Hey

I'm 20 years old and recently found out I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Never thought I will attach myself with this big terms

Now when I found out that I am depressed nothing make sense ,constant hopelessness, feeling guilty , can't experience what joy or pleasure looks like idk if i ever felt happy anyway

I remember being in relationship and the only why I have been in relationships is not love i understood all i ever wanted was to be seen to be heard and idk If I even loved my ex's I just wanted to be loved

I thought I just have to keep going everyone is feeling same but most of the time I use to notice everyone have a motivation which I don't have

So I forced myself to work hard in my school in my clg and finally got the job which I worked so hard for but idk why I'm not happy anymore.

The real problem is now when I experienced failure multiple times I don't want to work anymore I feel like it's better like this then to work hard and to get fail because I failed so many times in my life didn't got the collage I worked hard for ,my boyfriend broke up with me because he found a good replacement in a week and I got replaced by someone i invested so much in but though I am okay with that after sometime

So now I'm ruining everything not ruining , ruined everything and still I don't feel a thing

But somedays it gets loud and so loud that idk how to keep going like this

I m so scared of failing that I am giving up on my dreams and I don't want to but I don't even know how to keep going

The things is I don't even feel like ending my life I like this I am fine where I am I feel fine this became my normal

Tbh idk what's wrong with me. I used to love school, I had so many friends, and everyone loved me. My family used to understand me.

But after since lockdown got over, and schools started, I haven't been the same. The first month of school was okay. I don't remember when, but I hate going to school now, everyone has started to hate me, ppl act like I don't even exist.

The school gave me anxiety, yes. My hands and feet turn cold, I can't breathe and everything. The past year my sister who is a hydrocephalus patient, went through the same thing in November. my parents did everything they could. But, I went through this last August ( and I still am). I didn't even tell my parents about it and got counselled in my school and stuff. That didn't help me but I acted like it did.

It's been a year, I opened up to my mom a few days ago, and she said she doesn't want to go through the same thing that she went through with my sister all over again. She said I am running away from school and making up things.

I feel like my parents, that they think that I can do everything alone. But I can't I need some help.

I feel like ending my life because I am of no use to anyone.

I want to cry all the time. And sometimes when I cry, I cry so much that not a single amount of energy is left in my body. I can't take it anymore.

I am not able to keep up with school, while all my classmates can. I am behind everyone and everything. I wish to die.

Sometimes I wish I could get cancer or something so that I could get a little more attention. I am so confused rn. I can't seem to stop crying while writing all this.

I don't know why i am even writing this,

i have been thinking about ending it

not because i'm sad or depressed or tired

it's just logically the best thing to do

i don't have the energy to live anymore

and i repeat i am not even sad or feel anything i feel normal

i graduated high school this year and i have nothing to be sad about

my grades are high, i have a girlfriend,i have a job and i have good friends

maybe i am being greedy? i just cant undrestand why do i want to end it

it's like i just want to stop

like enough i don't want to do anyting anymore

i don't get if i'm too selfaware or i am gaslighting myself into thinking that there is nothing wrong

i'm not sure

i've never been ti a therapist before

my parents never believed in them and always told me that i shoud rely on myself to be better

and should focus on the positive like the good stuff about my life

i know the good and the bad and i am okay with them

but still i just feel like i want it to be over, i don't want to try anymore that's it

I gave birth to my daughter six months ago, and since then, things have not been very pleasant. Initially, it was my personal life that felt chaotic. It became clear that my in-laws had wanted a boy, and they were deeply disappointed when I gave birth to a girl. They did not offer any support during the first three months. It was my mother and husband who helped me take care of my child. My mom stayed with us for a month, but my in-laws were distant toward her and never truly considered her part of the family. Seeing my parents being subtly disrespected hurt me deeply.

Three months after my daughter's birth, my sister-in-law also had a baby girl. Unlike with my daughter, my in-laws were excited about her arrival. I tried to reason that this was because she had complications during her pregnancy, and they were just relieved that everything went well. But that still doesn’t justify the fact that my daughter had to go through a tough first three months due to someone else's preferences. She didn’t get to celebrate any of her milestones because of the negativity and unhappy environment.

Now that my maternity leave has ended, I returned to work excited to reconnect with my team. I was a team lead, managing three teams before I went on leave. But when I came back, management told me that the team was doing well in my absence and that they wanted to reassign me to another project. It was painful to hear. I had built that team from the ground up, and now, I was being sidelined. The new project they want me to take on doesn’t even exist yet, which makes me fear for my job security. I also don’t know if I will be leading a team or working under someone else. I have been a lead for so long that the idea of reporting to someone again is unsettling. My professional life feels like a mess, and I don’t know if I can handle this new role. I feel like I’m hanging by a thread, unsure of what to do next.

I wanted to go to my mother’s place so she could help take care of my daughter while I focus on work, but my in-laws are against it. Managing both work and my baby has become overwhelming. I feel lost and exhausted. I constantly feel like crying, and at times, I have even lost the will to live. I often think about ending everything just to find some peace. I don’t know where my life is headed, and my future feels bleak. I don't like feeling this way. I just want to be happy.