My boyfriend is amazing and loves me, gives me alot of time, respects me , is loyal

But it is so hard to make him understand how i feel

It is so hard to explain my feelings to him

He talks about himself alot and how he got hurt in a fight but fails to recognize my emotions

Although he apologizes to me and acts good but i know deep down he did not understand how i felt

He is vulnerable he shows alot of emotions, he cries alot in front of me , I don't judge him for that, it's good that he expresses but i feel he only cries to make me feel guilty, he says me things like you hurt me you did so bad you made me cry, this leads to me feeling extremely drained. I am there for him and i make sure he feels alright but after making him feel alright, i feel empty and unheard

I don't know what to do?

Have you ever dealt with a narcissist??

A lot of people don’t understand the wealth that comes with being healthy and possessing financial security and it’s frustrating. They’re privileges to say the least but many don’t recognise them as such because they’ve never experienced the fear of receiving a hospital bill they can’t afford or medication they’re too poor to buy to help manage their sickness. Those of us who come from lower income backgrounds or suffer with financial stability aren’t “weaponising our sorrows” or have victim complexes like some privilege people push the narrative of, it’s us acknowledging resources are inaccessible and various things in our circumstances prevent us from getting the help we’re seeking. We’re not purposefully being neglectful of our health or willingly put ourselves in debt, we’re navigating to the best of our ability with what IS available to us, but in most cases there’s always a cost.

Receiving therapy, having regular physical and dental check ups, possessing the ability to exercise daily and not having to take several different medications just to function are privileges. The people who don’t see these things as privileges are more than likely in a position where they can afford or have never experienced these hardships. I’m chronically disabled and fighting sickness every day, and even though I have little to nothing myself I still make it a task to get out and help others in my community and others because I know what this struggle is like. Eating at pantries, unstable housing, lack of financial security, inability to have regular check ups, etc.

If I was financially secure and healthy, the volunteering I’m doing would triple. All of these things are human rights but the greedy government and privileged people put a price tag on everything to oppress the already suffering communities and I hate it.

Up until September 2022 I’ve spent most of my life people-pleasing and bending over backwards for others with little to no reciprocation. In previous friendships and relationships I was treated like a therapist; a resource; someone to trauma dump on and abandon once the support sought was received. This has been an ongoing pattern that manifested and unconsciously continued until I broke the cycle by deciding to choose myself.

Since beginning to prioritise my wellbeing post escaping an abusive relationship, I began redefining what friendship looks like to me and how I want future connections to form. That involved cutting ties, reframing my perspective, changing my surrounding and adjusting my approach. Now, 2 almost 3 years into my journey I find myself alone because I’ve noticed this generation’s definition of friendship is based off either: what you can do for others, people wanting to experience abundance by proximity, how much you’ll let others take advantage of you or the amount of shallow intimacy had.

There’s a difference between holding space with yourself and isolating, and while I hold space with myself most days I definitely isolate on others. I’m okay with having no friends because I’m protecting my peace and will continue to, however whenever I’m meeting people for the first time and their immediate reaction is to trauma dump I disassociate with quickness.

I understand it’s not always done maliciously but it’s exhausting. I acknowledge that receiving professional help is easier said than done and it’s privilege to have accessibility to mental health services, but trauma dumping on someone you met within hours of meeting them is a red flag for me. Life isn’t sunshine and rainbows 24/7 and I recognise that. I don’t believe in enforcing toxic positivity because that does more harm than good, but where I’m at right now I just want to make connections and enjoy the little goodness that’s left while the world is going to shit.

Being surrounded by people who constantly complain, always see the negative and are problem focused instead of seeking alternatives, acknowledging positives and being solution oriented is very genuinely draining. It’s okay to vent when needed, it helps decompress, but to NEVER have anything good to talk about? That’s troubling to me. Yes, people (apart of your support system or not) are supposed to help in your time of need but they’re not qualified professionals trained to guide you through every traumatic event you experienced. Continuously dumping shit on people without even knowing their capacity to receive potentially triggering information shouldn’t be normalised and is selfish in my opinion, but I unfortunately keep running into people like this.

I love helping others more than anything but I refuse to fall back into old patterns. I’m no longer trying to save anyone, I just hope I inspire people enough to save themselves. General advice, a shoulder to lean on and encouragement is all I can give. I’m tired of being treated like an afterthought, arm candy or expedient. I’ve been traumatised enough by previous trauma bonds and recognising I’ll outgrow those connections sooner or later, I don’t want future friendships/relationships to develop from trauma bonding. I trust in my decision making abilities more than anything but sometimes I feel bad, am I the asshole for immediately disassociating with people who attempt to trauma bond with me?

They label it “hyper independence”, I refer to it as being self-reliant.

They see it as having “trust issues”, I perceive it as people having issues with being truthful.

It’s incredibly infuriating how people are willing to deflect accountability and will accuse you of everything in the book when in actuality it’s just you calling them out on their shit. I know there’s a difference between isolation and holding space with yourself but because of recurring situations, I’m choosing to isolate. I’m isolating because I’m tired. I’m tired of experiencing the same shit and I’m tired of meeting the same, unhealed people just in different situations.

I’m not “hyper independent” because I have no problem asking for help when I REALLY need it, but I recognise everything starts with me and that I’m the only person with the power to change the circumstances of my situation. If I wait around for others then nothing will get done. Opportunities don’t just fall into a person’s lap, they have to create them, and every day I’m putting in my best effort to ensure I create as many as possible.

I don’t have trust issues because I possess discernment and accept people for who they are. When they show me their true colours, I don’t feel the need to repaint or attempt to change them. I acknowledge that’s their character and act accordingly, even if it means separating myself indefinitely or permanently. What I DO take issue with is people lying to my face then playing victim when they experience the consequences of their actions.

Allowing myself emotional vulnerability is something I’m continuously working toward because growing up, I didn’t have a safe space to express myself. I didn’t have the support systems I have today but even now I still struggle because I only feel seen and supported in limited spaces such as therapy and workshop. The one time I tried reaching out for comfort from the few people I wanted to call friends, it went exactly how it did in the past and now I’m closing myself off.

I clarified that I was seeking support and not advice, but whether than listening they either: affirmed me where I wasn’t looking to be, didn’t understand or it turned into them venting about their problems and me comforting them. While I recognise they aren’t intentionally being malicious, it doesn’t change that it hurts. I’ve already talked to them about this but where I’m at now, even knowing it’s a trauma response, I feel so much more comforted in isolation. This isn’t going to change me being vulnerable when needed, but moving forward I have no intention of befriending, dating or creating relationships with anyone until I get other priorities in my life together.

So fuck it. Call me hyper independent and accuse me of having trust issues. Nobody understands my situation more than I do because I’m the person living through it. Whatever hardships I face, success I experience or accomplishments achieved, will all stay between me and my therapist. I understand that by choosing to isolate myself I’m damaging what little support I could receive outside of therapy and workshops but I’ll figure it out. I just don’t have the heart to continue being disappointed by people.