Everyone talks about the loneliness that comes with being single but never the loneliness that comes with bettering yourself. I’ve been in therapy and support workshops for 2 years, doing self-help exercises and practicing self care for just as long, and so much more. I stopped self-harming, chose sobriety, started eating healthier, keep myself hydrated, picked up boxing, and really began pursuing my passions more adamantly.

Post escaping an abusive relationship and taking legal action against my assailant, it opened my eyes to how unappreciative I was of life and that I took everything for granted because I assumed it would always be there. Near end 2022 whooped my ass, but spending the rest of that year actively seeking professional help for myself was the best choice made because today I’m so grateful for everything, especially the little things.

The only setback is, it’s lonely. I want to better myself, for myself before others, but finding like minded people is difficult. Not everyone is ready to confront their traumas and do the work to heal themselves, and that’s okay, but it makes socialising unbearable. I understand that receiving professional help is also a privilege, but where I’m at in my journey, I only want to associate with others travelling the road to recovery.

I don’t want any relation- or friendship built off trauma bonds or people trauma dumping on each other. I don’t want to be around people who gossip, anyone dealing with extreme insecurities or projection issues, people with victim mentalities or superiority complexes. I just want to find a mutually supportive connection where we can learn from and educate one another. I’d like to befriend someone who’s just as open-minded, knowledge-seeking, courageous and driven.

It sucks because sometimes, there are people who’ll purposefully attempt to sabotage you because they don’t like the light you have. They don’t like that you’re bettering yourself because they lack the courage to better themselves and project that onto to you. I’ve experienced it firsthand and everything in between which really has me cool off socialising and encouraged me to be more career-focused.

I don’t have a problem with being alone; I’m an introvert and prefer to hold space with myself. I also don’t mind feeling isolated half the time. Sometimes it’s been to be alone and isolated, but every now and then I wish I had someone I could call a friend.

Hello,

I’ve been lurking here for several weeks, reading other people’s stories. Normally I don’t post about my health online, and I haven’t noticed anyone with the same issues here. I’ve come across discussions about how the mental health issues manifested themselves as physical pain… My case is a bit different, but I suspect the mechanism is the same. I’m reading all I can find about Conversion disorders, so perhaps someone here can give me some tips on where to look further.

I found myself in the hospital two years ago, shortly after a series of unlucky events (severe pneumonia, big issues at my workplace, and the funeral of my father shortly after). I experienced a sudden paralysis in my legs. To tell the truth, it scared the wits out of me. I thought I’d be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life… I also had tremors in my hands, and my state generally signaled I was having some sort of seizure. I spent 8 days in the hospital, muliple tests and IVs. The doctors didn’t know what the matter was, I suspect their main aim was to bring me back to life and send me home. My state improved over the week. I was prescribed a pile of drugs and they let me go. My symptoms were milder (I was told I'd be able to function, which greatly helped with my overwhelming panic), but I needed the support of my husband to take the taxi and, well, to live.

It took till late autumn to feel somewhat normal again. My legs got much better, but at times they betray me. It's terrifying, especially when I'm trying to do simple things like walk to the kitchen or go up the stairs. I've had to rely on my family a lot more to help me get around, mostly because I fear it will happen again unexpectedly. The tremors in my hands are almost invisible to the outside eye now, though I can still feel them at times. It's like they have a mind of their own. It may make the task of writing or even holding a cup of tea feel like a challenge.

I've had to cut back on work because I just can't keep up with the demands of my job anymore. It's frustrating because I used to be so independent, and now I feel like I'm constantly relying on others for help. I’ve been visiting the doctors (I’ve had three different ones over the last year) every two weeks, then every month. Now I do it randomly whenever my symptoms seem to worsen. I’m still not healed. It was the third doctor who insisted I should start therapy, and he made the final diagnosis: conversion disorder. I suppose it’s very rare, if it took them so long to diagnose me? I’ve been reading about it and I’ve come across many similar stories, though I got the impression that it mostly happens after some serious trauma and is considered “the illness of the veterans”.

