Hello guys, please how do I get over this?

No matter how hard I try I always feel like I am not good enough, like I won't ever be a success.

No matter the effort I make at being better, there is just always a voice telling me that I am not good enough.

I am an author, I wrote novel. I am recently trying to write a book that's mind blowing in my head, but once I pen something down I feel like it's trash.

I am trying to sign up for a competition with one of my stories, my friends who has read the piece says it's good. So why can I stop feeling like it's trash and not worth submitting?

Why can't I stop degrading myself?

Why can't I stop feeling not good enough?

Why can't I stop feeling worthless? 😭😭😭

For a long time I didn't dare to write my story on the site. My nightmares have resumed, and I'm again dreaming about a fat drunk man molesting me. He didn't hear the word no and I now feel "dirty". It's been 3 years that I've spent in promiscuous sexual relationships. It was both men and girls. I wanted to get clean, forget everything. But it didn't work, he comes to me in my dreams.... I want to get back at him for making me dirty.... But how? Now he's an alcoholic, he's become worthless. Sometimes my anger at him is so strong that I kill him in a procee: killing in the middle of a computer game

Lately, I've been feeling off. Sometimes I notice changes in my behavior—I'll feel different, like I'm not myself. I experience bouts of depression, stress, fatigue, and disinterest in things that used to excite me. It's like a mix of negative emotions swirling around inside me. I've become more emotionally fragile too; even small things can set me off, making me cry easily.

At home, it's tough. My parents constantly put me down, telling me I'm worthless, the worst person ever, and comparing me to everyone else. They expect perfection in everything I do, but no matter how much they criticize and pressure me, I seem to do worse than before. It's like a never-ending cycle of abuse. I hear more than ten insults (mostly abuses)every single day, and it's become almost normal for me to endure this verbal on slaught. But lately, even the slightest hint of criticism or yelling makes me break down in tears.

My emotions are all over the place. I struggle to feel love and happiness most of the time. My days are filled with sadness, frustration, intense anger, tears, and moments where I just feel numb. It's like I'm stuck in this whirlwind of negativity, and I don't know how to break free. I've tried everything to cope with what's going on, really. I've read up on how to reprogram my mind, tried to change my thinking patterns, but nothing seems to stick. It's like life keeps throwing insults at me, non-stop. Sometimes, I get so angry that I end up pushing away even the people who care about me. I just isolate myself and avoid talking to anyone.

Getting out of this negative cycle feels impossible. Even though my long-distance boyfriend loves me and tries his best to take care of me, I'm starting to doubt my own feelings for him. It's like my emotions are all over the place, and I don't know what to do.

Every day brings its own set of crazy situations. Whenever someone hears the full story of what I go through with my parents, they just shake their heads and say my parents must be mentally ill or something. I try to keep my distance from them, but it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep forever or go deaf so I wouldn't have to hear their voices anymore. I'm getting more and more irritated, and I can't stand the sound of their voices.

Being human, we're greatly influenced by our environment. It's like they say, if you're surrounded by animals, you might start acting like one too. For me, it's like living in a world of constant negativity and abuse. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I have little to no confidence in myself. I get really anxious around other people, and social situations make me extremely uncomfortable.

To make things even harder, I've been stuck at home for the past six years with no chance to travel or experience anything new. My life revolves around enduring these abuses, going to school, and then back home, day in and day out. It feels like there's no escape from this cycle of negativity.

Me and piku were in a 13 years relationship of long distance where he became the most eternal part of my life. We gave each other all that is needed for a strong bond and love. We did had fights and misunderstandings but these moments made us inseparable. He is still in every breath of mine. But tomorrow, will be his one month engagement to other girl. His words were that his parents did not agree to our inter caste marriage so he said yes for his marriage to another girl. His this action has broken me into pieces. I am unable to breath clearly. His separation is making me feel worthless and horrible every second of my life. I do want to live for my parents and family but this is being the biggest shock of my life and i cannot bare the pain. I am still praying tongod to send him back everytime and also feeling pity at the same time that why I brought him so close to me, gave him myself completely and is now feeling him everywhere around me. Friends family suggested me to block him, delete his pictures, chat everything, but i know if I do it now, I will be spineless when I will need him emotionally. I do know that girl might be superb for her in every aspect,they might fall in true love, but the thought of him loving other girl is killing me. I was not at all the same woman when we were in relationship. I was the most rigid one and very flexible to the situation. I did tell him so many times to end this relationship and did stay quite far to let him go and explore his life, but that time he did come back many times, he even ended our breakup by proposing me on a phone call after being selected as an officer. Now I feel the table has turned, I have become the seeker and he as the strongest man on this earth without any feelings or emotions for me. Right now, I am just in a situation to punish and hate myself for everything I have done to my life. I pray good for him but still waiting...