Hii there dear readers

I don't know from where I start yet my current love life isn't working.im in long distance relationship Last year Nov 15 my ex and I started having fights he used to fight all the time and used to leave me and threat me at jan 18 I had breakup from three year old realtionship. I was broken I didn't knew what to do at the moment my best friend he was also an broken heart with 11ex he comforted me soo much honestly I realised I have feelings for him and he has to later we started dating and my life was like it became alive,I made him feel complete all was perfect until March 18 came I tried to make new friends outside in discord there some bad people started forcing to send nudes and started harrasing me for 4 hours I was harrassed and I took screenshot how they harassing me and sent to bf in a hope he would help me comfort me later on...he misunderstood all and stopped talking to me became angry blocked me it took 13 days to recover back 13 days miscommunication and like I sent him 5k+ messages with this all his phone got broken and tab he wasn't able to use.only laptop was with him so after patch up he changed like totally he started playing games for 5 to 6 hours and started late reply I used for his reply for weeks and miscommunication due to games he did and many people has suggested me to do breakup with him yet.. I have true feelings so i wasn't able to do so everything went same till 4 months I tried millions of ways to fix relationship and make him spend some time with me yet nothing worked and he is now out of my touch.. last month then a friend provoken him to do breakup with me by saying lies and he belived yet I recovered relationship back in 3 days.i messaged him directly after trying everything that I have started feeling lonely and alone in realtionship he only said oof on that and didn't took any action and continued all.one week ago his exams got finished he got his phone back and he didn't informed me about it I just Sussed on him that how he is using phone late night so I asked him did he got his phone back he said yes and oof with that. His gaming habbit reduced alot this month but new habbit started not being online only which is more upsetting...later I said him 2 days ago that I ain't gonna use phone and maybe last conversation it is between him and me gonna be yesterday he just read chats and replied nothing only asked why not I gonna use phone and replied nothing I said him I love you he said nothing on that I got bad vibes then..today a tarot reader did reading and said that my bf is confused he is with someone else and he is cheating on me I were broken to listen tarot reader also said that he is not choosing me he is choosing someone else and in current time he is thinking to move on....my heart was like broken but then to I feel like my bf Maybe with someone else but he didn't cheating on me as I feel from inside ...but whatever tarot reader said that's also matching with my situation disturbed love life and all. I literally don't know what to do many people and many friends has said to breakup some said he has loosed interest from me some saying he is not good person some saying he is play boy I literally don't know what to do I simply love him and that's all I know I'm just living on past sweeet memories of Jan,Feb and march...but nothing is getting fixed on I directly texted him a week ago to spend time with me I directly said what I feel when he is not with me he said he knows its his fault and said these days he is very busy with training and gym and all that's why he not online or spending time and that time I felt like he as insecurity or angry with me or what i felt at that moment but tarot reveals move on someone else in his life cheating and all....

This may seem too long to read but I am helpless and hopeless so just trying if any one can give me good perfect advice according to what I am dealing with or how can I get back into life being successful , earn money , that feeling of being loved again. I am completely new to sharing what I am suffering so don't mind if I seem too idiotic or stupid but that is how I feel. Mostly I think it has been my mistakes only because you can't blame anyone else if you have made your life not worth living because a lot of people suffer much more and they still stand tall. I don't know but I am suffering every day and just desperately want to get out of this stage of my life which has been too long. So writing here in just a ray of hope that someone will read this and understand and then give me some advice or atleast some consolation that things it still get better.

So here is the whole story :-

I am from India. And I used to be a very bright student in my school days. Always used to score better than almost everyone till the time I fell for a girl. Yeah it should not have happened but it did because I was a idiot. So after I fell for a girl who was too beautiful lovely and she had all the qualities ticked. We were into a relationship for almost 4 years. Just before my high school board exams she broke up with me. There was no cheating or seeing someone else. It was also not that we fell out of love for each other. It was just that we were not able to meet each other quite often because of coaching classes and all. But we used to talk over phone and texted each other a lot. That not meeting quite often started to create problems between us because it was that thing which always used to clear any fights or anything else from our relationship equation. Then that distance grew and the fights started more and more and she broke up with me before the high school board exams. She loved me and I loved her a lot too but somehow I was not left capable enough after breakup to study for the exams.

And then started my downfall. I failed in my board exams because I was not able to study. I did not cared for anything which was happening that time. All in my mind was just her.

I started drinking smoking which I never even thought of. Then she left for another city for college. She somehow realised her mistakes too and she wanted to get back with me. She also gave a lot of signs that she wants to get back with me. But there was this thing which I felt guilty about always from the day I knew it. It was that somehow when we used to kiss and get too close few of those times I got too excited and ended up with upsetting her. I knew that I did wrong but all this with the growing distance between us made her slightly hate me I guess or just angry.

