Salutations and apologies for this terrible title, but to simplify everything - that's what I truly feel from day to day basis, but not quite that, so let me explain.
It's honestly weird. I am a normal guy by all means. Sure, got bullied a bit like all, but I fought back relentlessly, but there was something I never could fight back.
I grew up in a not so decent home with parents who acted more like teenagers, with all of the insecurities and lack of maturity. They always would put me through a rollercoaster of emotions that I, to this day, do not understand. At one instance, I was their beloved kid, worthy only of praise, yet, moments later, I would get beaten, ridiculed, diminished and get told that I "was a failed piece of shit", apologies for my language, and that I "should've been aborted".
Mind you, that was told to me by my beloved mother, who was the whole world to me growing up, and yet she would say such awful things to me, abusing me both physically and mentally, and then she would forget (or pretend to, for all I know) that she ever did anything bad to me, and it was extremely confusing to me while I was younger.
As I got older though, I understood her more. She was a victim of far more abuse, so my siblings would tell me "not to take it close to heart" and to "man up and stop whining". I tried. I failed. I tried again, and so on.
My siblings...
I am the youngest kid in the family, so of course everyone looked at me like I was treated like royalty, and they were jealous that they "didn't get that love and pamper that I receive", so no wonder they would get mad at me. In their eyes, I was a milksop complaining about overeating again, and they were starving children.
I got beaten up a lot by my brother growing up. Got cracked bones from all of that and minor brain damage. Was told that "it ain't a big deal" and to man up again. I failed and tried.
They, however, all of them, mother and siblings, would relentlessly dump their trauma and frustrations onto me, like I was a mop used to clean up stains of rotten juice and urine, yet I didn't complain, even when they would start to get physical in venting out their frustrations by hitting me.
I was raped by a woman at the age of 13. I didn't tell my siblings, for they would only sing their same old song, and didn't tell to my parents, for fear of ridicule and abuse. So, in my defiled, awful state, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
That was my first suicide attempt. It failed due to a stranger helping me. I sometimes curse that tourist for that to this day for cutting the rope, and myself for not properly checking the forest. Then came another attempt - same happened, but this time the dead branch snapped. So I tried again, and on the fourth attempt, I got scared of ending it all. I mean, funerals are expensive, and I wouldn't want to burden my family even more, so I decided to stop.
It didn't last long. My mother had another meltdown, and she and my brother beat me up severely, but no one really cared about that, except for my nephews and niece, who tried to comfort their young, beaten and scared uncle, while themselves shivering and crying too.
That day, I tried to shoot myself with my father's shotgun, but it jammed on me. I remember thinking to myself something among the lines of "I am cursed."
Due to all of that, my father and mother had a big fight, and I moved to a town where my sister lived. I finished 9th grade there, and went to a post-soviet analogue of a trade school to study geophysics.
It was rough. I lived in a terrible dorm, and studied in an environment even worse. The professors there where absolute assholes who were basically failed geologists and geophysics trying to feel better about themselves by abusing students and misusing their rights as educators to simply be assholes for the fun of it.
My mental health worsened. I couldn't get help because I then would get kicked out for not meeting the qualifications, and I didn't want to disappoint my parents even more. I finished it, and now I am a geophysical technician, heh.
Point is, I don't think anyone or anything can help me anymore. No one cares about me. Nobody. I am completely alone, at least I feel like it. And I also feel like a failure. I mean, I had 9 attempts that didn't put me down, what can you call a guy like that?
So, I guess I do deserve all of it. I deserve to be ridiculed, not taken seriously and beaten when I get out of my line, so I just wonder why.
Why shouldn't I kill myself?
Why does God, or the universe, or whatever/whoever you, the person reading this, believes, why does it not let me end this pathetic existence with some dignity?
And more importantly - how can I become normal again? Just how?
Hello!
For many pets are beloved member of a family. We very often become attached to our pets. Now when a cherished pet dies you need time to get over this pain. It is normal to feel grief, loss, guilty. But we forget that unfortunately the matters of life and death are not in our power.
The only thing you can do about it is accept the fact that your pet is no longer around. It is also important to thank your dog for being with you for 9 years for giving you so much love and warmth over the years and then thank the parrot who was there for you always to help you get out of the previous grief, give you company.
Make photo frames of your previous pet and put it in the living room. Always cherish the time you spent with them. When you stop mourning your dog, or you take another pet it doesn’t mean you are cheating on him or betraying him or doing some injustice. The memory of him will forever remain in your heart, but life goes on. Focus on good things and moments you spent with your pet, the walks, the affection, the connection.
you can celebrate their death day every year where you remember the times you spent with them or visit the place which your pet enjoyed a lot. This way you will cherish their memories or you can plant a tree in memory of your pet or donate something on their behalf.
You to first mourn and let your feelings out. so a write a letter to both your pet saying what and how you feel, how they have been a support system in your life. Releasing out all your emotional feelings will make you feel better. Only when you feel better think of adopting another pet. if you are feeling guilty that by getting parrot or by getting another dog you are betraying him. Off course not, Romy's place no one else can take as each animal is unique and individual and cannot be replaced. It is just an addition to your pets but all are unique.
I'm very sorry for you loss. You lost someone very special to you and it's natural to miss them. There is no manual on how to cope with grief and everyone does it in their own unique way. However there are some strategies you can try that might help you process these feelings.
One of the ways is expressing your feelings through art. Right after you experience a loss, you may have a lot of unprocessed feelings and memories in your head that bring pain. Art can be a way to start shifting this energy and externalize these feelings. For example, you can write about your feelings, make poems, paint or draw them, make music or photo collages. It's not about how good you are in any of these artistic outlets but about honoring your pet and expressing these feelings, regardless of the finished product.
You can dedicate specific "grief time", like 30 minutes a day to think about your pet, remember favorite memories, express feelings through journaling, or even just cry. This can help you feel more in control of your emotions and less overwhelmed.
Remember that you don't have to deal with these feelings alone. Talk to people you trust about the loss or search for a local support group (perhaps, there are pet-support groups somewhere near you) - it will help you to process the feelings. Hearing or reading about people's experienses in books or forums also can help you feel that you're not alone in this (there are suggested lists of books you can find online, for example: https://vet.osu.edu/vmc/companion/our-services/honoring-bond-support-resources-pet-owners/pet-loss-suggested-reading). Any kind of grief is best worked through connection with others.
Don't forget to take care of yourself as well - it can be hard while you're grieving, but remember that taking care of your physical needs can help you get resources you need to support your mental wellbeing as well. So make sure you have at least 7 hours sleep per night, make some time for excercise, do something relaxing during the day, like taking a warm bath or going out for a short walk in a park.
There's no timeline for grief, some days may be harder than others, but remember that these heavy feelings won't last forever and gradually it will get easier.