So first things, This will be really long. I am really sorry about that and will be really thankfull if someone know the answer to my problem.
My name is Aldi, you can call me smam or aldi. I am 21 years old and currently doing thesis at my bachelor degree and have full time job + side job + enterpreneurship or building business with other people. I am the youngest from my brothers and i have 3 brothers, my family is kinda poor so i need to work extra hard to fullfill me and my family needs.
From primary school, I'll always getting bullied. In primary school i am getting bullied because i am really bad at sport, cant socialize much, and didn't really want to do bad things. There's only some people bully me tho but the bullying comes with physical (punching, kicking, etc) and verbal type. But i still got a really good friend, i still remember how kind he is and one time he teach me how to punch properly too but i never have the courage to do that before. I always hoping that primary school year will be done, then come middle school years. In the middle school i got much bigger problem, i have even less friend and the bully comes in group now. I still remember that the bully group will always wait me after school to do stuff you know what will happen, day by day i either rush to go home quickly or go out with the teacher. I always saying thanks to the teacher and the teacher looks really confused. Some of the time i got ganged up too, got punched in the gut, it really hurts. My only peace time in middle school is when i got into academic competition, my school will teach me in different room when class time so i dont need to attend class and meet with the bully group. Thankfully i am really good at mathematic so about 1/4 to half of my middle school time is spent on the special class for special student to learn for the competition. But thinking back i think i joinned up the competition so i dont get bullyed, but yeah day by day is like hell when i am in normal class and really hoping for middle school years to pass. To this year i still remember the name of the one who bully me, sometimes i search the leader who bully me, or the one who bully me. Most of the time i dont find their profile in internet, some ignore my chat, few people just said its in the past and it doesn't matter. It really hurts and haunt me sometime, to add some salt in the wound. I have friend in the middle school, but they betrayed me because they are afraid to get bullied to if they are become my friend. In high school, the difficulty seems to be lowered in a sense, except the lower difficulty is a fake. The bully still takes in group, but i managed to get some friends that want to talk and befriend with me, most of the time in school they hang out with the bully group but some time they have a nice chat with me. It's looks like a good time to me, until i found out its all a lie. The teacher hate me because i am strange and to strict (maybe because i dont want to do bad stuff, maybe because the teacher feel that handling one people is easier), my friend talk bad behind me when i am not in class, ect. I feel really betrayed, I dont even know who is my friend anymore and how to find a good friend. things maybe easier in the pyhsical bullying department compared to the middle school, but damn it is hurt in my heart.
You all maybe asking, why did stand idle or didnt ask for help? I do ask for help, a lot of time in fact. When i ask for my parent help, they only come to school and told the bully nicely (literally) to stop bully me. And you know what happen? it become worse because i am called a snitch and the bully become more aggressive. asking a teacher will result in the same stuff happening, either they told the bully or both of us going in discussion with teacher in middle one time then next day i got bullied more. Once my parent said for me to ask the bully forgiveness myself to stop bully me, but hell its only got worse. Lot of time people said to ignore the verbal bullying, I can ignore it but there is a cost to that and i will explain it later. Fighting off myself is impossible because they gank in group, my only saving grace is when i got separated because i need to study for competition.
In home, its not really a good place too. I must always yield/give in everytime, when i have a problem with my brother then i need to be the one to say sorry or they wont talk to me (my parent said that) then i need to kneel down and say sorry to them. My brother always got supported more for their school needs, When i make money then i need to pay for their necessities too. Last time i got in a fight with my brother, it is getting heated then my parents become sick because they are embarassed if neighbour heard our fight. So i need to backdown but my brother keep badmouthing me saying i am a thief ect. If you want the context, the internet package got depleted really fast and my brother have the tendency to blame others. I give every proof that when i use the wifi or i am not using the wifi (because i am not home and working far from home) and the internet package get depleted fast too. But my parents always ask me to back down and be patient. Right and wrong become gray to me, if being bad have no consequences and become more happy then why should i be good? why should i the one to back down? but yeah thats only one example of the problem.
