Too late for this advice, so I can just say you were right to be weary about landing money. It’s always a disaster scenario. That’s why I never give money to my friends or family (except parents). Whenever you do it, you just have to assume it’s a gift. The chances of getting it back are extremely low.
I was in a similar situation once. My friend didn’t pay me back, and I chose to forget it. I accepted that my friend was and will always be unreliable in that question, and I’ll never give him any more money. But we still communicate. I don’t know if it’s applicable to your story. My sum was truly ridiculous, $50 or something. And we didn’t come to the point of insulting each other. If you want to keep being friends, you’ll need to talk about what your friend said about you. I think he owes you at least an apology.
Hey, don’t feel bad about what you did. Imho you were absolutely noble, and you waited long enough before reminding him of his debt. Your friend is not a victim, but he acts like one. That’s very manipulative. Personally, I’d be offended. If you feel like you don’t want to be close friends, it’s just the natural consequence of his behavior.
You are not a bad guy. Your friend is. He promised to pay back and he didn’t. It doesn’t matter how much or little he borrowed. A promise is a promise. If he can’t keep his word, you don’t owe him anything.
Be careful about landing money in the future. And don’t worry about your fathers taking part in it. If you get your money back, it’ll be closure. That’s better than nothing.
You’ve done all that can be done. Now relax and watch how it all unfolds. Maybe your friend’s virtue will finally show, though I doubt it. If he chooses to cut contact with you over it, then you’ll know how much he’d valued your friendship. At least you won’t let him exploit you further. Sounds like he owes a lot of money, and he might have felt inclined to ask you for help again, but now he’ll know better. Don’t fret over it! All’s for the better.
I know how it must feel. A trust that is broken is hard to repair. Perhaps it’s time to take a step back from this friendship.
I know it’s unpleasant. I’ve had people like him in my life. Smiling and partying with you as long as you allow them to dismiss your feelings, but the minute you try to make them accountable – poof, they’re gone. I think the worst thing is that you feel guilty now. You’re choosing to keep this person in your life, so at least keep him at arm’s length. Sorry for all the trouble you've gone through so far. At least you’ve learned something.
What kind of friendship is that if it requires financial sacrifice from you and gives you no emotional satisfaction? I mean, if your friend acted differently, if he answered your emails and didn’t ignore you, I’d be more inclined to recommend you letting it go. Even if he’s in debts up to his ears, it’s not a good enough reason to be rude.
@SMagnus Thanks, I wish I knew this earlier. 😏
It’s not really about the money. It’s the principle.
I know he has the means to repay me. He’s probably busy paying out his other debts now. I suppose he’s paying the bank and all the others whom me can’t ignore like he did me. That’s what irks me the most.
@SingleManInVR I kind of understand he feels resentment towards me. My work taught me that people always start to feel resentment towards their creditor at some point. I don’t even know if I want an apology. Would be easier to pretend it never happened? If he could just pay me back and be done with it, managing it like grown-ups, you know?
@Secret for now Yeah well, I actually regret telling my dad. I was just so frustrated I couldn’t help it. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t do it. It only complicates things between our families. We could keep it between the two of us, not troubling our dads. Now they want to act as mediators or something, and it feels kind of lame.
I understand his behaviour was rude and hurting and you being angry in this situation is justifiable. But now just pondering over that in your head again and again is only going to make you feel bad. Think about what you learnt from this experience and what you are going to do about it now?
When you say you are afraid your father will settle with his father the debt and your friend will never talk to you.
Just take the required action to make yourself better. You are only capable of controlling your own actions. If this person doesn't pay you back or behaves badly that is on his shoulders don't let it bring you down. Things like i wouldn't have confronted him, makes me a bad person. Stop thinking all that. Ultimately this was a learning experience for you and anyways from the beginning you knew something like this would happen.
You have every right to ask your money back after all these years. As I understand from your comments, you feel like it's more about your principles than money itself. I think it can help to ask yourself, what the principles are and what the need is behind holding on to these principles at the moment - is it that you perceive the situation as unfair, and maybe betrayed in a way - as you were the one who helped your friend when he needed it most, but now he's not willing to repay you? Or perhaps it is seeing someone act so irresponsibly that upsets you?
Identifying the underlying needs and feelings can help you have a better understanding on how you can approach this situation.
It's possible your friend has a different perspective on borrowing money or different principles. Consider having an honest yet respectful conversation where you can listen to each other and perhaps come to a reasonable solution that would benefit both of you. I know that it's hard when you feel attacked, but it can be worthwhile if the friendship is valuable to you.
- Ask your friend calmly to explain why he can't return the money at the moment. For example: "I'd like to talk about the loan again. It seems like the topic brought some tension and misunderstanding. I want to check in with you - is everything okay?
- Use "I" statements, explaining your reasons on why this matter is important to you. For example: "I recognize you have a lot of expenses and debts right now. However, it didn't seem fair to me when you said it wasn't okay to ask for the money back and called me names, after I was willing to help you out in your time of need"
After hearing both perspectives, discuss different ways to approach the issue. It can be helpful to come into this conversation with ideas of a repayment plan. For example, you can suggest getting the loan back in small parts once every month or so, and negotiate from there.
If your friend declines to have this discussion or repay you, remember that you at least tried your best to handle the situation in a healthy way. It may help to reflect on what you learned and how you'd approach a similar situation differently next time. You can establish some rules for lending money in the future, like setting clear time limits or establishing a maximum amount, so it'll be easier to set boundaries and avoid frustration.