This may seem too long to read but I am helpless and hopeless so just trying if any one can give me good perfect advice according to what I am dealing with or how can I get back into life being successful , earn money , that feeling of being loved again. I am completely new to sharing what I am suffering so don't mind if I seem too idiotic or stupid but that is how I feel. Mostly I think it has been my mistakes only because you can't blame anyone else if you have made your life not worth living because a lot of people suffer much more and they still stand tall. I don't know but I am suffering every day and just desperately want to get out of this stage of my life which has been too long. So writing here in just a ray of hope that someone will read this and understand and then give me some advice or atleast some consolation that things it still get better.

So here is the whole story :-

I am from India. And I used to be a very bright student in my school days. Always used to score better than almost everyone till the time I fell for a girl. Yeah it should not have happened but it did because I was a idiot. So after I fell for a girl who was too beautiful lovely and she had all the qualities ticked. We were into a relationship for almost 4 years. Just before my high school board exams she broke up with me. There was no cheating or seeing someone else. It was also not that we fell out of love for each other. It was just that we were not able to meet each other quite often because of coaching classes and all. But we used to talk over phone and texted each other a lot. That not meeting quite often started to create problems between us because it was that thing which always used to clear any fights or anything else from our relationship equation. Then that distance grew and the fights started more and more and she broke up with me before the high school board exams. She loved me and I loved her a lot too but somehow I was not left capable enough after breakup to study for the exams.

And then started my downfall. I failed in my board exams because I was not able to study. I did not cared for anything which was happening that time. All in my mind was just her.

I started drinking smoking which I never even thought of. Then she left for another city for college. She somehow realised her mistakes too and she wanted to get back with me. She also gave a lot of signs that she wants to get back with me. But there was this thing which I felt guilty about always from the day I knew it. It was that somehow when we used to kiss and get too close few of those times I got too excited and ended up with upsetting her. I knew that I did wrong but all this with the growing distance between us made her slightly hate me I guess or just angry.

That excitement thing never was the issue when she got into college and tried to get back with me again but that guilt never left me that I have hurt that one who I loved most after my parents. Even if it was not a big issue. So I always thought even when she tried to get back with me that I will end up upsetting her only. Also I was too much into self depressing mode that I didn't even noticed her signs of let's get back together. Now after a year or so she got busy and settled well into the new city so made friends and all but we always used to be in touch. Sometimes we used to call and chat with each other. Also whenever she used to come back in a year we used to meet every year.

After a gap of year I also started engineering course but she was always in my mind. I used to think that once I will get better I will tell her everything. And which I did but then it was too late.

Now starts the real downfall in my life.

The thing which gave me hope all those years was gone now. So now I started smoking pot day night anytime. Same with alcohol. Then came hard drugs.

I spent all my parents hard earned money on these things which were not making me better but on the contrary I was drowning. Drowning in guilt shame and also the effects which I was having with the heavy usage of those drugs.

College ended and I ended too with no job.

Then I quit all of it for months and tried to take control of my life. Get a job earn money gain confidence which got so low because of the drugs and all the feelings in which I was not interested anymore. Needless to say even though I got opportunities to get a gf again I was not over her so I did not even tried to get to say even yes to anyone.

Then again started a period of heavy drug abuse.

Relapses happened again and again because whenever I got sober I started getting dreams almost on a daily basis of her. I was not able to feel good any day because I always used to think what has happened should not have happened etc and needless to say I already was recovering from heavy drug abuse.

Now as I am sharing this I am fully sober for few months now but still with those dreams of her or where I am in my life suffering with no job no money even though I am 27 now. Low self esteem low confidence. She has got someone in her life who is very good looking and successful and she seems to be in perfect love story now. All I can think of is how I can get things to make work for me now ? How am I going to get my pride my confidence back ? How am I going to get fit again ? How am I going to get a good job ?

Just hopeless and full of despair is the condition of my life. Although it has been since a lot of years but the drugs used to get a escape route to me which I don't want now. But I want to see myself get back in life. Everything I had a dream of I want to fulfill those. But how ? Just how ?

If anyone is kind enough to read till the end and even think that I am a fool idiot dumba** which you are right I was, can you give some advices ? Help me out to get me help myself.