For my university days, the first and second semester is really busy because orientation so not much stuff happening. In the second semester covid comes then everything become online so nothing interesting happen (maybe if covid not coming i will be bullied again?). Online classes keep happening till my last year, i only need to be patient at home and honestly its better than in school because i am not having problem with my brother everytime. Its just for my thesis, i need to do it by 3 people team. I choose my own member, the first one is my personal friend (yeah stupid me, i dont know if he is really my friend but i am having good time gaming with him) and the other one is someone who is really good at my thesis topic. Because i am always failing and need to take extra step and really cautious then i always plan ahead and choosing best member. I do the 60-80% part of the thesis and the rest is divided between my other member, i provided the necessary tool out of my pocket money even though i am really hard on money too so they can do their task easily. but what happen? THEY IGNORED ME FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, i got really depressed because i need to graduate so my salary will increase and i hopefully theres some money left for me to enjoy (thats right, every month i always out of money because my parents will always ask for it like for my brother necessities). My brother didnt even have a job, they always ask for money then go out from home to look for job (its just empty words). But stupidly my parents always believe it and they got so much in debt because my brother sweet words. FYI my brother is 35+ years old now and they dont have a single job experience, they always get supported but i dont because i can fill my own necessities. Like i know i can fullfill my own necessities but its still really hard to see when my brother got provided with money but i need to work my ass off to pay for my college. FYI again My 2nd and 3rd brother is 35 years old with no experience and my 1st brother is 38 years old with full time experience but he got cancer and i need to help for paying the treatment too.
The problem i said above is just a glimpse of it, most of the time i always failed or the odds is stacked again me so i need to plan ahead and being extra carefull. Even though like that i still get screwed off sometime like my thesis that currently happening. My enterpreneurship with my friend where my friend work less and didnt answer my chat, I want to cut off the partnership but i still got a client that need to be done because my name is on it (hell the client is really slow too to provide what i need to finish the project).
Now lets talk what i feel and my problem is:
- I am having a hard time trusting people
- Got a bad dream sometime about the bad stuff happening to me like bullying and waking up really tired.
- Can't smile because i always put poker face when i got verbally bullied.
- Got really cold attitude and dont have any feeling, when my friend in primary school got an accident i didnt feel anything but i know that i must feel something because he is my friend. My oldest brother got cancer but i still dont feel any remorse at all.
- Having anxiety, low self-esteem, closing my eyes and cant look at people when i speak, my legs and body really shaking when talking to people especially group of people.thats strange tho because i am a leader type in my job so i cant have these traits
- Having really negative though, like i think that dying is better because i wont get any problem at all. Logically thats true, but on the one side i must keep living and never give up plus my religion said suicide is not allowed.
- Envy when looking people happy, I dont know why its just i want to have a good childhood and life like them.
- Got confused and self conflicting a lot.
- My emotion is always jumping high and low, but i always keep it to my self and not showing it. Other people wont like it when i got mad right? but i am really happy when i do gaming and stuff i like.
- Right now i am procastinating for my thesis, I need to do my thesis. but the stuff that left to be finished is the side that i am not really good at (designing stuff and learning new stuff), it should be where my two friend shine and good at. I try to learn it but sometime i lost motivation or my head hurts, but i need to do my thesis so my salary will Increase.
Someone, anyone please help. I really want to talk to therapy but i always self conflicting, on one side its really pricey and on one side i need to know a way to solve my problem. Hope someone can help me. I am really thankfull if you read it this far, and even more thankfull if you can give me some thought. Thanks!
happiness isn't about finding something new, it's about rediscovering what once brought you joy. take a moment to reflect on activities or hobbies that used to make you smile. experiment with different ways to spend your free time. rmember that it's okay to say no to things that drain your energy. your feelings are valid, and taking care of yourself isn't selfish.
I feel the exact same way, everything fucking suck and I just wanna be my past self again.
