A lot of the time when we consume the content of people who publicise their journeys to recovery, we’re under the impression they’re “healed.” We believe they have everything together, life flows effortlessly for them and that their circumstances are perfect… but would you be surprised if I said that’s far from the truth?
As a content creator who documents bits and pieces of their recovery, I can tell you firsthand that most of us only share what we want being seen. We’ll post on the days we feel good; sharing vlogs of ourselves at the beach enjoying the sun or grabbing brunch at the new vegan restaurant that just opened up. But do you know what we WON’T upload? The bad days. Why? Because it “ruins” the aesthetic.
Nobody wants to hear about the meltdown we had over something trivial or the episode that was triggered by plans going south. 9 times out of 10, influencer or not, a person is likely to be shamed for venting on media; crying on camera as opposed to journaling or talking to a trusted friend.
However because I know this is a common thing among “recovery influencers” (I assume they’re categorised as), I personally share and talk about the “ugly” parts of recovering. Why? Because it’s easier said than done and everybody’s journey looks different. I want to provide a more authentic perspective and not the “everything is perfect” that’s constantly being fed.
Because the truth of the matter is even though I’m nearly 2 years into recovery and I rarely have bad days, not every day is good for me. There are days where I’m depressed, hurting, lonely and more. I have days where I’m not good to myself or others but that doesn’t take away from all I’ve achieved. The goal is progression, not perfection.
And if it’s the ugly parts of healing they won’t tell you about, it’s the part where you feel like you’re regressing. They won’t tell you about the stages of anger and grief you oscillate between or the periods of isolation you experience trying to better yourself. They don’t tell you about the people you lose as a result of seeking better or the pervasive loneliness that follows when having to be selective about your associates.
Healing looks different for everyone and there’s going to be “ugliness” to it, but that’s okay because it should be normalised. I’m currently experiencing one of the ugliest parts of healing because despite being eager to create a loving and nurturing relationship with others, I feel myself growing emotionally reserved every day. It hurts but I’m doing my best to remain open. It’s difficult for me as someone still overcoming hyper independence and avoidant tendencies, but I know it can be done.
Even with the feelings of loneliness, depression and anxiety weighing heavy in my chest, I’m going to do my best to remain kind in my interactions. I’m quite frankly exhausted from everything but I’m dedicated to my recovery so I’ll bare the exhaustion as long as necessary.
Hey there, I totally get where you're coming from with wanting to surround yourself with people who are actively working on themselves in therapy. It's awesome that you're prioritizing your own growth and healing. But here's the thing - not everyone who isn't in therapy is a walking ball of unhealed traumas waiting to project their issues onto others. People are complex, we all have our own journeys and struggles. So, keep taking care of yourself, but maybe also consider giving others a chance to show you who they really ;) You never know, you might just find some unexpected connections and support along the way.
I think the main issue is that not everyone has access to therapy or feels comfortable seeking help that way. :( Some people are still not ready to explore that path, especially in certain cultures.
Also, I’ve known cases when people changed because of therapy, but not for the better. A friend of mine says her sister stopped talking with their mother after having sessions for a year. Their mother is not horrible nor toxic, she’s just very old-fashioned in her ways and thus can’t be called progressive or understanding. My friend thinks that cutting ties with her was the idea of her sister’s therapist. Obviously, she is unhappy about this radical change…
Have you tried making friends based on shared values, like personal growth and recovery? I’d expect to meet such people at various conventions and growth seminars. They always provide opprtunities for networking.
Sorry to hear you’ve had some bad experiences with people who judged you for getting help. I hate people who judge!
Nevertheless, I believe that the only way to build authentic connections is to stay open to different perspectives.
Once you have that “light” inside of you, no one can take it away. Quite often, the things that irritate us in other people are the things that find reflection in ourselves, though we don’t realize it. When our own traumas are healed, the issues of others normally cannot touch us. We’re immune to them. We see that people are in the wrong, fighting with monsters; we may pity them or want to help them (or not), but essentially we’re not affected. And we can still foster meaningful connections with them. The same works the other way. Some people may be well on the journey to personal growth, but their journey is simply different from ours, and thus it won’t resonate with us. Finding like-minded people is generally hard, even without any extra limitations. So the only recipe I know that works is keeping an open heart and staying true to oneself, allowing your people to find you naturally.
Have you discussed the topic of loneliness with your therapist (assuming you’re in therapy now)? Career is impotant, but it sounds like you’re not very happy about your social life.
Hmm it’s a curious observation. 🤔 I’ve never had a problem keeping in touch with old friends, even though we’re in different places mentally. Perhaps I haven’t sought such connections that imply being 100% compatible and agreeing on most things. I tend to have friends based on different facets of my character. I’ll go climbing with one person, I’ll have a nice evening drinking beer with another one, I’ll discuss professional interests with yet another friend. I guess we sort of complement each other, and our unique differences only make these people more interesting to me, because I can grow by being challenged by them.
@Jacobine I wish I could pin your reply, I admire this response so much more than words can detail. Thank you 🙏🏾
@Wandering Owl8) Therapy IS a privilege that not everyone has access to and I’m conscious of that, it’s why I do my best to be understanding, create open lines of communication and accommodate those needing support to the best of my ability without enabling or being treated as therapist.
But that’s something that hasn’t crossed my mind until you mentioned it; therapy changing people for the worst. I’ve been fortunate to have physicians that genuinely care about me but because of already possessing a great deal of self-awareness and being introspective it helps me navigate certain challenges easier than most. I appreciate you putting this into perspective for me and will DEFINITELY keep this in kind mind. moving forward
@There-Is-Hope Yes, the people I’ve called friends until as of recent are individuals I’ve bonded with over common interests and shared values. As the years pass we’ve slowly grown apart but it’s not personal. Things happen and life is changing for us all. Issue is I no longer feel connected to them; I feel like I’m outgrowing them.
I connect with new people every day through networking because I’m a freelancer, but when I try to maintain the new connections, they’re short-lived because the other person is presumably uninterested (which is fine, they don’t owe me their time, attention, friendship or anything). I’ve decided to continue working on myself in the meantime because as someone else replies in the comments, “not everyone is a walking ball of unhealed trauma waiting to project onto others, sometimes they just need a chance to show someone who they are.” And I suspect it’s me just being overly excited to connect with someone because I’m longing to create a longterm friendship.