here's to being brave...

Am not okay......... And I haven't been for a while.

I realized that I have been avoiding facing this overwhelming loneliness and sadness .... By putting on a mask each day and doing this show to disguise myself from people hoping that they don't see me sad but sometimes I Don't have the strength to put on that mask and little bits of slip out so I hide or take my antidepressant drugs one after another until I don't feel that crushing feeling suffocating me .... I have overdosed twice trying to run from that..... Feel nothing is better than feeling like that would tell myself each day....... I drink old rum day and day feeling my stomach with that burning warmth of bottled love . To stop the intrusive thoughts so I would take another shot and another until I couldn't remember what happened the next day . I would be the most happiest in my friend group... So hyper , laughing the loudest, the widest smile. Asking everybody about their day as I dodge their attempt to ask about mine and transferring every drop of love and care to other people...... I would set my self on fire to keep others warm.... I have gotten go at playing this part in my play I forgot what's real ..... Today someone saw the real me ... I couldn't hold back the tears and anger and rage and the sadness anymore.. I realized that I can't keep running away hoping that everything will be okay....... Coz their not and truly I don't think their going to be okay but I don't want to run anymore no more running......