Life's complexities can be overwhelming, but consider this - happiness isn't a destination. The world can feel heavy, relationships can be challenging, and work can be draining. However, these struggles don't define your capacity for joy. Try breaking down your concerns into smaller, manageable pieces. Focus on what you can control
Maybe start with creating a morning routine that brings you peace. Consider exploring new hobbies that spark curiosity. Connect with nature regularly. Practice mindfulness through simple breathing exercises
Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. Most importantly, understand that feeling stuck is part of the human experience, it's not permanent, and you have the power to create positive change. The darkest times precede the brightest dawns. Keep moving forward, one step at a time. Trust in your resilience and ability to grow through challenges. You're stronger than you think
Don't pressure yourself to feel happy all the tim, it's unrealistic and counterproductive. Focus instead on finding moments of peace and contentment. You can also think about adopting a pet if you're able, their unconditional love can be incredibly healing. My two cats are my life-savers. And I'm very serious when I tell you this. They literally saved my life. I have a responsibility now, and try to stay on track just because of these two. Try new experiences, even if they're small. Set boundaries with negative influences in your life, walk away from someone who does not serve you rght. Create a cozy space at home that feels like a sanctuary
Try meditation! Seriously, was a solution for me at least. Sitting quietly with my thoughts helps me understand them better. Also, focus on building meaningful relationships rather than surface-level connections. Now, I'd rather have 4 close friends than 15 acquaintances, who don't care about me at all lol. There were a lot of people, who were draining my energy without me even realizing it
@kantor824 idk about meditation tbh... like I've tried it multiple times and it just makes me more anxious?? sitting alone with my thoughts is literally the worst thing ever for me lol. my brain goes into overdrive and i start thinking about everything that's wrong. but hey maybe i'm doing it wrong or something
@kantor824 ok yeah that makes sense i guess... still not convinced tho lol. i usually just put on some music and zone out when i need to clear my head. like yesterday i spent 2 hours just vibing to my playlist and it helped way more than any meditation ever did. also started taking these super long walks at night, there's something peaceful about being outside when everyone's asleep ya know?
@kantor824 wait those rain sounds are actually kinda fire ngl! i found this one video with rain hitting a window and distant thunder and it's literally the most comforting thing ever?? like it makes me feel all cozy and safe somehow. funny how we started talking about meditation and ended up discussing rain sounds lmao. but fr tho it's cool how different things work for different people
@Rajput No no no, I totally get what you mean! It was super hard for me at first too, my mind would race like crazy. The key is starting really small, like literally 2-3 minutes. I used to think I was doing it wrong too because I couldn't shut my brain up, but apparently that's totally normal. The trick isn't to have zero thoughts, it's more about letting them float by without getting stuck on them. Plus I found some really good guided meditations on YouTube that helped me get started
@Rajput Night walks are the best! I do that too sometimes, especially when my mind is too noisy. And honestly, what you're describing with music IS kind of like meditation in its own way - you're giving your brain a break from all the chaos. And that's all that matters. That's actually really interesting because I never thought about it that way before. Sometimes I combine both - like doing breathing exercises while listening to lo-fi beats. Have you tried those "sleep sounds" videos? The rain ones are literally my favorite thing ever.
Hi, I understand. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. This is where I remind myself that everything's gonna be okay. I've been there too, those days when getting out of bed feels like climbing a mountain. Some days I just stare at my phone for hours because doing anything else seems too hard. But you know what? That's okay. We're allowed to have these moments
I started writing down tiny good things that happen each day. Like yesterday, my coffee tasted really good. And the day before, I saw a cute dog on my way to work. They're small things, but they help me remember that not everything is dark
Sometimes I feel so alone in this, but then I talk to friends or even strangers online, and I realize so many people feel the same way. We're all trying to figure this out together. When everything feels heavy, I try to be gentle with myself. Maybe I can't fix the whole world, but I can make my bed, or take a shower, or just breathe for a while. I've learned that happiness isn't always this big, bright feeling. Sometimes it's just feeling okay enough to make dinner instead of skipping it. Or sending a text to a friend even when you don't feel like talking. These tiny steps count too
If you're reading thisy, just know that I get it. We're in this together
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, that's what they usually say, right? so why not try and look positively on what you already have?
Life's challenges can feel overwhelming, but remember - every storm eventually passes
The key is finding small moments of joy in daily life. Have you considered adopting a pet? Animals have an amazing way of bringing unconditional love and purpose to our lives. Try spending more time in nature - sometimes a simple walk in the park can shift your entire perspective. Movement, whether it's gentle stretching or dancing in your room, can help release trapped emotions
Express gratitude. I highly recommend you do that. It's easy to get trapped in a vision that eveyrhtings bad, but look around, and I'm sure you'll find somtheing that is worth living for
start with the basics - sleep schedule, nutrition, and movement. these foundations often get overlooked but they're crucial for mental well-being.
finding purpose comes through connecting with others who share your interests. volunteer work can also provide a sense of fulfillment. remember to be patient with yourself, healing and finding joy takes time. create boundaries with social media and news consumption if they're affecting your mood
try incorporating creative activities into your routine, even if you don't consider yourself artistic. express yourself through writing, drawing, or any form of creation. look for beauty in everyday moments. practice self-compassion
find ways to challenge negative thought patterns. celebrate small victories and progress. remember that you deserve happiness and it's okay to prioritize your well-being. take it one day at a time