I am raising a child, which I am very happy about. I'd like to have another one, but there are problems. Let me start from the beginning. I'm healthy, but my husband is infertile. We wanted children and I didn't want to cheat on him. So we went to expensive medical procedures.

I was "pumped" with hormones, and then they "planted" an embryo. And so three times, because the first and the second one didn't work. It's easy to write, but it's not easy to bear it when you already feel life inside and then it stops. It's shocking and stressful.

It's tears, and feeling bad from excess hormones. It's a bad figure from the medication.

It's debts and loans, procedures are expensive. Several years passed in the exercise. When I cried, I lkmaoa that if I had cheated on my husband, I wouldn't have to suffer so much

But I'm honest, and I suffered. After raising my head a bit from my problems, I began to suspect that my husband was cheating on me. This was especially disgusting in the face of my exploits.

I did a little investigation and my husband's adultery was quickly discovered. You have no idea how angry I was! I'd agonized in clinics about not cheating, and he didn't agonize. And he didn't appreciate it.

I didn't want to see my husband anymore. I took a mop in my hands, opened the door, and kicked him out of the apartment. I cried for a long time. For days I walked around like a robot, feeling nothing.

A friend told me that I should try to get pregnant naturally. I agreed out of anger. We started looking for a donor.

Yes, a donor. I just wanted a baby, not a new husband. We had a long discussion about what kind of father he should be. Smart, healthy, handsome. And he should have a family. That's a good indicator of character, too.

I spent a week looking for him on the Internet. I've been texting men. I'd given up hope. But suddenly I found him. I liked him, and we had an "affair". In the process of communication I found out that he is healthy, educated, and has two children. Everything's fine.

Since I was healthy, I got pregnant very quickly. The goal was achieved. And I "disappeared" from my lover's sight. I was no longer angry with my husband. I've committed adultery, too. After all, I was also looking for

Maybe the lover was looking for me, but I didn't care. I was getting ready to have a baby. At some point my husband came back and we made up. I told my husband I'd used a medical service.

Although I had no money for it and chose the "free option". Shortly before the birth, my lover found me. He was bored, and I think he was starting to guess that the baby might be his. He asked me the due date. I told him. And we agreed to just text each other.

The baby that was born looked so much like him that the photo couldn't be shown. I didn't want him to claim the baby. Soon enough, the baby developed allergies. And it was important for the diagnosis if the father had it.

I mysteriously mumbled in the correspondence "and how do you tolerate milk?" to which he replied that he did not. Of course, it was my fault for choosing a donor like that.

Since he was smart, after these questions, the lover started demanding a picture of the baby. I had to send it. I could have ended it, of course. But I wanted a second child. After the baby photo, he sent me a baby photo of himself. The resemblance is obvious.

I blocked him and left town. The baby's growing up, my husband and I are raising him. But how do you have a second child..

I am always angry and get childhood flashbacks of my parents beating me, I was not smart during my childhood, not good at studies, my mother compared me with other kids, she beat me with wires, i had scars on my back, she has also burnt my one cheek with incense stick but the scar has healed 😊, she used to pinch my stomach(used to form blood clots) whenever i did unknowningly something wrong i was fearful of my complaints from school, even my teachers used to beat me hardly with sticks as my parents encouraged them, i tried my best to study, within time i became rude, intolerant and angry. Being a first child i always faced partiality, my parents used to buy ice cream and chocolates to my sister, they always said no to me as i was elder than my sister, i used to lick covers of her eaten chocolates and ice creams, my parents never gifted me something special, i used to ask them to buy clothes for me, despite having good financial condition my parents barely bought something for me, i remember my 22nd birthday when i was a student my parents didn't buy a tshirt for my birthday i used my saved money, i also worked as a delivery boy to make myself happy with money, i didnt know the feeling of love as i never experienced it, now when i get love from other people i feel very overwhelmed and i make them my universe and become attached to them 24/7 then they leave me, i am earning now and having a better life than my childhood but the anger is still there and i get frustrated with everything, i started seeing myself as a monster and i feel happy with this feeling of being bad and rude, i often think that this world is cruel and i my enemy and i shouldn't be kind to them.

Does anyone else struggle with their feeling of self?

I don’t know how to explain it. I was diagnosed with autism at age 11, though my parents dismissed it as something unimportant. I was a quiet child, always with a book or a puzzle, and never played with other kids, my only friend at school was a girl 4 years older. But I also had very good grades and enjoyed studying, while other kids hated studying and enjoyed social life. I rarely cried and showed irritation at being cuddled, which was one of the reasons my mother took me to the doctor in the first place. But I was never a tomboy, I liked dolls and was happy being on my own. Overall, I seemed normal, even though from early age I felt sad and tired, because it felt unfair that everything required extra effort in order just to fit in and not be completely alienated.

Fast-forward to now, I’m 29, pretty well established in my career and have a partner. My connections to family are very loose. My parents, as well as most of my college friends, consider me unemotional, lacking warmth and empathy, “a cactus”. For a long time I tried as hard as I could to pretend being a person everybody wants me to be: polite, kind and sincere. It drained me of all energy and still wasn’t enough to blend in. Girls at school somehow felt that I was only copying their reactions and words, not being really interested in their lives and hobbies. And they disliked me for it. I have no female friends even now, no matter how hard I try to connect with them. I understand men’s perspective much better, and tend to be direct in my opinions, which is somehow supposed to be rude… I prefer logic and systematizing over emotions and intuition, and fact over clues. I’ve been told I’m very bad at reading between the lines, and that’s why my social life is so “unsocial”. My professional field is men dominated, so, thankfully, I don’t need to mask myself at work too much. Outside work, I struggle to be myself and also with the way society treats me because of it. My partner is neurodivergent as well, sometimes I think it’s the only reason why he understands me better than others. I’m afraid if we ever break up, I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life. It’s very depressing.

my mom told me that she always dream about us becoming happier, the thought that she had 6 children and nobody of them are happy is killing me, i think about her words a lot i can’t help but cry every time her words coming up on my mind, plus these days i feel like i’m facing a terrible work environment.. i spend almost all of my working hours avoiding people’s in the workplace, all my colleagues have a private life some of them are in a relationship or engaged or married, they are looking at me in a bad way even if they are not saying that it can be felt so easily, and they indeed say so many toxic stuff in front of my face.

i didn’t have any proper chance to have a good relationship, i feel so much responsible for my younger siblings cuz im the only person who can support them financially and emotionally and i want it i love them and i wish they have better opportunities and future than me, but the people in the outside world make me feel so much unsatisfied, i hate the feeling of the incompleteness, now days i feel more depressed, ugly, tired and empty, i think about myself badly and not in a respectful manner, nothing can help me to get better i can escape all of those thoughts with a movie or something but once i get back to real world i have a realization check of all of that.