot. It's been three long years since she moved in with us, seeking refuge from her abusive ex-husband. Three years of watching her struggle being a young mother, and three years of feeling the walls of my own life closing in on me. As much as I want to help her, I can't take it anymore. It's not just about her not contributing to the household or being oblivious to the impact of her presence; it's about feeling like I'm suffocating under the weight of her problems.

Our relationship has taken a turn for the worst the last three months. Ever since she smacked me on the mouth for trying to help her with her baby. She apologized, and we both act as if we’re fine. But I’m not. I can’t stand it anymore hearing her say she regrets having her baby, all the while I’m trying so hard to get pregnant. I can’t stand her being so controlling and anxious about everything, having to go on tiptoes in my own house because loud noises make my sister-in-law jump and lash out. I would call her passive-aggressive if she didn’t have so many issues. I know she's been through hell and back, and I can't imagine the pain she must have endured with her ex. Because of this, I don’t dare to share my feelings with my husband. I can’t use the word “abuse”, it was my sister-in-law who was abused by her husband. If I only hint that her behavior is domestic abuse in my eyes, I’ll be called a heartless bitch and I probably will be a bitch in our friends’ opinion. But I feel that she is being mentally and verbally abusive towards me every single day, and I can’t excuse it for her depression or her temper tantrums anymore. When she hit me, my patience with her ran out. I can't stand domestic violence from anyone, especially not from my own sister-in-law. If she ever raises a hand on me again, I will tell my husband, that’s decided. I regret not telling him three months ago, but I feel that the moment is lost now. And would he even believe me? He'd think I’m exaggerating or making a big deal out of nothing.

I want to tell him how I feel, but I'm afraid. He's always been so selfless in his desire to help others. I married a freaking Robin Hood! Nobody told me his sister would come as a bonus. God, I feel guilty even for writing this… How can I possibly accuse my sister-in-law of being violent, aggressive, selfish, when she’s the victim? But at the same time, I can't keep living like this. I feel like I'm drowning.

I want her out of my house and my life. It feels immoral to think about asking her to leave when she has nowhere to go and with a child. But at the same time, I can't ignore the fact that her presence makes me neurotic. I don't know what to do. I feel torn between my duty and my own need for space and peace. I just wish there was a solution that doesn't make everything my fault.

My success story

I just want to share everything that helped me on my journey (fighting anxiety and depression), in the hope someone with similar issues will read this and get inspired.

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression basically since school, but I first visited a therapist only when I was 34. I guess I reached that point in my life when it was “fight or die” stage. My anxiety was so severe I could barely leave my appartment let alone make it to a psychiatrist’s. I had to reschedule my first sessions and postponed them for almost 3 weeks, until my anxiety to get a rejection was higher than the horror of attending. People who have never been in my shoes do not understand that all the good and reasonable suggestions to eat healthy food, do exercises and sleep well are simply irrelevant when you can barely get out of bed. These things are definitely correct, but they won’t lift you up by themselves when your body is deficient of all the good things and your mind is reeling with thoughts “you’ll never get better”. I regret that I avoided medication and getting diagnosed for so long, just because I believed it was giving up. It’s right the opposite: when you’re a misfunctioning hopeless human being, you’re giving up! When you find the strengths to ask for help, you’re making steps towards healing. I’ve been taking medications ever since and see a psychologist regularly. I found a job that suits my needs, after a year of guilty procrastination. My social life has improved so much that I can actually meet new people and am making first tentative efforts to get back to good physical state.

Here’re some crucial changes that immensely helped me after I’ve started therapy:

* Hybrid work, which later turned to contract work. I’ve been stuck in that duality thniking that there’s either a full-time office job or no job, and nothing else can pay my bills. That’s such a ton of bullshit! A stressful job is your one-way ticket to burnout, panic attacks, and depression. You are not your job, don’t waste your health on it.

* Very strict diet. I don’t mean avoid junk food. I mean, forget about snacks, coffee, sugary stuff, and alcohol. I went gluten-free, and I believe it made a difference. This may sound like depriving yourself of the joys of food. Trust me, if you have problems with your gut (and 90% of people with mental health problems do), all your other attempts will get nowhere until you fix your gut. Everything is interconnected in the body.

* Forget about all social networks and all news outlets, except messengers (focused communication). The world is not your problem, until you solve your own problems.

* Nature and animals. Again, the first advice for people fighting social anxiety is to find friends, to socialize more... When your battery is super low, you won’t find the energy to connect with people. And they won’t have any idea what’s happening in your life, so social situations may only get you down and increase your feelings of anxiety and “loser moments”. I began my journey to inner harmony with reading books on human brain, depression and healthy habits. I have no beaches or mountains nearby, so I went out of my way to drive to the nearest wilderness every weekend. I had to make myself do it the first few times, but now it’s a habit, and it motivated me to start cycling. Most importantly, it helped me find my way to me, and stop worrying about lacking something, like relationships, etc.

To sum up, the journey out of complete darkness is dead hard. But everyone can do it, starting with professional help. Thanks for reading!

im a trans teen( out) and my parents arent helping or my therapist

I recently started therapy, the issue is that my mom and dad both know I am a trans girl, they got me therapy for dysorphia and apparently besides that I was also diagnosed with ptsd, makes sense, they are my adoptive parents anyways, they are actually my uncle and auntie, but they won’t let me dress like a girl or have makeup or anything cuz of “how I would impact my two infant siblings” ( one is 5 and the other is 3 years old). Just the other night I had a panic attack (* mind you I’m 14) because my mom looked through my Spotify and found an EXPLICiT songs (* mainly feminine rap abt like transphobic men and stuff) and she told me she was setting MORE restrictions! So I flipped out and started scratching myself, then my mom tried making me call the 988 hotline, (* which I’ve called so many times for attempted suicides) anyways I flipped out when she told my dad in the other room, I jumped up when he called me into his room telling me how he was going to kill my dog in front of me, and if I liked blood and hurting myself, he’d make me bleed so much I’d regret it *( by slapping me I guess idek). So i started just standing there while my mother pulled me away into the living room while my dad followed, he started calling me a bitch and saying I was selfish and ungrateful and yadadayda I kinda zoned out and started hyperventilating my mom was holding me down sitting on the coach, I was so scared cuz my dad is fucking HuGE. Anyways I thought I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE…. So jumped up while he’s cali g me slurs and stuff, but he grabs me and wraps his huge ass hairy arms around my neck choking me “ to restrain me” at this point I got tired and remembered many other incidents like this weren’t great, so instead of trying to run out of the house, I was set on using the kitchen knife to kill myself. After all I can’t start HRT cuz I’m only 14 in NM, and my therapist just wants to make plans and I can’t tell her anything cuz of some lease or something where they share my personal details with my parents. While this dude is choking me my siblings come out and are like (DEADNAME! ) stop hurting him! Yadadada and then I start clawing my dads arms cuz I can’t breathe ( it’s funny I still have my bruised ass sore neck) so I just give in hoping he kills me himself until my mom is like “TalK (DEADNAME) talk speak!” ( even tho it’s her dam fault in the first place) so he keeps saying he’s gonna kill my mom or beat her up or something idek, if I hurt myself ever again, but yea I’m getting worse by the minute and I can’t tell my therapist shit… wtf do I do? Mind you I’m not allowed to talk to my friends about this stuff, and my counselors and stuff are dumbasses and don’t even care. HELP

I regret ever wanting to try it…

More on this topic

am tired of life

Need to ask my sister-in-law to leave my house. Please how do I deal with this situation?

My success story

im a trans teen( out) and my parents arent helping or my therapist