THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.

I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).

To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.

Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.

I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.

Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.

Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).

Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.

Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).

But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.

I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?

I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.

A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.  

Please I need your opinion. Never thought I would find myself in this situation. It started with my obsessive-compulsive disorder, constant intrusive thoughts and the need for control and order. But right before the new year, after a regular night of smoking weed with some friends, everything spiraled out of hand. I had a psychotic break, and now I'm being told that I might be developing schizophrenia.

The diagnosis terrifies me. I've always been aware of my OCD, but the idea of losing touch with reality is a whole other level of fear. I don't trust this new diagnosis, but the thought of it lingers in the back of my mind. I was prescribed two antipsychotics, not taking them for now...

A short description of how it felt, because I still think this could be drug induced. During my psychotic break, I was trapped in an altered reality that I didn't even realize was happening. Was like living in a distorted dream, where nothing made sense and everything felt threatening. I remember feeling like the world was closing in on me, and I couldn't escape. I became convinced that people outside on the street were watching me, plotting against me and my friends. The walls seemed to whisper secrets, and I couldn't shake the feeling that going outside was a threat to my life. Time lost all meaning, and I felt like I was stuck in an endless loop of running from the people outside. The lines between where I were and where those people were sort of blurred together, leaving me disoriented. I later found myself on the street with my hand bleeding, I’d broken my friend’s window throwing an empty bottle right through it. I’m lucky that no passersby or cars were harmed at such a late hour… We have cameras everywhere, I’d be in trouble. The worst part was that I didn't even realize how far gone I was. In my altered reality, everything seemed perfectly logical and connected. It wasn't until I came back to myself that I realized how distorted my thoughts had been. Doesn’t the fact that I realized it afterwards and didn’t deny anything prove that my mind came back to normal?

All people smoking weed sometimes have these visions and hear voices, right? I got stoned many times before, and it was usually like some funny mental puzzle, but never so vivid and distorted.

Now, faced with the possibility of developing schizophrenia (which I still don’t want to believe!), I can't help but wonder if that altered reality is waiting for me again. The fear of losing myself to a world of delusions and hallucinations drives me nuts. I cling to the hope that it was just a one-time episode.

Fuck, I wish I could go back to the days when my biggest struggle was managing my OCD. Now, this schizo specter hangs over me, and it’s just too much!

Has anyone ever experienced their body shutting down out of the blue, seemingly for no reason? Like you’re going through an attack, but it’s not how panic attacks are usually described (hyperventilation, breathing fast, etc.), it’s the opposite. It has happened about 5 times to me, always in the evening when I’m preparing for sleep or am lying in bed. I noticed it starts with this weird tingling feeling that I associate with intense physical efforts like running a marathon, when the last bits of energy are floating out of you and the body is preparing to get a deserved rest. But it doesn’t feel like drifting to sleep. My body sorta freezes while my mind is still fully awake and I can sorta watch my body from above. I can feel my breathing getting slower by the minute, and I instinctively begin to breathe through my mouth for fear of being choked from no oxygen. I try to keep my eyes open because I’m scared that if I fall asleep in such a state I’ll certainly die… Yet my brain is willing to go into sleep mode, which makes me fight with myself and fight with this terror that something’s wrong with my body. My vision gets blurry and my head lightheaded. If I try to get up and walk the room I can’t fully shake off the dizziness and extreme anxiety akin to panic (but again, not quite), the room sorta zooming away from me. I can’t describe it in any other way but tunnel vision as I can’t focus on anything in the room besides what’s right in front of me. My hearing gets muddied and I eventually have to sit back or lie down on the bed because otherwise I’ll pass out.

I’m seriously scared there might be something wrong, and not only with my mind. I wonder if this could be disassociation gone too far or some sort of a pre-stroke condition? It makes me dizzy and nauseated, and I’m scared to fall asleep for many more hours afterwards. The last time this happened during the day when I was about to lie down and watch movies for a couple of hours. Basically, it always happens when I’m about to relax, nothing seemingly worrying me, that’s why I’m positive it’s not a panic attack.

Can it be the body’s reaction to stress? The first two times when it happened I was staying with my stepparent who is going through rehabilitation after surgery, and those were super stressful days and nights. I thought it might be my body’s way to tell me it needs a rest or some medical help. However, I’m on antianxiety meds now, and it happened three more times since. I would really like it to go away, it scares the shit out of me. Am I the only one with these weird conditions??

I'm pretty sure that you can't find a wife by specifically engaging in "selection" as experts advise. I didn't get married for a long time. I didn't see any worthy women. And I was busy with my career, business. I wasn't lonely, not ugly, I found and lost mistresses. My mom tormented me with requests for a grandchild, my dad with requests to settle down and become a family man. I didn't see a suitable girl around. And I didn't want to marry just anyone. All the correspondence on the Internet led to nothing, so you could only find boredom or entertainment. My friends told me that I was a perfectionist and showed me an example: "I'm already married, and we have children". I felt like they were "outmaneuvering" me. I thought a lot about why this was happening. I even went to a psychologist, a woman by the way. After talking for 1 hour, I realized that everything was normal with me, but why my wife was not there was unclear. I went to a coach, and heard that it is necessary to "remove internal barriers" and imagine that it is already there. I thought, how can I imagine that I already have a wife? Start being afraid of coming home on time? Give all the money to the nightstand by the bed? Come home and start yelling "where's dinner?" and not finding it, get offended. And go to see his real lover, Liusa. My mother obliged me to go to another psychologist, after which the situation became even more confused. I heard a lot of unnecessary information that I "repeat the scenario of my ancestors", have "complexes", "it is necessary to make an image of my beloved", and it is necessary to come to her 50 times and then everything will be fine. Finally tortured by human stupidity, I decided to go to a fortune teller, why, I do not understand at all. The fortune teller laid out the cards, and briefly said "you will soon meet your destiny...". I rejoiced and asked: "where?" The fortune-teller replied: "She is already walking around". I was intrigued and the next day I started looking around to see where she was. I walked, thinking, towards the office. And I felt a car splashing me hard as it drove by. I was indignant, saw that it was a car from the parking lot of our company and got mad. A girl ran out of the car and started to wipe me off and apologize. She surprised me and pissed me off at once, and I liked her looks very much. It turned out she worked in the neighboring department, but I, thinking, always went by....That's how I got married. I believe that psychologists are not able to help in this, it should happen by itself.