So first things, This will be really long. I am really sorry about that and will be really thankfull if someone know the answer to my problem.
My name is Aldi, you can call me smam or aldi. I am 21 years old and currently doing thesis at my bachelor degree and have full time job + side job + enterpreneurship or building business with other people. I am the youngest from my brothers and i have 3 brothers, my family is kinda poor so i need to work extra hard to fullfill me and my family needs.
From primary school, I'll always getting bullied. In primary school i am getting bullied because i am really bad at sport, cant socialize much, and didn't really want to do bad things. There's only some people bully me tho but the bullying comes with physical (punching, kicking, etc) and verbal type. But i still got a really good friend, i still remember how kind he is and one time he teach me how to punch properly too but i never have the courage to do that before. I always hoping that primary school year will be done, then come middle school years. In the middle school i got much bigger problem, i have even less friend and the bully comes in group now. I still remember that the bully group will always wait me after school to do stuff you know what will happen, day by day i either rush to go home quickly or go out with the teacher. I always saying thanks to the teacher and the teacher looks really confused. Some of the time i got ganged up too, got punched in the gut, it really hurts. My only peace time in middle school is when i got into academic competition, my school will teach me in different room when class time so i dont need to attend class and meet with the bully group. Thankfully i am really good at mathematic so about 1/4 to half of my middle school time is spent on the special class for special student to learn for the competition. But thinking back i think i joinned up the competition so i dont get bullyed, but yeah day by day is like hell when i am in normal class and really hoping for middle school years to pass. To this year i still remember the name of the one who bully me, sometimes i search the leader who bully me, or the one who bully me. Most of the time i dont find their profile in internet, some ignore my chat, few people just said its in the past and it doesn't matter. It really hurts and haunt me sometime, to add some salt in the wound. I have friend in the middle school, but they betrayed me because they are afraid to get bullied to if they are become my friend. In high school, the difficulty seems to be lowered in a sense, except the lower difficulty is a fake. The bully still takes in group, but i managed to get some friends that want to talk and befriend with me, most of the time in school they hang out with the bully group but some time they have a nice chat with me. It's looks like a good time to me, until i found out its all a lie. The teacher hate me because i am strange and to strict (maybe because i dont want to do bad stuff, maybe because the teacher feel that handling one people is easier), my friend talk bad behind me when i am not in class, ect. I feel really betrayed, I dont even know who is my friend anymore and how to find a good friend. things maybe easier in the pyhsical bullying department compared to the middle school, but damn it is hurt in my heart.
You all maybe asking, why did stand idle or didnt ask for help? I do ask for help, a lot of time in fact. When i ask for my parent help, they only come to school and told the bully nicely (literally) to stop bully me. And you know what happen? it become worse because i am called a snitch and the bully become more aggressive. asking a teacher will result in the same stuff happening, either they told the bully or both of us going in discussion with teacher in middle one time then next day i got bullied more. Once my parent said for me to ask the bully forgiveness myself to stop bully me, but hell its only got worse. Lot of time people said to ignore the verbal bullying, I can ignore it but there is a cost to that and i will explain it later. Fighting off myself is impossible because they gank in group, my only saving grace is when i got separated because i need to study for competition.
In home, its not really a good place too. I must always yield/give in everytime, when i have a problem with my brother then i need to be the one to say sorry or they wont talk to me (my parent said that) then i need to kneel down and say sorry to them. My brother always got supported more for their school needs, When i make money then i need to pay for their necessities too. Last time i got in a fight with my brother, it is getting heated then my parents become sick because they are embarassed if neighbour heard our fight. So i need to backdown but my brother keep badmouthing me saying i am a thief ect. If you want the context, the internet package got depleted really fast and my brother have the tendency to blame others. I give every proof that when i use the wifi or i am not using the wifi (because i am not home and working far from home) and the internet package get depleted fast too. But my parents always ask me to back down and be patient. Right and wrong become gray to me, if being bad have no consequences and become more happy then why should i be good? why should i the one to back down? but yeah thats only one example of the problem.
