Hello,

I’ve been lurking here for several weeks, reading other people’s stories. Normally I don’t post about my health online, and I haven’t noticed anyone with the same issues here. I’ve come across discussions about how the mental health issues manifested themselves as physical pain… My case is a bit different, but I suspect the mechanism is the same. I’m reading all I can find about Conversion disorders, so perhaps someone here can give me some tips on where to look further.

I found myself in the hospital two years ago, shortly after a series of unlucky events (severe pneumonia, big issues at my workplace, and the funeral of my father shortly after). I experienced a sudden paralysis in my legs. To tell the truth, it scared the wits out of me. I thought I’d be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life… I also had tremors in my hands, and my state generally signaled I was having some sort of seizure. I spent 8 days in the hospital, muliple tests and IVs. The doctors didn’t know what the matter was, I suspect their main aim was to bring me back to life and send me home. My state improved over the week. I was prescribed a pile of drugs and they let me go. My symptoms were milder (I was told I'd be able to function, which greatly helped with my overwhelming panic), but I needed the support of my husband to take the taxi and, well, to live.

It took till late autumn to feel somewhat normal again. My legs got much better, but at times they betray me. It's terrifying, especially when I'm trying to do simple things like walk to the kitchen or go up the stairs. I've had to rely on my family a lot more to help me get around, mostly because I fear it will happen again unexpectedly. The tremors in my hands are almost invisible to the outside eye now, though I can still feel them at times. It's like they have a mind of their own. It may make the task of writing or even holding a cup of tea feel like a challenge.

I've had to cut back on work because I just can't keep up with the demands of my job anymore. It's frustrating because I used to be so independent, and now I feel like I'm constantly relying on others for help. I’ve been visiting the doctors (I’ve had three different ones over the last year) every two weeks, then every month. Now I do it randomly whenever my symptoms seem to worsen. I’m still not healed. It was the third doctor who insisted I should start therapy, and he made the final diagnosis: conversion disorder. I suppose it’s very rare, if it took them so long to diagnose me? I’ve been reading about it and I’ve come across many similar stories, though I got the impression that it mostly happens after some serious trauma and is considered “the illness of the veterans”.

I haven’t yet started therapy. I know I should do it to help me cope with all of this, but it's hard to take that first step. For now, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time and am seeking for more information. I’ve read that CBT was not helpful for some people, even though it’s recommended by professionals. I’ve also read about hypnosis as one potential line of treatment, it’s considered untraditional medicine? Has anyone else dealt with a similar diagnosis or symptoms on a daily basis? I need to better understand what I'm up against here.

It’s been better lately. Not happy, but also not pure misery as before. I can push through and do most things. I do it on autopilot: get up, go out with the dog, feed myself and the dog. Existence doesn’t feel so pointless anymore, since I managed to accomplish small daily routines.

I’m slowly preparing my resume to search for a part-time job. I still see no hopes for the future, given that I’m 48, have no career, and can barely cope with the minimum that most other people don’t even consider work. I don’t care about life enough to actually live. The very thought that I’ve wasted 7 years of my life on depression torments me like nothing else. And since November I’ve been having passive suicidal thoughts. I don’t actually plan to do anything about it, it just became another sick trait of mine. When I get out of bed and think of the few things I must do, like shopping or taking my laptop to repairs, the next thought that flashes through my mind is, “I don’t want to, I should just die”. But I make myself do it anyway. These thoughts demotivate me and make it even harder to complete my daily tasks, and if I don’t do at least 2-3 things I had in mind for the day, I feel completely useless, and it fuels that slimy tiny voice whispering that I shouldn’t be alive. I suspect it’s because I can’t seem to find the drive to live. I’m killing myself without actually doing it, and I don't know how much longer I’ll be able to go on like this. It’s an endless cycle, and the worst part is that these thoughts just got stuck in my head and won't go away.

Sorry for dumping this on you, kind strangers

Lately, I've been feeling off. Sometimes I notice changes in my behavior—I'll feel different, like I'm not myself. I experience bouts of depression, stress, fatigue, and disinterest in things that used to excite me. It's like a mix of negative emotions swirling around inside me. I've become more emotionally fragile too; even small things can set me off, making me cry easily.

At home, it's tough. My parents constantly put me down, telling me I'm worthless, the worst person ever, and comparing me to everyone else. They expect perfection in everything I do, but no matter how much they criticize and pressure me, I seem to do worse than before. It's like a never-ending cycle of abuse. I hear more than ten insults (mostly abuses)every single day, and it's become almost normal for me to endure this verbal on slaught. But lately, even the slightest hint of criticism or yelling makes me break down in tears.

My emotions are all over the place. I struggle to feel love and happiness most of the time. My days are filled with sadness, frustration, intense anger, tears, and moments where I just feel numb. It's like I'm stuck in this whirlwind of negativity, and I don't know how to break free. I've tried everything to cope with what's going on, really. I've read up on how to reprogram my mind, tried to change my thinking patterns, but nothing seems to stick. It's like life keeps throwing insults at me, non-stop. Sometimes, I get so angry that I end up pushing away even the people who care about me. I just isolate myself and avoid talking to anyone.

Getting out of this negative cycle feels impossible. Even though my long-distance boyfriend loves me and tries his best to take care of me, I'm starting to doubt my own feelings for him. It's like my emotions are all over the place, and I don't know what to do.

Every day brings its own set of crazy situations. Whenever someone hears the full story of what I go through with my parents, they just shake their heads and say my parents must be mentally ill or something. I try to keep my distance from them, but it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep forever or go deaf so I wouldn't have to hear their voices anymore. I'm getting more and more irritated, and I can't stand the sound of their voices.

Being human, we're greatly influenced by our environment. It's like they say, if you're surrounded by animals, you might start acting like one too. For me, it's like living in a world of constant negativity and abuse. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I have little to no confidence in myself. I get really anxious around other people, and social situations make me extremely uncomfortable.

To make things even harder, I've been stuck at home for the past six years with no chance to travel or experience anything new. My life revolves around enduring these abuses, going to school, and then back home, day in and day out. It feels like there's no escape from this cycle of negativity.

I've been ditched out of a relationship recently, one year when we were near n together, everything seemed good, but I had become a lot possessive and kinda toxic in between because i have been cheated twice before, n so I don't have a good mental state. I tried to explain this to him but at last he just said he doesn't feel anything because am being so paranoid. N am shattered again because I really thought this would work out, but it didn't, all on a sudden he just withdrew saying that he had been feeling this from a long time but he never expressed it before, I feel I was just a time pass for him now n that he was never serious about us. He never took stand for me verbally in front of the friend's group, though his actions before were for me in my favour, but sometimes u just want to listen when someone takes a stand for you...that never happened... But even though he is friendly with all other people now more of girls... Idk what i must do to overcome this... I can't be crying n suffering like this a lot, it's taking tolls on my mental, physical and emotional health, but there's nothing am able to do or decide now...even if I decide something, it'll be for sometime n then it'll change. My emotions are taking over me. Moreover there is no one i can trust here for this, everyone is just busy in their works n almost everyone has a double faced nature which is suffocating me more. Idk what will or what would help me come out of it... But i really want to be fine n happy like I used to be. I've lost all hopes in being together with someone anymore...n I've become more paranoid now...