I am feeling weird. It's emptiness, a void, loneliness. I don't know what to call it exactly. This year has been so hard on me. From January till now, I have mostly felt sad and depressed. I’ve had four counseling sessions with my school counselor and even visited a psychiatrist. He told me I’m under stress, that I need to learn new coping mechanisms and talk to someone I trust.
Sometimes, in between weeks, I feel like I’m getting better. I watch positive or self-help videos and try to remind myself that it’s just a phase. But when those sad waves hit me, I feel like nothing is getting better, like I’m still stuck on day one. I feel like I won’t be able to do anything.
Lately, I’ve had exams going on, and I’m stressed about studying. I know I’ll manage somehow, but the nagging thoughts of self-harm or intrusive suicidal thoughts haunt me. I don’t want to go down that path. Never. But when these thoughts come, I wonder: will I ever get out of this? What if my future is destined to end this way? What if even after getting better, a small thing breaks me again? That since the thought has come once, it’ll return every time things get hard?
I'm trying to study, but those thoughts make my head feel heavy. I start to wonder: even if I get good marks, how much does it really matter? Everyone else is good at something. I feel like a bookworm—nothing more—just someone who studies and barely manages marks.
I need to stop feeling this hollowness inside me. I do have people who are there for me. Two friends who’ve supported me till now. My family. My brother. They are always here, understanding. I want to be strong—for them, and for me.
There was a shift from how life was last year. I was happy. I used to feel sad that weekends meant no school. My marks had improved. I got a scholarship. I overcame stage fear. I built good friendships toward the end of the year.
And then suddenly, this year flipped completely.
I want to explore new things—like being consistent at the gym or improving my art. But laziness and procrastination get in the way. I don’t know how to be patient with myself. I feel even more miserable—like I am nothing more than my barely achievable marks. I have no looks, no hobbies I’ve mastered, while others are living their perfect 17.
I feel like I’m running out of time. That college life will be boring, lonely, with no romantic relationship or the kind of life I want. I feel like I’m slow.
