at the end if i'm on this app it's because i genuinely hate my life and i don't see the point in going on. my existence was ruined by abuse over the years and because of that i lost all my youth and powe i can't do everything i dreamed of bc now it's just to late and i don't believe in myself to try anything. no one even know about my dream carreer because i gave up.
i didn't realize my first ennemy was my mom, now older i see how manipulative she is and how it stopped me to have the confidence i needed to pursue my dreams, and how she built me to accept abuse in my next experiences. i gave up animation because i knew my parents wouldn't pay for it but didn't even try to suggest it. even not for my ambitions but just my appearance, i always asked for braces and my sister got them not me, my teeth are still my biggest complex, i can't do what i'm interested into because of it, because i should feel good if i'm recorded and i hate that because of it. nowadays i'm in my 30's and i still live at her house because she conditioned me into not doing anything alone and the depression hits so hard i barely can work and make money to leave because i feel like sht.
younger i've been complimented around me (mostly my friends i mean because i don't feel comfortable showing my interests to my parents) for drawing, singing, dancing, outfits, impressions, having ideas etc, and it always made me happy because that's what i wanna work into: entertainment and performing arts, now i regret i didn't join a school or started posting online before, i never been further because of who i met after that. you see high school musical for example? wow i dreamed to be in a dcom there is everything i love. secretly i would imagine melodies, concepts of stuff i would do if i was famous but i never push myself to work on it...
during middle and high school my friend group always treated me like less because i didn't really follow what superficial things everyone would do at that age, it shattered my confidence, people always thought i was an introvert, i'm not i'm just around people trying to silence me and my passions. they were so rude to me i developped dermatillomania, i discovered recently it was a form of self harm, and i'm still suffering from it, another reason i can't record myself to create etc, because of that i learned i didn't matter as much and never tried to pursue what i was into, and i let anyone enter into my life after, because i was happy when a person showed they wanted to talk to me, what a mistake.
when older and free from this group i started to dress better, post online gain popularity, i thought i was healing, and little did i know people coming to you because of the glow you show doesn't mean they have good intentions. this is when i met what i call abusers, they would use me because i was always devoted, i knew what it was to be treated like less so i would never act the same and i was way too kind for them. deep down they were also jealous of my wins and even steal it, i didn't have many because i was controlled by them trying to hide my creations. i let these 3 people destroy me for 8 years, they are the reason of my depression i'm not healing from, i missed so many opportunities because of them.
literally right after cutting the last one, something amazing happened, i've been noticed by a celebrity i admire for my creations, which always been a safe place during my dark times, i thought wow after everything i went through finally if i still go on by posting online i can win, he used my creations for his concept and that really boosted me, he was really interested in many things i proposed and... then a jealous fanbase spread lies on me of words that weren't even mine and i lost everything. i've been defended by way mire people because they saw the truth but the power of this person was more. in private the celebrity was on my side but it was probably bs bc since that he avoids me and exchange with the bullies, i'm kinda disgusted, is it my destiny to fail to manipulative ppl?
i have a hard time to recover now, antidepressants, depression shaped me, my weight, my no energy is impossible if i wanna work in arts that require a good shape, i don't know anything about music software, i don't have tools at home to work on this, i don't start internship of jobs i like because of fear, i don't feel safe just to work on it with my stalking mom. i feel horrible, and i don't even try to start now because what if it's useless. if only i had been stronger i'm sure you would have seen me on tv today.