For my university days, the first and second semester is really busy because orientation so not much stuff happening. In the second semester covid comes then everything become online so nothing interesting happen (maybe if covid not coming i will be bullied again?). Online classes keep happening till my last year, i only need to be patient at home and honestly its better than in school because i am not having problem with my brother everytime. Its just for my thesis, i need to do it by 3 people team. I choose my own member, the first one is my personal friend (yeah stupid me, i dont know if he is really my friend but i am having good time gaming with him) and the other one is someone who is really good at my thesis topic. Because i am always failing and need to take extra step and really cautious then i always plan ahead and choosing best member. I do the 60-80% part of the thesis and the rest is divided between my other member, i provided the necessary tool out of my pocket money even though i am really hard on money too so they can do their task easily. but what happen? THEY IGNORED ME FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, i got really depressed because i need to graduate so my salary will increase and i hopefully theres some money left for me to enjoy (thats right, every month i always out of money because my parents will always ask for it like for my brother necessities). My brother didnt even have a job, they always ask for money then go out from home to look for job (its just empty words). But stupidly my parents always believe it and they got so much in debt because my brother sweet words. FYI my brother is 35+ years old now and they dont have a single job experience, they always get supported but i dont because i can fill my own necessities. Like i know i can fullfill my own necessities but its still really hard to see when my brother got provided with money but i need to work my ass off to pay for my college. FYI again My 2nd and 3rd brother is 35 years old with no experience and my 1st brother is 38 years old with full time experience but he got cancer and i need to help for paying the treatment too.
The problem i said above is just a glimpse of it, most of the time i always failed or the odds is stacked again me so i need to plan ahead and being extra carefull. Even though like that i still get screwed off sometime like my thesis that currently happening. My enterpreneurship with my friend where my friend work less and didnt answer my chat, I want to cut off the partnership but i still got a client that need to be done because my name is on it (hell the client is really slow too to provide what i need to finish the project).
Now lets talk what i feel and my problem is:
- I am having a hard time trusting people
- Got a bad dream sometime about the bad stuff happening to me like bullying and waking up really tired.
- Can't smile because i always put poker face when i got verbally bullied.
- Got really cold attitude and dont have any feeling, when my friend in primary school got an accident i didnt feel anything but i know that i must feel something because he is my friend. My oldest brother got cancer but i still dont feel any remorse at all.
- Having anxiety, low self-esteem, closing my eyes and cant look at people when i speak, my legs and body really shaking when talking to people especially group of people.thats strange tho because i am a leader type in my job so i cant have these traits
- Having really negative though, like i think that dying is better because i wont get any problem at all. Logically thats true, but on the one side i must keep living and never give up plus my religion said suicide is not allowed.
- Envy when looking people happy, I dont know why its just i want to have a good childhood and life like them.
- Got confused and self conflicting a lot.
- My emotion is always jumping high and low, but i always keep it to my self and not showing it. Other people wont like it when i got mad right? but i am really happy when i do gaming and stuff i like.
- Right now i am procastinating for my thesis, I need to do my thesis. but the stuff that left to be finished is the side that i am not really good at (designing stuff and learning new stuff), it should be where my two friend shine and good at. I try to learn it but sometime i lost motivation or my head hurts, but i need to do my thesis so my salary will Increase.
Someone, anyone please help. I really want to talk to therapy but i always self conflicting, on one side its really pricey and on one side i need to know a way to solve my problem. Hope someone can help me. I am really thankfull if you read it this far, and even more thankfull if you can give me some thought. Thanks!
Sending virtual hugs your way. I feel exactly the same way. It's tough when everything seems to be falling apart at once, but I truly believe that we can get over this ❤️
@rsoto really? How?
@megan kohler Idk exactly how we'll overcome this, but we will. I'm dealing with health issues on top of getting a bad attitude from my best friend, who supposed to support me during all of this, and the election results are weighing on me too. It's a lot to handle, but we can't give up. Don't let them break you
There's always hope, even when it seems impossible to find. Trust me, it's there. The world can indeed seem dark and joyless at times, but it's important to remember that this feeling is temporary. There are still good people out there fighting for positive change, even if it's not always visible. I really advice seeking professional help. A therapist might be able to provide you with coping strategies and a fresh perspective. It's okay to not be okay
@Mano I do go to therapy
@megan kohler That's great that you're already going to therapy! Have you talked to your therapist about how you're feeling right now? It takes time to see results, but don't give up
I believe in all of us. We have more power than we realize. Even when things seem impossible, we can make a difference. It might not feel like it right now, but we have the ability to change things. Think about all the times in history when people faced huge obstacles and still managed to overcome them. They didn't give up, and neither should we. Every little action we take, every kind word we say, every moment we choose hope over despair - it all adds up.