If you even read till the end I am very thankful to you.

THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.

I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).

To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.

Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.

I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.

Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.

Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).

Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.

Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).

But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.

I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?

I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.

A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.  

I m a teenage boy 17 years old. currently my grandfather's health was weak so I had to do all the hospital work and paper billings. I had no friends.

there used to be one good friend of mine. she was understanding and caring but what happened to her I don't know started ignoring and feeling uninterested. I got frustrated so I blocked her from everywhere. I had no friends no loving ones. school teachers just taunting me cause I am absent from school there's no hope for Ray to live life. I am emotionally numbed.

just stopped caring I don't like the things I used to I need to force myself to enjoy games, music, and movies...

So first things, This will be really long. I am really sorry about that and will be really thankfull if someone know the answer to my problem.

My name is Aldi, you can call me smam or aldi. I am 21 years old and currently doing thesis at my bachelor degree and have full time job + side job + enterpreneurship or building business with other people. I am the youngest from my brothers and i have 3 brothers, my family is kinda poor so i need to work extra hard to fullfill me and my family needs.

From primary school, I'll always getting bullied. In primary school i am getting bullied because i am really bad at sport, cant socialize much, and didn't really want to do bad things. There's only some people bully me tho but the bullying comes with physical (punching, kicking, etc) and verbal type. But i still got a really good friend, i still remember how kind he is and one time he teach me how to punch properly too but i never have the courage to do that before. I always hoping that primary school year will be done, then come middle school years. In the middle school i got much bigger problem, i have even less friend and the bully comes in group now. I still remember that the bully group will always wait me after school to do stuff you know what will happen, day by day i either rush to go home quickly or go out with the teacher. I always saying thanks to the teacher and the teacher looks really confused. Some of the time i got ganged up too, got punched in the gut, it really hurts. My only peace time in middle school is when i got into academic competition, my school will teach me in different room when class time so i dont need to attend class and meet with the bully group. Thankfully i am really good at mathematic so about 1/4 to half of my middle school time is spent on the special class for special student to learn for the competition. But thinking back i think i joinned up the competition so i dont get bullyed, but yeah day by day is like hell when i am in normal class and really hoping for middle school years to pass. To this year i still remember the name of the one who bully me, sometimes i search the leader who bully me, or the one who bully me. Most of the time i dont find their profile in internet, some ignore my chat, few people just said its in the past and it doesn't matter. It really hurts and haunt me sometime, to add some salt in the wound. I have friend in the middle school, but they betrayed me because they are afraid to get bullied to if they are become my friend. In high school, the difficulty seems to be lowered in a sense, except the lower difficulty is a fake. The bully still takes in group, but i managed to get some friends that want to talk and befriend with me, most of the time in school they hang out with the bully group but some time they have a nice chat with me. It's looks like a good time to me, until i found out its all a lie. The teacher hate me because i am strange and to strict (maybe because i dont want to do bad stuff, maybe because the teacher feel that handling one people is easier), my friend talk bad behind me when i am not in class, ect. I feel really betrayed, I dont even know who is my friend anymore and how to find a good friend. things maybe easier in the pyhsical bullying department compared to the middle school, but damn it is hurt in my heart.

You all maybe asking, why did stand idle or didnt ask for help? I do ask for help, a lot of time in fact. When i ask for my parent help, they only come to school and told the bully nicely (literally) to stop bully me. And you know what happen? it become worse because i am called a snitch and the bully become more aggressive. asking a teacher will result in the same stuff happening, either they told the bully or both of us going in discussion with teacher in middle one time then next day i got bullied more. Once my parent said for me to ask the bully forgiveness myself to stop bully me, but hell its only got worse. Lot of time people said to ignore the verbal bullying, I can ignore it but there is a cost to that and i will explain it later. Fighting off myself is impossible because they gank in group, my only saving grace is when i got separated because i need to study for competition.