That excitement thing never was the issue when she got into college and tried to get back with me again but that guilt never left me that I have hurt that one who I loved most after my parents. Even if it was not a big issue. So I always thought even when she tried to get back with me that I will end up upsetting her only. Also I was too much into self depressing mode that I didn't even noticed her signs of let's get back together. Now after a year or so she got busy and settled well into the new city so made friends and all but we always used to be in touch. Sometimes we used to call and chat with each other. Also whenever she used to come back in a year we used to meet every year.

After a gap of year I also started engineering course but she was always in my mind. I used to think that once I will get better I will tell her everything. And which I did but then it was too late.

Now starts the real downfall in my life.

The thing which gave me hope all those years was gone now. So now I started smoking pot day night anytime. Same with alcohol. Then came hard drugs.

I spent all my parents hard earned money on these things which were not making me better but on the contrary I was drowning. Drowning in guilt shame and also the effects which I was having with the heavy usage of those drugs.

College ended and I ended too with no job.

Then I quit all of it for months and tried to take control of my life. Get a job earn money gain confidence which got so low because of the drugs and all the feelings in which I was not interested anymore. Needless to say even though I got opportunities to get a gf again I was not over her so I did not even tried to get to say even yes to anyone.

Then again started a period of heavy drug abuse.

Relapses happened again and again because whenever I got sober I started getting dreams almost on a daily basis of her. I was not able to feel good any day because I always used to think what has happened should not have happened etc and needless to say I already was recovering from heavy drug abuse.

Now as I am sharing this I am fully sober for few months now but still with those dreams of her or where I am in my life suffering with no job no money even though I am 27 now. Low self esteem low confidence. She has got someone in her life who is very good looking and successful and she seems to be in perfect love story now. All I can think of is how I can get things to make work for me now ? How am I going to get my pride my confidence back ? How am I going to get fit again ? How am I going to get a good job ?

Just hopeless and full of despair is the condition of my life. Although it has been since a lot of years but the drugs used to get a escape route to me which I don't want now. But I want to see myself get back in life. Everything I had a dream of I want to fulfill those. But how ? Just how ?

If anyone is kind enough to read till the end and even think that I am a fool idiot dumba** which you are right I was, can you give some advices ? Help me out to get me help myself.

If you even read till the end I am very thankful to you.

I am an Average child. Average in class and in any extra curricular activities. On the other hand my brother is perfect in academics and is a very knowledgeable person.

I always try to break from that average tag but it's always not enough. I hate to be acknowledged by the teachers from my brother's name... It burdens me. Instead I want to have my own charm and to be acknowledged by my own name.

I watch my parents being so proud of my brother as they talk about his achievements to others but for me they can't do the same as I don't have any achievements. I hate that.

I want to make them proud

I always think my worth depends upon my marks because this is the only medium to prove myself but when I work hard but still not get that desire score I doubt myself again and again. My parents don't critize me either but I always feel that they were better without me. If I didn't existed their resources would have been saved and they Already have a son to make them proud.

So during my exams I am nervous wreck. Having anxiety attacks makes it worst for me. I feel scared and I want someone by my side to reassure me that everything will be fine. I do ask for help sometimes but then only feel guilty afterwards to make them worried about me.

I just want to feel enough.

Having ADHD is so weird and agonizing!! I was diagnosed four weeks ago, and it validated most of my life’s failures. I can’t understand people, I hear them speak, but I can’t grasp complex information, at uni I have to make audio recordings of all lectures so that I can listen to them at home. I’m also really bad with numbers. I can’t do math in my head, and I could never keep up with my peers, who grasp it all so easily. It is called dyscalculia? Or something like that.. I don’t know how I finished school, it was a miracle.. I was the one with “learning issues” in sciences, thank heavens, my English and literature were above average. Even when I’m studying the subjects I like, I can’t focus for more than twenty minutes. It makes me fidgety and nervous, I feel unhealthy, as if my battery is always low. My memory sucks, and I’m not making much progress this year. No matter how much I try to study, I end up scrolling reels or playing games on the phone. I’m so privileged to be where I am, and yet doomed to be the one who fails. I’ll always be crawling to my goals like an inadequate dumbass...

Now that the final exams are looming, I’m so depressed I want just to drop out! I told my dad yesterday, and I thought he’d give me a slap. He’d probably do it if we were alone… My new doctor said we’d try the new type of medication aka stimulants. No idea what it is, I just pray they won’t screw up my brains even more. All the nootropics I’ve been prescribed at school were a total fiasco! I don’t mind taking meds, if they help me stop being a mess. Is it even possible to be an adult with an ADHD diagnosis? I want to study like everyone else, I need my degree. This is so unfair!