I know it's not easy. Some days, it might feel like you're taking one step forward and two steps back. But that's okay. Progress isn't always straightforward. The important thing is that we keep trying, keep moving, even if it's just baby steps. There are so many people out there who care, who want to make things better. We just need to look a little harder to find them. They're there, I promise
@Thunder thank you. I needed to hear this too. I want to chose hope instead of despair
@Thunder this is exactly what I needed to hear. The last couple of days have been really hard on me and I really appreciate this thread ❤️
@Thunder yeah, I guess we have to balance the bad with the good. Though, it's not always that easy. I've been thinking about how the simplest things can make the biggest difference. I've been so caught up in all the negativity lately that I've forgotten about ths
@joachr.5 I'm so glad my words resonated with you. It's heartening to know that we can support each other through these times. You know, sometimes I think about how vast our world is, and how many countless acts of kindness and courage happen every day that we never hear about. It's easy to focus on the negative, especially when it's all over the news, but there's so much good happening too.
I try to remind myself of this when things feel overwhelming. Even on the toughest days, there's usually something small to be grateful for
@joachr.5 When we're feeling helpless, doing something - anything - can be incredibly empowering. Another thing I've found helpful is limiting my exposure to negative news. It's important to stay informed, but constant doom-scrolling can be really detrimental to our mental health. Maybe try setting specific times to check the news, and fill the rest of your time with activities that nourish your soul
It's okay to take time for yourself, to rest and recharge. You don't have to have it all figured out right now. Just focus on one day at a time. You mentioned that you know deep down there has to be some good in the world. Hold onto that feeling. That's hope, and it's a powerful thing. It's what keeps us going when things get tough. I believe there's hope for this world, and there's definitely hope for you
Hi, megan! I'm really sorry youre going through all of this. Things can get better. They might not change overnight, but little by little, you can make a difference. You can be the change you want to see in the world. It starts with us, with small acts of kindness and compassion. So hang in there, okay? Take it one step at a time. Be kind to urself. You have the power to make a difference
It gets better. It really does. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this is just a chapter in your story. Losing your job to AI? That's rough, but it's happening to so many nowadays. You will find something better, I promise. And boyfriend troubles? Honey, we've all been there. These struggles are shaping you, making you stronger, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. The world might seem dark, but there's still so much light out there. You just need to adjust your eyes to see it
Something creative could be a great outlet for all these emotions, think of how you can let them out in a healthy way (that's super important!)
@Wilma 100%! It's so true that things can feel really bad sometimes, but they do get better. I've been in a similar spot before. Losing your job is scary, but it might open up new chances you didn't know about before. And relationship problems are never fun, but they can teach us a lot about ourselves. It's okay to feel sad or angry - those feelings are normal. But don't forget to look for the good things. Hang in there - better days are coming!
Give yourself a break. You've been dealing with a lot of heavy emotions and I think it's time for you to treat yourself. You can plan a nice date for yourself or just go to a place you've always dreamed of, eat your comfort food, etc. Do whatever makes you feel a little better. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it
yeah, man, the world can be a challenging place, and sometimes it feels like everything is falling apart all at once. losing your job to ai is a modern nightmare that many of us fear, and i'm so sorry you're experiencing that. relationship troubles on top of that must make everything feel even heavier. it's natural to feel overwhelmed and struggle to find joy in these circumstances. but please remember, your worth isn't defined by your job or your relationship status. you are valuable simply because you exist. hope exists as long as we do. try to focus on small acts of kindness - both giving and receiving
I want you to know that there is hope. The fact that you're reaching out is a sign of strength. It takes courage to be vulnerable and ask for help. You're right that there are people willing to fight for others - and you're one of them, just by sharing your story and potentially helping others who feel the same way
When we're in a dark place, it can be hard to see the light. But it's there, I promise you. It might help to focus on small goals each day. Maybe it's just getting out of bed, or taking a short walk, or calling a friend. These things can add up and help you regain a sense of control
This is a difficult part of your life, but it's not how your whole life is going to be. Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and don't be afraid to lean on others for support. I'm here if you need to talk, please don't give up
Take a deep breath, grab a cup of tea, and give yourself a break you deserve! You're gonna get through it, these hard times will pass, I PROMISE