In home, its not really a good place too. I must always yield/give in everytime, when i have a problem with my brother then i need to be the one to say sorry or they wont talk to me (my parent said that) then i need to kneel down and say sorry to them. My brother always got supported more for their school needs, When i make money then i need to pay for their necessities too. Last time i got in a fight with my brother, it is getting heated then my parents become sick because they are embarassed if neighbour heard our fight. So i need to backdown but my brother keep badmouthing me saying i am a thief ect. If you want the context, the internet package got depleted really fast and my brother have the tendency to blame others. I give every proof that when i use the wifi or i am not using the wifi (because i am not home and working far from home) and the internet package get depleted fast too. But my parents always ask me to back down and be patient. Right and wrong become gray to me, if being bad have no consequences and become more happy then why should i be good? why should i the one to back down? but yeah thats only one example of the problem.

For my university days, the first and second semester is really busy because orientation so not much stuff happening. In the second semester covid comes then everything become online so nothing interesting happen (maybe if covid not coming i will be bullied again?). Online classes keep happening till my last year, i only need to be patient at home and honestly its better than in school because i am not having problem with my brother everytime. Its just for my thesis, i need to do it by 3 people team. I choose my own member, the first one is my personal friend (yeah stupid me, i dont know if he is really my friend but i am having good time gaming with him) and the other one is someone who is really good at my thesis topic. Because i am always failing and need to take extra step and really cautious then i always plan ahead and choosing best member. I do the 60-80% part of the thesis and the rest is divided between my other member, i provided the necessary tool out of my pocket money even though i am really hard on money too so they can do their task easily. but what happen? THEY IGNORED ME FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, i got really depressed because i need to graduate so my salary will increase and i hopefully theres some money left for me to enjoy (thats right, every month i always out of money because my parents will always ask for it like for my brother necessities). My brother didnt even have a job, they always ask for money then go out from home to look for job (its just empty words). But stupidly my parents always believe it and they got so much in debt because my brother sweet words. FYI my brother is 35+ years old now and they dont have a single job experience, they always get supported but i dont because i can fill my own necessities. Like i know i can fullfill my own necessities but its still really hard to see when my brother got provided with money but i need to work my ass off to pay for my college. FYI again My 2nd and 3rd brother is 35 years old with no experience and my 1st brother is 38 years old with full time experience but he got cancer and i need to help for paying the treatment too.

The problem i said above is just a glimpse of it, most of the time i always failed or the odds is stacked again me so i need to plan ahead and being extra carefull. Even though like that i still get screwed off sometime like my thesis that currently happening. My enterpreneurship with my friend where my friend work less and didnt answer my chat, I want to cut off the partnership but i still got a client that need to be done because my name is on it (hell the client is really slow too to provide what i need to finish the project).

Now lets talk what i feel and my problem is:

1. I am having a hard time trusting people
2. Got a bad dream sometime about the bad stuff happening to me like bullying and waking up really tired.
3. Can't smile because i always put poker face when i got verbally bullied.
4. Got really cold attitude and dont have any feeling, when my friend in primary school got an accident i didnt feel anything but i know that i must feel something because he is my friend. My oldest brother got cancer but i still dont feel any remorse at all.
5. Having anxiety, low self-esteem, closing my eyes and cant look at people when i speak, my legs and body really shaking when talking to people especially group of people.thats strange tho because i am a leader type in my job so i cant have these traits
6. Having really negative though, like i think that dying is better because i wont get any problem at all. Logically thats true, but on the one side i must keep living and never give up plus my religion said suicide is not allowed.
7. Envy when looking people happy, I dont know why its just i want to have a good childhood and life like them.
8. Got confused and self conflicting a lot.
9. My emotion is always jumping high and low, but i always keep it to my self and not showing it. Other people wont like it when i got mad right? but i am really happy when i do gaming and stuff i like.
10. Right now i am procastinating for my thesis, I need to do my thesis. but the stuff that left to be finished is the side that i am not really good at (designing stuff and learning new stuff), it should be where my two friend shine and good at. I try to learn it but sometime i lost motivation or my head hurts, but i need to do my thesis so my salary will Increase.

Someone, anyone please help. I really want to talk to therapy but i always self conflicting, on one side its really pricey and on one side i need to know a way to solve my problem. Hope someone can help me. I am really thankfull if you read it this far, and even more thankfull if you can give me some thought. Thanks!