I haven’t yet started therapy. I know I should do it to help me cope with all of this, but it's hard to take that first step. For now, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time and am seeking for more information. I’ve read that CBT was not helpful for some people, even though it’s recommended by professionals. I’ve also read about hypnosis as one potential line of treatment, it’s considered untraditional medicine? Has anyone else dealt with a similar diagnosis or symptoms on a daily basis? I need to better understand what I'm up against here.

Hello, hi, it’s me.

The waves of suicidal thoughts crash against my consciousness again. I’ve written about it sooo many times.. whoever said writing helps is fooling the world! Write or no write it's just there.. My recurring suicidal thoughts appear every now and then I’d say out of nowhere. It never seems any easier to come to terms with them and watch them pass. I’ve never gotten to the stage of actually making any real plans but the thought becomes ever more appealing each time these waves happen. I know the only remedy is to find the strength IRL, some meaningful stuff etcetera… To me it seems as time passes that I find only the opposite, that life is not worthwhile. It's as if a relentless tide is pulling me deeper and deeper into the abyss of despair.

Mind you, I’m not whining. I’ve been reading a lot about Stoicism and kind of think I’m an adept. In the past I used drastic measures to cope with my waves of depression… That’s forbidden topic. I’m over it anyways. However, life does not improve despite all my humble attempts to become someone significant, someone who overcame the all-consuming thoughts of living a life that doesn’t matter.

I remember a dream… please don’t laugh even though I find it queer myself… I had this dream a long time ago when I had my first depressive episodes... where my depression took the form of a massive, menacing giant squid living in the depths of a dark lake. Its tentacles wrapped around me suffocating me with their icy grip, dragging me down into the cold depths of water. I tend to believe my subconscious, so I thought for a long time what my mind is trying to tell me. And I think the only way to get rid of this monster is to let all water run dry. I can not fight it, it’s too strong. That dream feels all too real now. I wish I could find a way to banish this giant squid from my mind. What do the people here advise? (except meds, I don’t take those…)

Reaching out for emotional support isn’t the problem, it’s people not understanding or making my situation about them that stops me. Thanks to therapy and support groups I was able to overcome parts of my struggle with hyper independence, but continuously receiving the response of others either affirming me in my resilience due to the approach I take when facing adversities or them having their own burdens, it prompts me to isolate.

I appreciate people commending my determination and ability to see the good in bad, but there are moments where I want to vent my frustrations without being reminded I’m “strong.” I know it’s done in good faith and most times it does help, however I rarely have the space to truly BREAK DOWN and feel everything in full. Because I still have difficulties being emotionally vulnerable, even with close loved ones, I will resort to texting the crisis line or other coping mechanisms before anything.

Whether I’m engaging in art therapy, journaling, breathing exercises or producing music to process and express what I’m feeling, it’s done because I’m yet to find someone who can provide emotional support in a way that’s satisfying for me. I know that I’m loved, cared for and supported by many people but that doesn’t change the loneliness I occasionally experience.

These past 2 almost 3 years it’s been me, myself and I. I’m constantly working, constantly looking out for myself. Of course I’ve had support from others that encouraged me to press on but on a deeper level, beside the one person I was forced to go no contact with, I’ve had no one. I’m beyond grateful for everything I have while working toward what I want, but I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every 2 seconds because I’m still being stalked, I’m overwhelmed with continuously fighting the same issues and I’m exasperated with the lack of support. Even with how overworked I am I can’t cry and I hate it. I want to cry more than anything but because my body doesn’t feel safe enough it won’t let me. Truth be told I never expected living long enough to see adulthood because of bad my upbringing was but here I am.

Most days I wake up with hope in my heart and joy in my body. I choose to let love lead me and I extend kindness where I can. But there’s days like today where anxiety sits in my chest and fatigue has me feeling partially dissociated. I know today will be good because my partner and I are celebrating our anniversary by picking apples and making cider, and the week ahead is going to be just as great, but it’s processing the information of how progressively worse my health is getting and I have no one to confide in hurts.